that we have lived in worked saved for so we can live in until we die than our children want to put u s in nursing home or assistant living after all the years we spent careing for them taking care of grand children
Before my mother moved in with us, she had a huge house, 2 hours away. The home needed continual fixing. My mother expected us to help her. She was also a hoarder,and she began to collect all sorts of things, making the home less and less safe.Obviously,it was time to move her due to her failing to take care of simple things( bills, yard, basic needs of the up-keep). Also, I was worried that she was going to fall in her home,as there was three flights of stairs. For her to expect us to take care of her and her home was too much for us. However, she never realized how hard it was for us to make time to come and fix things. Parents, especially if they are living alone, should embrace the fact that they should move to a senior facility. I am realistic enough to know that when my husband passes, I , too, will be ready to move when I am no longer able to take care of my home. I have told my children this, I don't want them to have to worry about me ( or take care of me or my home), like I have done with my mother.
For me, the trouble with this comment is that it is so general. The OP has said it is not about herself so it is a general statement abut seniors. I, as many other here can justify why we cannot help our parents to stay in their homes, some parents have chosen to go into facilities ( my mother), some parents have conditions so serious they requite 24/7 professional help and so on.
I am wondering, Mary, if you are concerned about yourself and your future. Many seniors develop illnesses such that they require special care and staying in their home is not wise, nor kind to their children.
I'm sure most of us here have given plenty, LONG BEFORE the thought of Assisted living or Nursing home care, ever came into play! In the many many years of giving up weekends, while the parents still lived in their home, changing light bulbs, mowing their lawns, and all the many things that we ourselves were putting on the back burner, while working and caring for our own homes and children!
There come a time when you just CAN'T ANYMORE!
In our own situation, we've care for my FIL in our home for 13 years, and it's just time!
If you can live in your home safely why would you be forced to give it up? It is when you expect others to give up their lives so yours doesn't change there is a problem.
Mary, the sad reality is that people are rarely in a nursing home who don't need to be there. For one thing, it's terribly expensive, and almost nobody can afford it. Medicaid will only pay if the person has a level of impairment requiring skilled nursing care. At that level of impairment, it would take a small army to care for them at home. Adult children would have to give up everything else in their lives to take care of them. Some can't do that at all, some won't do it, and some will do it for a period of time before it becomes too much for them to handle.
I think that in terms of how much adult children care about their parents or how much they do for them, you really can't generalize from one relationship to another or make a general rule about what people should be willing to do. Every relationship is different. Some adult children have close relationships with their parents and some have very distant or conflictual relationships. I'm glad that your children are supportive and loving and that you feel you can count on them if you need anything. I wish every elder could have that, but sometimes it doesn't work that way. I don't judge anyone without knowing their particular circumstances. Not everyone had doting, loving parents growing up. Some who did are selfish and ungrateful, for sure. But I wouldn't consider anyone selfish or ungrateful just because their parent has had to move to assisted living or a nursing home. The amount of time, energy, and commitment required to keep an incapacitated elder in their home is just more than most people can do. And the fact that the people often live for many years or even decades after becoming too frail to take care of themselves presents a major challenge for even the most loving families. People just plain wear out from having to take care of someone for so long.
Mary your concern for others is very laudable and it would be wonderful if all seniors could be cared for in their own homes till the day they die. Unfortunately we no longer live in a time of big famillies who never moved more than 30 miles from their birth place. They too had large families so there was always room for grandma and lots of people to share the caregiving. Sorry to say things have changed, not that I agree with the way things are but realistically both parents need to work to maintain the life style they have been educated to expect. Another aspect of this life is that divorce has become so easy and quick that family units are torn apart and the mother is usually the one who struggles to work at a low paying job just to keep a roof over her head. She just can't give up her job so the alternative for her parents is assisted living when they are no longer able to care for their needs. OK I follow a lot of frugal living sites so I know it is possible to live on very little money but the fact remains that you can be frugal in many areas but the utility company still has to be paid, gas has to go in the car to get to work and medical bills have to be paid. I totally understand your wishes that elderly parents should not have to be forced out of their own homes by their children. However there is often no choice and it becomes inevitable when an accident happens and the elder simply can't go home. Of course there are bad children whose only plan is to get their hands on Mom and Dad's money and naturally they don't post on this forum. Right now my daughter would like us to move closer to her and is even willing to buy a house and pay for any extra help we need which is wonderful. I like living in our current location and simple don't want to face the upheaval of another move. I physically can no longer do it and hubby is too disorganized and becomes so agitated before and after that the stress is more than I want to face. I wish everyone could look forward to a peaceful old age but we have no right to expect our children to make up for our lack of foresight in our younger years. I also wish that many children did not have to suffer the abuse and disadvantages that many have to endure. i would like to think that there is no abuse of vulnerable elders in nursing homes but I know that is not the case. i wish all the elderly were sweet and kind to their caregivers but if you read a few posts on this forum you will soon see what many caregiver have to put up with when they have sacrificed their lives for a parent. It would be nice if all Drs were able to only think of the best for their patients but unfortunately these days they perform many tests to cover their butts from the legal profession. No body ever said life was fair. Can you give of yourself Mary while you are still able to volunteer and help other elders even if it is only spending an hour with a neighbor to help write some letters. Every little helps.
Oh and while I am at it I wish there were more handicapped spaces in parking lots especially at hospitals.
just for th e record my children are the greatest children any one could have we are a very close family I was not not talking about how my children treat's me my children are always here when and if i need them and when i don't nee d them they are always around go visit the nursing homes in your area and just listen how sa d and loneling they are to be there would you lik e to b e there just because som e one said you had to be no i do not think so just my though for th e day
no one is forcein me to live in a nursing home or senior center I am sorry if it sounds that way I am just posting my though on here about senior living an d nursing home's I am sure there ha s to be some out there posting what I think about the way older citizen in thi s county are treated just to clear the record I was not talking about my self just posting
maryeit, in my neighborhood, one caring daughter decided to let her elderly parents stay at home, despite their decline and confusion They accidentally started a fire in the house. They called a son who was 300 miles away for assistance. The house ended up a total loss and both went to a hospital. Is that risk worth taking?
I am sorry to hear how hurt you are by your children's attitudes and views. Its a tough situation. My grandmother had 7 children. She also wanted more help and to be able to stay in her own home. I hear where you are coming from. Its something that requires a lot of communication between parents and adult children. I know its disappointing when it feels like no one is willing to do anything.
My grandmother was in hospital over Christmas. My aunt used this as an opportunity to force her into a nursing home. My grandmother never wanted to go. Its been a hard adjustment. Every situation is different.
I was the oldest in my sibling group. Never married. No children. I stayed behind in the same town to take care of my dad till he died in his own home. He too never wanted to go to a nursing home. But let me say as much as I loved my dad and wanted him to be happy. Being a full time caregiver or even part time care giver is a lot to take on. In the beginning it was okay, but as his care escalated and the years went on, I fear my resentment and anger affected the quality of his care. I tried to do my best. I tried to carry on, but it is a lot to put on an adult child.
I don't regret caring for my dad. And I am devastated by his loss. Four months later, I still don't understand why he died.
I know you want to stay in house. I hope you can access some community supports and you are able to stay there as long as possible. Have an honest conversation with your children. Be prepared to hear them. Its not that they don't love you or care. But don't make them do something that will only cause anger and resentment. And in some horrible cases lead to elder abuse.
I am not complanning about my children my children live close by my children are here with me and here when and if I need them I am talking about all the people who just put their parent into nursing home and do not care about the condition of the nursing home or senior center the parent who can not talk for them self I have seen some of the places where they are forced to live we a s citizen do the children ever just take the time to call or talk to their parent do they know or care about the condition that their parent live in just a little love and understanding is all most parent want from their children my children do just fine all education and on their own and care about their parent you see I can care for my self but I were to need them they would by here by my side in minute that is the way we raised them god bless
Maryett, when you chose to have babies, you freely took on the responsibility of taking care of them.
Your children are trying to take care of you by placing you where you will be safe and well tended and have social contacts. That **is** taking care of you, despite your desire to stay in your house and have everyone cater to your WANTS.
what about all th e20 dollars bill they gav e you in a life time they don't want pay back they just what a little kindness and an d understanding from you think all the time they gav e up just so you should be willing to just giv e back a little with love and under standing you will b e old an d nee d a little help som e day just dig deep down into your soul and you will see god bless
Mary, there are all sorts of different living arrangements today. A much broader array than when we grew up. So, let me share my story. My Mom was widowed at age 68. My folks never owned a home, she rented. And she did fine. By her age 89 (!) the urban area she rented in had changed. The supermarket she used to walk to closed. She then had to walk cross town and take a bus and do the same on her return. Carrying the groceries! Snow rarely gets shoveled in the city, so it would lock her into her 4 room apt until the snow was gone. She was lucky enough to have a washer/dryer in the basement, but the stair case didn't exactly meet code so what she could do at age 68 became more challenging at age 89. And, she never drove so she needed that laundry equipment. As her neighbors and friends passed away or moved closer to their children, her life became more and more isolated. SO-o I located a few communities that had services I thought would match her needs and got brochures from them. I asked her to look at them to see if any of them interested her. She liked one in particular that had small buses from the complex to shopping areas and other place of interest. We visited and she moved into it 6 weeks before her 90th birthday. It was a large community and all of the buildings connected so rain or snow she could get around inside the complex. There were 90 separate resident formed clubs. There were restaurants, religious services, banking, medical offices and a convenience store all on the grounds. There was a variety of activities day and night. She made a zillion new friends, she went on trips with them, played cards with them, ate and prayed with them, volunteered with them, etc. When she started to decline, they had aides that could be hired from their pool of vetted employees. As a daughter, I felt my Mom was safe and I can tell you she had a GREAT experience living there. Actually, I couldn't track her down half the time as she was busy all day long. Personally, I can't figure out why so many seniors want to stay in their own home when children have moved away, friends have passed on and isolation is sure to come. Give me lot's of activities and people to enjoy and I will be happy.
Maryett, You posted, "we ... just need to know our children are close by and are ok." Did you raise your children so poorly that they won't be able to take care of themselves as busy adults? I do not think so!
If you are complaining about them not calling you enough, or that they don't want to talk to you when you call more than once a week, then I think they are right to want you to move to a retirement community. Your world has become too small if you are worrying that they are ok or you are lonely. A community will be a great place where you will have a life bigger than worrying about your grown kids who YOU trained to be so successful at life!
In a community, you will actually have things that you "do", friends that you make that you see frequently, and your life will be better. Home is not a house, home is truly where your heart is.
Finally, isn't it a bit selfish of you to demand that they give to you, not their own children? As parents, we want our kids to grow up and leave us and have fantastic experiences, better than what we had. If you saddle them with caring for you, you are damning them to a mediocre life at best. Please, consider their futures and move to a retirement home, if only to keep them from resenting you.
I'll turn this question around, why do some parents insist on holding on to their 5 bedroom home with the huge yard when they can no longer maintain it, when the neighbourhood has changed and they no longer know the people next door, when their children are living 50 miles away and can't be there to help at the drop of a hat? I bought my current home with a plan to stay here until I am about 75, then I hope to move to a senior friendly apartment in the nearest city where I know there will be more services to help me and where some of my family lives. But then I don't have any kids of my own so I know that I have to be practical and make realistic plans for my own failing health as I age.
Did you live with and be the caregiver for you parents until they died?
Have you ever considered that the "little help" you need is in fact a great deal of help?
If you want to stay in your home, then you need to figure out how to pay for the in home help....that is typically going to be $20 per hour.
Or...are you asking one or more of your children to endanger their own senior years by giving up their paying job to help you without pay?
It is no an easy question to answer. Either for you or for your adult children. Honestly, most of the time the only way to be sure Mom and Dad are safe and have the help they need without improverishing themselves is to move Mom and Dad to a nursing home.
Children go the NH or AL route for various reasons. From what I've read in this forum, some worry about their parents' safety and overall well-being. Others don't want to be bothered with the responsibility and dump them where they can spend the rest of their lives; whether they're lonely and miserable or not. A few, which I dub "vultures," can't wait to lay their claws on the few worldly possessions their parents might have left.
Come to think of it, I am ashamed of some of the comments I've made before. In one instance I suggested taking the car keys away from this or that parent. It never occurred to that getting behind the wheel is one way the elderly exert their independence. Especially in Montana. If you don't have wheels, chances are you won't get there. Taking the keys away, then, is tantamount to imprisonment for someone who isn't a danger to himself or others.
In my family, the thought of putting someone in a NH or AL is ludicrous and abusive. It's like taking your dog to a pound just because you don't want to walk and feed him anymore. Regardless of their age and condition, our elderly spend the rest of their lives surrounded by all of us; whether they like it or not.
ok have you ever taking anti anxiety drugs if so than you know they can cause the system they are suppose to control some people live to be 100 or so and no anti anxiety drugs as we age we need people to understand and to just be ther e as we were for them my children all all great we as older citizen just need to know our children are close by an d are ok just take the time there is a ways a phone and say just calle d to say hi ok
Mary, my mom was in much the same situation as you describe. She'd lived in the same house since 1956. My dad died in 1997 and told mom never to sell the hose as she'd end up paying "high rent".
All was well until 2007 when mom started to become very anxious about storms, appointments and almost everything you could imagine. We arranged lawncare, snow removal, we took over her finances and brought her food each week. Brought in a cleaning service. Arranged for a car service who could take her to appointments.
Ultimately, mom started having "emergencies" Every day. The doc started her on an antidepressant in addition to the anti anxiety meds she had been taking. -t became clear that mom was no longer able to live on her own. We brought in full time aides, but they made mom nervous.
In the end, we moved mom to an independent "iving facility that provided 3 meals a day, activities and transportation. It gave mom social contact, the ability to get to the doctor on her own and folks who could help if she fell or fell ill.
I guess that I'm a product of and typical of my generation that when the place I'm living in doesn't work for me any longer, I'm ready to move elsewhere.
Often hiring in-home help is a very good way to stay in your home, until/unless you have increasing needs for medical care. Your children can't force you into a care center, and you can't force them to take care of you. They can encourage you to do what they think is best for you. You can make your own decisions.
What is your idea of "give back a little bit"? What would you want your children to do for you, if they were willing?
I want to ask on e question how would you like it if now you had to move into nursing home or senior center and sell you home that you have lived in a long time just so it would pay that type of living and be told what to do all the time god I ask have mercy on us all who makes this law that say you have to just because
I am not a care giver for some one living at home I live in my own home why should we just because we have reached our golden years and we asked our children some time for advice about hiring out side work do we have to move into senior living or nursing do children only care about what their parent can give them once your parent I s gone than it I s to late to just give back a little bit of your self what about all the times they gave of them self just for you so you could have a better life
It really is sad, isn't it? We are living so much longer than previous generations but not necessarily in good health. In most cases children who want to see their parents in care homes want to see them safe and well-cared for. Their parents are not only frail, but often have impairments of various kinds. They don't want to see their mother up on a ladder changing a light bulb or Dad throwing his back out shoveling snow.
You took care of children. You helped take care of grandchildren. Did you take care of your parents?
For her to expect us to take care of her and her home was too much for us. However, she never realized how hard it was for us to make time to come and fix things.
Parents, especially if they are living alone, should embrace the fact that they should move to a senior facility. I am realistic enough to know that when my husband passes, I , too, will be ready to move when I am no longer able to take care of my home. I have told my children this, I don't want them to have to worry about me ( or take care of me or my home), like I have done with my mother.
I am wondering, Mary, if you are concerned about yourself and your future. Many seniors develop illnesses such that they require special care and staying in their home is not wise, nor kind to their children.
There come a time when you just CAN'T ANYMORE!
In our own situation, we've care for my FIL in our home for 13 years, and it's just time!
we've gotten older too, and are plum worn out!
I think that in terms of how much adult children care about their parents or how much they do for them, you really can't generalize from one relationship to another or make a general rule about what people should be willing to do. Every relationship is different. Some adult children have close relationships with their parents and some have very distant or conflictual relationships. I'm glad that your children are supportive and loving and that you feel you can count on them if you need anything. I wish every elder could have that, but sometimes it doesn't work that way. I don't judge anyone without knowing their particular circumstances. Not everyone had doting, loving parents growing up. Some who did are selfish and ungrateful, for sure. But I wouldn't consider anyone selfish or ungrateful just because their parent has had to move to assisted living or a nursing home. The amount of time, energy, and commitment required to keep an incapacitated elder in their home is just more than most people can do. And the fact that the people often live for many years or even decades after becoming too frail to take care of themselves presents a major challenge for even the most loving families. People just plain wear out from having to take care of someone for so long.
Sorry to say things have changed, not that I agree with the way things are but realistically both parents need to work to maintain the life style they have been educated to expect. Another aspect of this life is that divorce has become so easy and quick that family units are torn apart and the mother is usually the one who struggles to work at a low paying job just to keep a roof over her head. She just can't give up her job so the alternative for her parents is assisted living when they are no longer able to care for their needs.
OK I follow a lot of frugal living sites so I know it is possible to live on very little money but the fact remains that you can be frugal in many areas but the utility company still has to be paid, gas has to go in the car to get to work and medical bills have to be paid.
I totally understand your wishes that elderly parents should not have to be forced out of their own homes by their children. However there is often no choice and it becomes inevitable when an accident happens and the elder simply can't go home. Of course there are bad children whose only plan is to get their hands on Mom and Dad's money and naturally they don't post on this forum.
Right now my daughter would like us to move closer to her and is even willing to buy a house and pay for any extra help we need which is wonderful. I like living in our current location and simple don't want to face the upheaval of another move. I physically can no longer do it and hubby is too disorganized and becomes so agitated before and after that the stress is more than I want to face.
I wish everyone could look forward to a peaceful old age but we have no right to expect our children to make up for our lack of foresight in our younger years. I also wish that many children did not have to suffer the abuse and disadvantages that many have to endure. i would like to think that there is no abuse of vulnerable elders in nursing homes but I know that is not the case. i wish all the elderly were sweet and kind to their caregivers but if you read a few posts on this forum you will soon see what many caregiver have to put up with when they have sacrificed their lives for a parent. It would be nice if all Drs were able to only think of the best for their patients but unfortunately these days they perform many tests to cover their butts from the legal profession. No body ever said life was fair.
Can you give of yourself Mary while you are still able to volunteer and help other elders even if it is only spending an hour with a neighbor to help write some letters. Every little helps.
Oh and while I am at it I wish there were more handicapped spaces in parking lots especially at hospitals.
They accidentally started a fire in the house. They called a son who was 300 miles away for assistance. The house ended up a total loss and both went to a hospital. Is that risk worth taking?
I am sorry to hear how hurt you are by your children's attitudes and views. Its a tough situation. My grandmother had 7 children. She also wanted more help and to be able to stay in her own home. I hear where you are coming from. Its something that requires a lot of communication between parents and adult children. I know its disappointing when it feels like no one is willing to do anything.
My grandmother was in hospital over Christmas. My aunt used this as an opportunity to force her into a nursing home. My grandmother never wanted to go. Its been a hard adjustment. Every situation is different.
I was the oldest in my sibling group. Never married. No children. I stayed behind in the same town to take care of my dad till he died in his own home. He too never wanted to go to a nursing home. But let me say as much as I loved my dad and wanted him to be happy. Being a full time caregiver or even part time care giver is a lot to take on. In the beginning it was okay, but as his care escalated and the years went on, I fear my resentment and anger affected the quality of his care. I tried to do my best. I tried to carry on, but it is a lot to put on an adult child.
I don't regret caring for my dad. And I am devastated by his loss. Four months later, I still don't understand why he died.
I know you want to stay in house. I hope you can access some community supports and you are able to stay there as long as possible. Have an honest conversation with your children. Be prepared to hear them. Its not that they don't love you or care. But don't make them do something that will only cause anger and resentment. And in some horrible cases lead to elder abuse.
Your children are trying to take care of you by placing you where you will be safe and well tended and have social contacts. That **is** taking care of you, despite your desire to stay in your house and have everyone cater to your WANTS.
SO-o I located a few communities that had services I thought would match her needs and got brochures from them. I asked her to look at them to see if any of them interested her. She liked one in particular that had small buses from the complex to shopping areas and other place of interest. We visited and she moved into it 6 weeks before her 90th birthday. It was a large community and all of the buildings connected so rain or snow she could get around inside the complex. There were 90 separate resident formed clubs. There were restaurants, religious services, banking, medical offices and a convenience store all on the grounds. There was a variety of activities day and night. She made a zillion new friends, she went on trips with them, played cards with them, ate and prayed with them, volunteered with them, etc. When she started to decline, they had aides that could be hired from their pool of vetted employees. As a daughter, I felt my Mom was safe and I can tell you she had a GREAT experience living there. Actually, I couldn't track her down half the time as she was busy all day long. Personally, I can't figure out why so many seniors want to stay in their own home when children have moved away, friends have passed on and isolation is sure to come. Give me lot's of activities and people to enjoy and I will be happy.
If you are complaining about them not calling you enough, or that they don't want to talk to you when you call more than once a week, then I think they are right to want you to move to a retirement community. Your world has become too small if you are worrying that they are ok or you are lonely. A community will be a great place where you will have a life bigger than worrying about your grown kids who YOU trained to be so successful at life!
In a community, you will actually have things that you "do", friends that you make that you see frequently, and your life will be better. Home is not a house, home is truly where your heart is.
Finally, isn't it a bit selfish of you to demand that they give to you, not their own children? As parents, we want our kids to grow up and leave us and have fantastic experiences, better than what we had. If you saddle them with caring for you, you are damning them to a mediocre life at best. Please, consider their futures and move to a retirement home, if only to keep them from resenting you.
I bought my current home with a plan to stay here until I am about 75, then I hope to move to a senior friendly apartment in the nearest city where I know there will be more services to help me and where some of my family lives. But then I don't have any kids of my own so I know that I have to be practical and make realistic plans for my own failing health as I age.
Did you live with and be the caregiver for you parents until they died?
Have you ever considered that the "little help" you need is in fact a great deal of help?
If you want to stay in your home, then you need to figure out how to pay for the in home help....that is typically going to be $20 per hour.
Or...are you asking one or more of your children to endanger their own senior years by giving up their paying job to help you without pay?
It is no an easy question to answer. Either for you or for your adult children. Honestly, most of the time the only way to be sure Mom and Dad are safe and have the help they need without improverishing themselves is to move Mom and Dad to a nursing home.
Come to think of it, I am ashamed of some of the comments I've made before. In one instance I suggested taking the car keys away from this or that parent. It never occurred to that getting behind the wheel is one way the elderly exert their independence. Especially in Montana. If you don't have wheels, chances are you won't get there. Taking the keys away, then, is tantamount to imprisonment for someone who isn't a danger to himself or others.
In my family, the thought of putting someone in a NH or AL is ludicrous and abusive. It's like taking your dog to a pound just because you don't want to walk and feed him anymore. Regardless of their age and condition, our elderly spend the rest of their lives surrounded by all of us; whether they like it or not.
All was well until 2007 when mom started to become very anxious about storms, appointments and almost everything you could imagine. We arranged lawncare, snow removal, we took over her finances and brought her food each week. Brought in a cleaning service. Arranged for a car service who could take her to appointments.
Ultimately, mom started having "emergencies" Every day. The doc started her on an antidepressant in addition to the anti anxiety meds she had been taking. -t became clear that mom was no longer able to live on her own. We brought in full time aides, but they made mom nervous.
In the end, we moved mom to an independent "iving facility that provided 3 meals a day, activities and transportation. It gave mom social contact, the ability to get to the doctor on her own and folks who could help if she fell or fell ill.
I guess that I'm a product of and typical of my generation that when the place I'm living in doesn't work for me any longer, I'm ready to move elsewhere.
What is your idea of "give back a little bit"? What would you want your children to do for you, if they were willing?
You took care of children. You helped take care of grandchildren. Did you take care of your parents?