How do you handle this situation?

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My elderly 81 year old widowed mother has chosen to live independently at home. Yet she expects everyone else to take on her responsibilities of being able to live independently. Doesn't matter that she is capable of doing a lot of things for herself. She feels she is entitled to this treatment because of her age and doesn't feel she should pay for any services she requires, even though she has the finances to do it. Her expectations are directed at neighbors and family. Her sense of entitlement caused her loss of friendships and now the neighbors and family members are starting to back away. I cannot possibly take on all this responsibility she expects. Any advice?

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Sorry for all the typos. Just got done with yet another vitriolic phone call from Mommie Dearest and just vented with my entry.
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I think it's this particular generation . My grandparents were every independent and willingly went into assisted living when they realized it. My other grandmother who was widowed in her 60s lived independently with the help of workers I set up for her and was very appreciative. I'm 63 now wit humerus health issues and my 87 year old mom resents the fact that I have remarried and now have 4 beautiful grandchildren that i want to spend time with . She hates my husband because it is a symbol that I have my own life and am mot willing to be at her beck and call. She is in good health and lives in a beautiful senior living community with everything she needs and wants at her fingertips. My late father who was very handicapped catered to her every whim and now she expects the same from me . I have frown to hate her due to her verbal abuse and accusations that I am not doing enough for her . I had a sever asthmatic attack while she was in the car with me . After I pulled over to use my rescue inhaler she asked if I was still going to take her to her needlepoint store ! My brother has ceased contact with her so I am in this nightmare alone. No wonder there are so many baby boomer caretakers dying before their self absorbed selfish parents and dream of being free someday if they last that long!
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FIL knew MIL has a sense of entitlement, he made sure I had some small type of compensation in return for my promise to care for her when he passed. He has bathed her since 1987...she is capable just hates to bath so someone has to do it for her. He knew I would be the one to cater to her...and I do now that FIL is gone . I set up her meals, manage and clean her house, bath and moisturize her, manage her health care including dr. appointments. Shop, arrange social schedules....come running at 8:00pm when she can't figure out why the phone is sounding so low...even though we are communicating fine on that phone. I have to figure out the cable box. and so on there is no lack of imagination ........She is so helpless....I am so stupid
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I used to work for an elderly lady who thought like this. She said people should respect the elderly and do things for them. She said that was the way they did things in 1921. Only thing is there wasn't that many elderly people then.
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Oh haha I have been thinking about this phrase a few days "life is hard for them". It sure is. My grandmother used to always say poor Betty ann about my mother. She said it constantly. She meant it too not making fun if her. I think that the wanting crazy things done is anxiety. I hired a lady once a week 5 hours $20 to do her crazy crazy bidding. That lovely woman doesn't argue with her. My mom loves her. I'm sure that poor woman hates me and siblings cause we are so awful. My brother neglected to drive three hour round trip today to get down a box for her. She can't sleep at night for worrying over this box. It has old tax forms in it. She wants to throw it away. She is so angry cause we won't come TODAY and get the box down so she can stop worrying about it. Ya sisters I feel your all pain as well. I says it must feel awful to be worrying about that box all the time. Yup.
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ive had experience with this. an elder trying to create a utopian world around themselves -- at someone elses expense. my dad , when alive would mow that sheer hillside then weedeat it. my uncle " red " would have jacked the mower deck up, cleaned and oiled the underside to prevent rust. all i can say is dad and red should have gotten a life. theyre lawnkeeping in hell now. when i get there its gonna turn back to a weed patch.
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Thanks so much everyone! I love my mom but what I see is that instead of appreciating what I do for her, she just expects more. My sister lives 2 states away and comes quite often. She's the nice daughter because she will do anything my mom wants. I have told my mom - yes, she sure will do anything you want, just as soon as she gets back from her frequent vacations. She'll do whatever you want, then she goes home. I am here all the time. I finally read the book "boundaries" and it was very good.

I don't want to sound bad, I love my parents, but I don't take care of myself nearly as well as I take care of her. The other day she actually said to me "I have cancer, people should do things for me". This is wrong on so many levels!!! She said this after she asked me to fix her phone and I told her I would be happy to, just get me the phone. That's when she called my sister out of the other room to get it so my mother wouldn't have to stand up and walk 5 feet. Now, in her defense, she wasn't feeling well, and she was devastated by bad news about her cancer but still...as an RN, I know that playing victim and never moving isn't good for anyone. It's all so dysfunctional. I know I'm not going to change her at this point, I just have to set boundaries and not let my health and relationships continue to suffer.
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Ahhh, emjo, you do know my mom well. When you said "set up" uh huh, that's right. Five of us are on the same page because we are finally grown up enough and our eyes have been opened up enough times that we are too familiar with Mom's games. My mom's favorite pastime is to start family wars. She gets unhappy with someone in the family who has disagreed with her on a matter or has upset her. She wants everyone on her side. These are ugly battles in which she works hard to badmouth the person she has declared war on. And you will be on a side - whether you like it or not. If you don't agree with Mom, you are on the other's person's side and she will begin badmouthing you. She lives for this sort of thing and loves starting wars between her children. The retirement years she and Dad lived several states away- were the most peaceful years of my siblings' lives. She started several wars in their retirement community .... I still have cousins in their 60's and 70's that dislike my siblings for these past grievances with Mom- if Mom declared a war, the cousins were on her side every time. They are horrified that we don't "take better care" of Mom. They were never victims of her wars, anyone who has been, learns to steer clear of the land mines.

Our youngest sister was never a victim, she always agreed with Mom, and I think she might like the fighting. After Dad died and Mom returned to live near her children, we all predicted she would start a major family war within 3 years. So far she hasn't been able to do it, I think we are all (well except one) doing our best to not let her. The damage that was done in the past wars keeps my siblings from being able to love each other. I think that was part of her overall plan, she only wanted us to love her. Who does this to their own children? Well, you know who does it.
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OncehatedDIL I had to laugh at the oil thing. I wonder if they do it on purpose just so they can get upset and say people aren't doing things for them. When my sis was here and things got all riled up more than usual, mother called and wanted me - age 76 and with a bad shoulder on the side I have a good hand - to help her move furniture, which, incidentally, did not need to be moved. It was another of her crazy ideas. Move furniture!!! I don't think so. Then sis holds it against me as not doing anything for mother, and not communicating with her when I stopped taking the crazy/abusive phone calls from mother and her about this stuff. They try to set you up. You are fortunate that your sibs are all on the same page, or they appear to be from what you write. If my deepest disappointments were about who would not take my garbage out, I think life would be pretty good. My goodness, life is hard for her isn't it? I enjoy your stories - the scenarios are so familiar. ((((((hugs)))))
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Hi Countrymouse:) For several months it was worse as Mom pressured my sister to spend more and more time with her. My sister got a second part time job a few months ago. Now she is only at Mom's 3-4 times a week, before it had gotten to 5-6 days a week. Mom complains constantly that "no one has time for me", yet turns down invitations to family parties, and grandchildren events. Everyone who invites her always offers to pick her up. She does delight in emailing her old friends and other elderly relatives telling them about the invitations she has turned down. She wants them to know she receives these invites so at least they have some value to her.

Hey emjo:) My mom is still deeply disappointed that she can't get my brothers to each stop by once a week to take out her garbage. My sister takes it out for her twice a week, this hasn't stopped mom's complaints. She wants my brothers to do it and won't be happy until that happens. One of my brothers stopped by on his way to a funeral, all dressed up, and she asked him to check the oil on her car.
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