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Today while my sister, cousin, and I were out shopping Mom called and said someone tried to break into her house but didn't want us to call the sheriff(this puts up a red flag to me). We were close to the sheriff's office so we went in and reported it and they sent a sheriff out and we were right behind them. Well Mom got so mad at us for calling the sheriff and was really rude to us. This brought up another red flag...did this really happen or was she doing this for attention. The sheriff said that normally break ins do not happen during the day time but sometimes they do. Mom would not go home with any of us said that she was fine and she would just stay home(another red flag went up). When I got home my hubby said that Mom had just called him about 5 minutes before I called to inform him that I was going over to Mom's because someone had tried to break in. He said Mom didn't mention anything about anyone trying to break in, all she wanted to know was where we were. He told her we were out shopping and she said bye---so this combination of things makes me wonder if Mom really did have someone trying to break in.
I called my sister who lives out of town and told her not to mention to Mom about me telling her about what had happen but to call and ask how her day went. Mom did tell her about the suppose breakin but said the person was driving either a green van or station wagon...she told us and sheriff that it was a green station wagon.
I do have Mom a emergency call button that she finally will wear around her neck and the sheriff told her to push that if this happened again. I mentioned to the sheriff that Mom said someone was ringing her doorbell almost every morning around 2AM & sometimes at 4AM...Mom didn't say a word when I told him that.
A cousin was with us and when we came home she told me that Mom really needed to be in a facility that she was pass that point. Now at least I have someone else that sees, what my siblings wont', that Mom needs not be by herself.
My sister who is POA will not deal with this and even though she came to Mom's when I called her she still doesn't think anything is wrong. My sister, as I posted earlier, is leaving the day after Christmas for the winter and won't be back for 5-6 months. Mom is also wondering outside(Pond behind her house) and is going to the mailbox in her night gown top...no pants on and it's cold here.
My sister did tell the sheriff that Mom is leaving doors open...which by the way I've been telling my sister this forever..while she's asleep on the couch.

The middle of next month I will, I hope it will be, my finally surgery for this cancer and I truly can not handle Mom on my own.
How do I get my sister to do something in 2 1/2 weeks? Thanks

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If she has a microwave you could disable the stove so she can not use it-a lady near here got caught on fire and did die. I think called APS and your local Social Service office should be done-it is amazing to me some sibs will not accept that the parent has dementia and want to do things their way-I saw that with a sil and her sister especially about driving and getting lost the sister thought the mother shold be allowed to drive then when the police got involved with an accident the sister had the mother take a driving test which she failed I agree with Jeanne you probably need to be the one taking action before something bad happens-we have had elders die because they wandered outside in cold weather near where I live.
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Lynn60, I think that you have plenty of evidence that your siblings are not going to take care of your mother. Maybe you are a little in denial on that score, but there really is no point in calling them and expecting some help.

Anyone can call APS -- a neighbor, the mailman, anyone concerned that the vulnerable adult is at risk. You don't have to have POA to ask for an investigation. My sisters (none of them with POA) were able to arrange a lot of in-home care help for our mother. POA is about financial transactions and legal decisions, like signing a contract. It won't stop you from talking to health and welfare agencies.
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Your mother has dementia, right? A certain amount of paranoia is very common. She is probably not doing this deliberately to get attention, but she is very confused.

But, your real issue is that no one else is willing to deal with your mother's needs. You cannot. You must prepare for and then recover from surgery.

My first thought is that you should call Social Services, but since you do not have POA and someone else does, I'm not sure how that would work. So ... maybe it would be best to call Adult Protection Services. You mother is vulnerable and she is not getting sufficient care. Explain your own medical situation. Your mother will probably insist that she is fine and I don't know if APS can do anything in that case, but I think I would give a call and see what happens.

It sounds like your cousin is right. Mother is beyond the point where she can be on her own.
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Mom was diagnosed with Alzhiemer's about 3 yrs ago but all the siblings doesn't think she has it.
Her being outside in the cold with only a night gown on really concerns me. Plus a few days ago while I was over there she turned on the gas stove and waited to light it and flames just flew up and there was a poof sound. It really scared me. I told my siblings...and you won't believe this... and they said they couldn't take everything away from Mom that she will be ok. I told them about a friend who said her Mom did that and got caught on fire but did not die from burns but from the smoke. One of my siblings said that the stove has always done that....I have never seen that before.
Thanks for your help and reminder. Hugs!
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Your siblings are just plain wrong. You need to work around them and stop trying to get things done through them.
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Lynn, if your siblings won't or can't help you with mom, I would ask you to please look into respite care for her while you are healing. If she is low income, sometimes the state will help with the expenses (I know they do in NJ) but you have to apply for it. Often, people try to cover up or just deny a parent's dementia because it's so very hard to deal with. One knows that "if" the parent indeed does, suffer from dementia, there is no "getting better" and your parent as you know them now, will not be the same. I think that's very hard for children to understand and I don't know if it's the case with your siblings or not. I would discuss this situation with the hospital patient services person and see if the can offer you any good advice. It can't hurt and YOU need to heal as well. We tend to put things off for ourselves while taking care of loved ones. I sincerely wish you peace and health.
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I went over to check on Mom today after talking to her earlier and here she was sitting in the living room with both doors open(front & back). She didn't even hear me come in and I was hollering her name the whole time!
Last night she called me and was slurring her words really bad as well as this morning. I called one of my siblings and they said "Oh well, she must be taking more of that pain meds"!
Thanks for all your suggestions...I'm going to make calls tomorrow but I'm not sure how much I can get done since I'm not Mom's POA especally in our state. Hugs!
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I called the lady who checks on Mom, she is from the Agency for Aging, and talked with her about what Mom is doing. She suggested that we have a family meeting and have a plan in place before my sister leaves for the winter. This lady also feels like Mom needs to be in either Assistant living or nursing home. She also said that Mom was a disaster ready to happen...and that is exactly how I feel! Truly, other than what I've already read, she wasn't any help.
I've read there was some type of mediator for this type of thing...where do I find that?
No, by no means am I in denial. I just want things in their place before my sister leaves and I want a plan of action for Mom. I do not want to find my Mom hurt or something worse and since I'm going to be down shortly myself, I sure can't do things myself. Thanks
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Lynn60, you are the only sibling who is not in denial about your mother, but if you aren't in denial about your sisters why are you doing the same things over and over and expecting different results? It was mid October that you started asking how to get your sister to make plans for when she leaves. It is now mid December, she is leaving soon, and there are no plans in place. Your sisters are not part of the solution -- they are part of the problem.

I am very glad you called the Agency for Aging lady. She is right. Your mom needs to be in a care center. She is a disaster waiting to happen. You don't need a mediator. You need someone who can make the placement happen. And you need to stop relying on your sisters to do that.

Would your mother consider making you POA? (I can't remember if that is has come up before.)

Call APS. Tell them you shortly will not be able to help your mother. Tell them what the Agency for Aging worker said. Tell them that your sisters cannot be relied on to give mother adequate care. See what their suggestion is.

What you have tried since October is not working. Try something else. Bring in outside professionals.

My sincere best wishes to you, on resolving care for your mother and on your upcoming surgery.
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