I am preplanning Mom's funeral since she has money set aside and we need to use it for her funeral since she does not have life insurance.
I am the main caregiver for Mom. Others are in a variety of states of denial. I really do not want to stand there hearing them tell everyone how much they miss their beloved Mother. The same mother they have done next to nothing for her care as her dementia gets worse.
To see them cry and wail is more than I can stand. I have come to terms that they are unable to step up and do their part.
So I want to set up a viewing that is not published in the paper and let those who know me if they want to support me they come at that time. Then I will leave and the rest of the family can attend the other viewings.
And they can play out their drama without me.
I am happy to say that my siblings were most helpful...Two of my sisters stayed with me and Mom for 3 days and nights until she passed
But one thing that did happen was that my brother's girlfriend, who is a decent woman I have no problem with, tried to break ice by saying kindly "it's worse for you." To which I replied "thank you, but it's not a competition." Which was true, and is true for you too. Saying it helped me remember it.
This is your mother's funeral. You may well feel that there is a certain amount of hypocrisy sloshing around, maybe more than you can easily stomach, but remind yourself that her other children too are entitled to mourn her in proper form, and owe her that at least. No matter how full of sh*t they sound in your ears.
The one I have my husband with turns no one away, even those without insurance. They have funds available to provide help for under or uninsured and I plan to contribute to that fund when my husband passes. They have been heaven sent angels and I could not do this journey without their help.
My thoughts are with you. If the sissies stay awhile, it eases discomfort to play boardgames at the bedside, like scrabble?
Mom's still hanging on..
Praying your Mom passes peacefully, and you have no regrets during this difficult and sad time.
Love, from Send
No one is comfortable at viewings/funerals/memorials. I've had to attend visitations knowing that there were going to be people there that I wanted to avoid like the plague but I went out of respect to other members of my family and because it wasn't about me. It was about the person who had died and remembering him/her.
I'm sure it's possible to make separate arrangements but it sure seems easier to just go and get it over with and be done with it.
I guess their 4th of July plans are more important..
I am in a similar situation with my own family. I already planned and prepaid my own funeral arrangements with no viewing to be held except for 4 of my children and my grandchildren. There will be a memorial following cremation that friends are welcome to attend. However, I do have 1 daughter that I don't want to be there for any of it. She hasn't spoken to me for years and I just don't feel that she cares enough to even be notified of my death.
Now, before you all think that I'm being vengeful in this, I'm not; she has made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Think of one of your children or any loved one for that matter, that hasn't bothered to wish you a Happy Birthday, Happy Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, etc for years. I have tried to contact her since she decided I wasn't her mother anymore and am always greeted with total silence. I don't even know if my gifts and cards are even received unless I see a cancelled check. So to my way of thinking I can't see how my passing will matter much to her. I haven't mattered in life, so why would I in death? I'm sorry but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of "gloating" over my body.
I was her mom for 45 years and now I am not. So be it!
I don't think it would make me feel comfortable having to pick which viewing that I attended. What if people want to show their respect to the other siblings too. They would be required to attend twice, because of family issues that do not involve them. It seems extreme to me.
I think I might try to move past hurt feelings and get through the viewing and funeral home as one family. Almost always a family has some members who are the primary caretakers and those who don't contribute. It doesn't mean that they didn't love their mom or dad. Some people aren't motivated, are lazy, selfish or just not cut out for care giving, but whatever the reason, they may still love and miss their parent. Unless the family members are toxic or dangerous, I would try to come to terms and be on good terms.
If you are punishing them by going through with this, it might not work. Things could backfire and you might feel worse. Just saying....I'd try to come to terms with it. If you feel they will cause drama, just mind what you say and let them do what they will. You don't have to let them push your buttons if you make your mind up in advance.