that we have lived in worked saved for so we can live in until we die than our children want to put u s in nursing home or assistant living after all the years we spent careing for them taking care of grand children
I'll turn this question around, why do some parents insist on holding on to their 5 bedroom home with the huge yard when they can no longer maintain it, when the neighbourhood has changed and they no longer know the people next door, when their children are living 50 miles away and can't be there to help at the drop of a hat? I bought my current home with a plan to stay here until I am about 75, then I hope to move to a senior friendly apartment in the nearest city where I know there will be more services to help me and where some of my family lives. But then I don't have any kids of my own so I know that I have to be practical and make realistic plans for my own failing health as I age.
Mary, there are all sorts of different living arrangements today. A much broader array than when we grew up. So, let me share my story. My Mom was widowed at age 68. My folks never owned a home, she rented. And she did fine. By her age 89 (!) the urban area she rented in had changed. The supermarket she used to walk to closed. She then had to walk cross town and take a bus and do the same on her return. Carrying the groceries! Snow rarely gets shoveled in the city, so it would lock her into her 4 room apt until the snow was gone. She was lucky enough to have a washer/dryer in the basement, but the stair case didn't exactly meet code so what she could do at age 68 became more challenging at age 89. And, she never drove so she needed that laundry equipment. As her neighbors and friends passed away or moved closer to their children, her life became more and more isolated. SO-o I located a few communities that had services I thought would match her needs and got brochures from them. I asked her to look at them to see if any of them interested her. She liked one in particular that had small buses from the complex to shopping areas and other place of interest. We visited and she moved into it 6 weeks before her 90th birthday. It was a large community and all of the buildings connected so rain or snow she could get around inside the complex. There were 90 separate resident formed clubs. There were restaurants, religious services, banking, medical offices and a convenience store all on the grounds. There was a variety of activities day and night. She made a zillion new friends, she went on trips with them, played cards with them, ate and prayed with them, volunteered with them, etc. When she started to decline, they had aides that could be hired from their pool of vetted employees. As a daughter, I felt my Mom was safe and I can tell you she had a GREAT experience living there. Actually, I couldn't track her down half the time as she was busy all day long. Personally, I can't figure out why so many seniors want to stay in their own home when children have moved away, friends have passed on and isolation is sure to come. Give me lot's of activities and people to enjoy and I will be happy.
If you can live in your home safely why would you be forced to give it up? It is when you expect others to give up their lives so yours doesn't change there is a problem.
Mary, the sad reality is that people are rarely in a nursing home who don't need to be there. For one thing, it's terribly expensive, and almost nobody can afford it. Medicaid will only pay if the person has a level of impairment requiring skilled nursing care. At that level of impairment, it would take a small army to care for them at home. Adult children would have to give up everything else in their lives to take care of them. Some can't do that at all, some won't do it, and some will do it for a period of time before it becomes too much for them to handle.
I think that in terms of how much adult children care about their parents or how much they do for them, you really can't generalize from one relationship to another or make a general rule about what people should be willing to do. Every relationship is different. Some adult children have close relationships with their parents and some have very distant or conflictual relationships. I'm glad that your children are supportive and loving and that you feel you can count on them if you need anything. I wish every elder could have that, but sometimes it doesn't work that way. I don't judge anyone without knowing their particular circumstances. Not everyone had doting, loving parents growing up. Some who did are selfish and ungrateful, for sure. But I wouldn't consider anyone selfish or ungrateful just because their parent has had to move to assisted living or a nursing home. The amount of time, energy, and commitment required to keep an incapacitated elder in their home is just more than most people can do. And the fact that the people often live for many years or even decades after becoming too frail to take care of themselves presents a major challenge for even the most loving families. People just plain wear out from having to take care of someone for so long.
For me, the trouble with this comment is that it is so general. The OP has said it is not about herself so it is a general statement abut seniors. I, as many other here can justify why we cannot help our parents to stay in their homes, some parents have chosen to go into facilities ( my mother), some parents have conditions so serious they requite 24/7 professional help and so on.
I am wondering, Mary, if you are concerned about yourself and your future. Many seniors develop illnesses such that they require special care and staying in their home is not wise, nor kind to their children.
Before my mother moved in with us, she had a huge house, 2 hours away. The home needed continual fixing. My mother expected us to help her. She was also a hoarder,and she began to collect all sorts of things, making the home less and less safe.Obviously,it was time to move her due to her failing to take care of simple things( bills, yard, basic needs of the up-keep). Also, I was worried that she was going to fall in her home,as there was three flights of stairs. For her to expect us to take care of her and her home was too much for us. However, she never realized how hard it was for us to make time to come and fix things. Parents, especially if they are living alone, should embrace the fact that they should move to a senior facility. I am realistic enough to know that when my husband passes, I , too, will be ready to move when I am no longer able to take care of my home. I have told my children this, I don't want them to have to worry about me ( or take care of me or my home), like I have done with my mother.
It really is sad, isn't it? We are living so much longer than previous generations but not necessarily in good health. In most cases children who want to see their parents in care homes want to see them safe and well-cared for. Their parents are not only frail, but often have impairments of various kinds. They don't want to see their mother up on a ladder changing a light bulb or Dad throwing his back out shoveling snow.
You took care of children. You helped take care of grandchildren. Did you take care of your parents?
Did you live with and be the caregiver for you parents until they died?
Have you ever considered that the "little help" you need is in fact a great deal of help?
If you want to stay in your home, then you need to figure out how to pay for the in home help....that is typically going to be $20 per hour.
Or...are you asking one or more of your children to endanger their own senior years by giving up their paying job to help you without pay?
It is no an easy question to answer. Either for you or for your adult children. Honestly, most of the time the only way to be sure Mom and Dad are safe and have the help they need without improverishing themselves is to move Mom and Dad to a nursing home.
I'm sure most of us here have given plenty, LONG BEFORE the thought of Assisted living or Nursing home care, ever came into play! In the many many years of giving up weekends, while the parents still lived in their home, changing light bulbs, mowing their lawns, and all the many things that we ourselves were putting on the back burner, while working and caring for our own homes and children!
There come a time when you just CAN'T ANYMORE!
In our own situation, we've care for my FIL in our home for 13 years, and it's just time!
Maryett, You posted, "we ... just need to know our children are close by and are ok." Did you raise your children so poorly that they won't be able to take care of themselves as busy adults? I do not think so!
If you are complaining about them not calling you enough, or that they don't want to talk to you when you call more than once a week, then I think they are right to want you to move to a retirement community. Your world has become too small if you are worrying that they are ok or you are lonely. A community will be a great place where you will have a life bigger than worrying about your grown kids who YOU trained to be so successful at life!
In a community, you will actually have things that you "do", friends that you make that you see frequently, and your life will be better. Home is not a house, home is truly where your heart is.
Finally, isn't it a bit selfish of you to demand that they give to you, not their own children? As parents, we want our kids to grow up and leave us and have fantastic experiences, better than what we had. If you saddle them with caring for you, you are damning them to a mediocre life at best. Please, consider their futures and move to a retirement home, if only to keep them from resenting you.
I bought my current home with a plan to stay here until I am about 75, then I hope to move to a senior friendly apartment in the nearest city where I know there will be more services to help me and where some of my family lives. But then I don't have any kids of my own so I know that I have to be practical and make realistic plans for my own failing health as I age.
SO-o I located a few communities that had services I thought would match her needs and got brochures from them. I asked her to look at them to see if any of them interested her. She liked one in particular that had small buses from the complex to shopping areas and other place of interest. We visited and she moved into it 6 weeks before her 90th birthday. It was a large community and all of the buildings connected so rain or snow she could get around inside the complex. There were 90 separate resident formed clubs. There were restaurants, religious services, banking, medical offices and a convenience store all on the grounds. There was a variety of activities day and night. She made a zillion new friends, she went on trips with them, played cards with them, ate and prayed with them, volunteered with them, etc. When she started to decline, they had aides that could be hired from their pool of vetted employees. As a daughter, I felt my Mom was safe and I can tell you she had a GREAT experience living there. Actually, I couldn't track her down half the time as she was busy all day long. Personally, I can't figure out why so many seniors want to stay in their own home when children have moved away, friends have passed on and isolation is sure to come. Give me lot's of activities and people to enjoy and I will be happy.
I think that in terms of how much adult children care about their parents or how much they do for them, you really can't generalize from one relationship to another or make a general rule about what people should be willing to do. Every relationship is different. Some adult children have close relationships with their parents and some have very distant or conflictual relationships. I'm glad that your children are supportive and loving and that you feel you can count on them if you need anything. I wish every elder could have that, but sometimes it doesn't work that way. I don't judge anyone without knowing their particular circumstances. Not everyone had doting, loving parents growing up. Some who did are selfish and ungrateful, for sure. But I wouldn't consider anyone selfish or ungrateful just because their parent has had to move to assisted living or a nursing home. The amount of time, energy, and commitment required to keep an incapacitated elder in their home is just more than most people can do. And the fact that the people often live for many years or even decades after becoming too frail to take care of themselves presents a major challenge for even the most loving families. People just plain wear out from having to take care of someone for so long.
I am wondering, Mary, if you are concerned about yourself and your future. Many seniors develop illnesses such that they require special care and staying in their home is not wise, nor kind to their children.
For her to expect us to take care of her and her home was too much for us. However, she never realized how hard it was for us to make time to come and fix things.
Parents, especially if they are living alone, should embrace the fact that they should move to a senior facility. I am realistic enough to know that when my husband passes, I , too, will be ready to move when I am no longer able to take care of my home. I have told my children this, I don't want them to have to worry about me ( or take care of me or my home), like I have done with my mother.
You took care of children. You helped take care of grandchildren. Did you take care of your parents?
Did you live with and be the caregiver for you parents until they died?
Have you ever considered that the "little help" you need is in fact a great deal of help?
If you want to stay in your home, then you need to figure out how to pay for the in home help....that is typically going to be $20 per hour.
Or...are you asking one or more of your children to endanger their own senior years by giving up their paying job to help you without pay?
It is no an easy question to answer. Either for you or for your adult children. Honestly, most of the time the only way to be sure Mom and Dad are safe and have the help they need without improverishing themselves is to move Mom and Dad to a nursing home.
There come a time when you just CAN'T ANYMORE!
In our own situation, we've care for my FIL in our home for 13 years, and it's just time!
we've gotten older too, and are plum worn out!
If you are complaining about them not calling you enough, or that they don't want to talk to you when you call more than once a week, then I think they are right to want you to move to a retirement community. Your world has become too small if you are worrying that they are ok or you are lonely. A community will be a great place where you will have a life bigger than worrying about your grown kids who YOU trained to be so successful at life!
In a community, you will actually have things that you "do", friends that you make that you see frequently, and your life will be better. Home is not a house, home is truly where your heart is.
Finally, isn't it a bit selfish of you to demand that they give to you, not their own children? As parents, we want our kids to grow up and leave us and have fantastic experiences, better than what we had. If you saddle them with caring for you, you are damning them to a mediocre life at best. Please, consider their futures and move to a retirement home, if only to keep them from resenting you.
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