My bedridden father with mestatic cancer needs someone to properly change his condom catheter, bathe him, clean his dentures and put them back in his mouth, feed him, shift him so he doesn't stay in one position all day, massage his limbs, change his depends diaper, clean him when he defecates, oil/lotion/moisturize his skin, keep his nails clean, talk to him, shave his face, do his laundry.

Hospice will not do this
Most caretaking agencies will not do the majority of this.

We need help.

As a Veteran, we have aide and attendance, my dad is not eligible for medicaid (they say his military pay is too much). We have to go to the food pantry to help feed ourselves because everything is so costly.


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My relative lived in a VA Domicillary (sp?) with varying levels of care. He had a nurse toward the end of his life. I believe all his money had to be signed over for his care the same way as Medicaid and nursing homes in order to keep him eligible. I think there is a gap between in-home services and nursing care and that is why people get moved when they need more care. I also know someone who fired hospice from coming to the house because they weren't doing the kind of personal care needed. He said they were more trouble than they were helpful. I may be wrong, but I think you are looking for a nurse. There are probably very specific things that caregivers are legally allowed to do. Thank you for your detailed list of needs. It helps me understand what to look for. My mother's doctor has not been helpful and I'm learning as each crisis hits, then scrambling to problem-solve. A small one for example, she files her fingernails but stopped trimming her toenails. It never occurred to me to inspect her toes. No wonder we burn out!
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Could your father go to a hospice house?

I would look into Medicaid again, perhaps with the help of an Elder Law attorney. If Father has few assets and his monthly income is too high, there may be a way he can "spend down" each month, which is kind of like having a deductible.

What does aide and attendance cover?
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