Lucid or not? Do you find it better or worse when a loved one understands?

You are right - sometimes you're between the proverbial rock and a hard place. When the lucid moments make our parent sad and they just want to die (my mother used to say, "Can't you just give me a little black pill?"), that's horribly upsetting for us. Yet, when the caregiver is being ranted at for things that aren't true, that's awful as well. I don' t know that there's an answer to your question, so I'd avoid comparing the two. They are both tough.
When you mother wants you to "shoot her", try saying, "I'm so sorry you have to suffer so much. You know I can't do that, but I'll do everything I can to make you more comfortable." If there's something concrete you can offer to do, such as tell her you'll check with the doctor about a different medication, you can offer to do that. Otherwise, just tell her you love her and that you'll do everything you can for her.
When she's accusing you, do your best not to contradict or argue. That's tough when she thinks you've taken something. Maybe you could say, "Let's look for it together." I know - likely that won't work, but it's worth a try. attempt to control your body language and obvious frustration, since that will only make the situation worse. If you can find any secret humor in the scenario, that will help you weather the storm. Detaching from the reality and not taking the insults personally takes practice, but it can help.
I wish there was a magic pill for all of these issues, but sadly there isn't much we can do but weather them. Agree when you can, distract when you can, redirect when you can. And try to remember this isn't about you or her. It's the disease.
Take care, my friend. You have a lot of company on this site.
Carol

I am constantly reminded on this site of the people who are comforted after their parent passes that they hugged their parent and told that parent every day that they loved them.

So, while my mom can be nasty and difficult to be with, I think of the struggles and confusion she is handling in her own mind and just try to hug her and tell her I love her as often as I can. Thanks to the people on this site who remind me how important family love is during this transition process, when the people who are suffering don't know how to move through the process. Families seem to help the elders to navigate this process with support and love. I know it's difficult for all of us to know what to do. Each instance is an opportunity to think of how to handle it kindly. My thoughts are with you and hope you have a good day. In the long run, your mom will appreciate every positive thing you do and you will likely feel good about those positive and kind things for the rest of your life as well.

Tlhanger: one of the cardinal rules of dealing with folks who have dementia is ARE. Don't Argue, Reason, or Explain. Their reality is not your reality, and imagine if soneone were trying (kindly or not) to make you believe that you are not who you think you are. How would that work for either of you? Let all that logic stuff go and roll with her flow. It'll be a lot easier for you both. I have a sign up in my room: Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?

I remember those trying days with the repeated questions. I am glad they are over. But now Mom still asks things but we have no way to understand what she is asking us, so it's still hard. When she gets upset I hug her and tell her I love her and that I'm trying my best to take good care of her. She usually reciprocates with a hug. It amazes me how the emotions are intact.

Does it matter? Neither lasts for long. I have been giving my aunt coconut oil on a daily basis, and her mood has improved 1000%!
Good luck!

Mom has always been ornery, so it hard, and I've quit trying to present the truth as she doesn't believe it anyway and it makes her mad. She thinks she is a kid and she wants her mom, who died in the 70's. She doesn't know me most of the time. And how can she have an old child? She can be okay for a month, but when she derails it can be for up to 3 days as she doesn't know this house and just yearns to get back to Sharon, Pa which is right down the street in her mind. I live in Roswell, GA. During that time she doesn't sleep much if any....she wants her bed there.

Can't stick to the rule (don't explain) when you don't honestly know if it's dementia or just confusion. My mom doesn't have dementia but is recovering from a stroke and while cognitive is often disjointed about where we are. So when she asks me to restart the vcr and replay what we are watching, I explain that we are not at home and this machine doesn't have a vcr in it.
It doesn't upset her. She just moves on.

I dont know, both places have their challenges. Yesterday, my Niece and 10 other Family members visited with Mom and Dad, Mom insisted she was on a train going back to MI. My Niece played along with her, spoke of lay overs, transfers, why it was taking so long to get there but when I came in and heard the conversation I said turn this train around, we're going back home to TX! ( I said to my Niece you get to leave and a couple of hrs then I'm here with her thinking she has been abandoned...which is an issue all of its own) I go along with some of Moms conversation when she says she went to her Mothers house for dinner and tells me what was served but then theres other things that I will try to re-direct. I don't know if I'm right or wrong but I know we are all doing the best that we can.
It breaks my heart when my Dad says " I wish you could see the dreams we have" for my Mom, when she wakes up those dreams are her reality. How frightening, how sad to have your last days end like this.

Oh sorry, forgot to say, I don't want to be right, I just want them to feel safe and secure and for us ALL to have peace.

Thank u so much for all of your answers. I want you to know, that you all are beautiful people and we have done so many things that others have no idea or understand, why we do it. I get so upset sometime when peoples first responce is why don't you just put your mom in a home they have people there that can deal with it. Like they are a used car and put them in the shop or just junk it. I have to remind myself that not all people had that great of relationship with their parents or maybe they just don't want or have the time to do it. So, it's nice to have people to talk to that are in the same boat as I am, doing the best they can. Lucid can just be heart breaking and gut wrenching at the same time. Last nite she was just staring at the microwave in tears saying she doesn't know who she is anymore. I just held her tight and told her I love you and will always take care of her and remind her everyday who she is. I told her she is and will always be my hero. The moment only lasted 5 minutes, but it makes it all worth it when it happens.