Mom (65) moved in with me because she cannot manage money. -

Mom (65) moved in with me because she cannot manage money.


Diabetic Mom (65) suffered a tbi in last December lays on couch most days. I finally got her where she is debt free and paid off her credit cards but now she won't let me see her bank statements anymore. She refuses help and won't leave my house unless I take her out somewhere. I don't know where to start I am so frustrated. She suffered a concussion at her job last December and as soon as she was released from the hospital she retired (on my suggestion, she had been written up many times at work) and began recovery for her injury. Things have gone down hill since then. She refused home health, PT, OT and won't write anything down, has mutiple online accounts she is unaware of how to access, scheduled a vacation with her savings and gets angry at me when I get after her about taking care of herself. (see a psych, go volunteer, call your friends, walk your dog, cook for yourself, etc.) The workers comp neurologist said she was fine. She is NOT the same. She has no drive and no desire to do anything for herself unless it is shopping or going out with me when I need alone time. I am ashamed at how angry i get with her but I am paralyzed with confusion. some days she is perfectly capable of normal living activities and people think i am overreacting and then she will stay in bed all weekend watching movies and wont eat unless I prepare something. I have a toddler and work full-time. My husband advised me to leave my job so I wouldn't keep getting sick trying to balance everything. My last day is this week and I don't even know where to begin. I also need to dispute her workers comp claim, sell all her hoarding crap, and follow up on all my missed dr. appts. UGH...where to begin. God bless you all dealing with this...I know i am dealing with the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for letting me vent.

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If she retired there is little or no comp claim to go after.
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Ugh is right! This sounds like such a hornet's nest of issues rolled together. I don't blame you for getting frustrated - on one hand it seems like she's using the injury as an excuse not to do anything for herself and to park herself in your house letting you make all the effort. On the other hand, if her brain really has been affected, you want to address the problem instead of blaming her.

If I were you, the first thing I would do it get your Mom to an independent neurologist. (Since she's 65 I assume she has Medicare and this would be covered, except for a copayment). Tell her she has to do it in order to have a basis for contesting the workers' comp denial (I assume that's what she's contesting). Then bring all these issues to the neurologist and get a thorough evaluation. Find out exactly how much he/she thinks your mother can do for herself at this point, and how much that could potentially improve, and under what circumstances. If there is a problem that requires therapy to address, maybe the doctor can impress your mother with the need to follow through and cooperate with the treatment plan.

You need information here, and you also need a leveraging point. Hopefully you can get those things with a new evaluation. I agree that otherwise, it's a bottomless pit that you don't want to keep throwing time and energy into.
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She should consult with a Workman's Comp attorney ASAP. There may be time deadlines for filing claims and/or appeals.

It's difficult to say what has caused her lack of initiative, but, from what you say, it's been present for a long time, right? Lack of initiative and resistance to care could indicate cognitive decline. What does the doctor say about that?

How well does she manage her diabetes? Is she Type I or II? Can you manage it without assistance? How often does she monitor her blood sugar levels? Long term high blood sugar levels can cause cognitive problems. Has she mentioned that?

Why would leaving your job help, if she resist your efforts to care for her?

Your situation is quite challenging. To me, the key is whether your mom is truly competent to handle her own affairs and medical decisions or not. My approach would depend on the answer to that question.

If she's competent, then she would have to make other arrangements to live elsewhere. I wouldn't keep investing money, time and energy. It's a bottomless pit and you will not get her to change. I'd comply with the law as to giving her notice regarding her relocation.

If she's incompetent or almost there, I'd l see an Elder Law attorney to get advice on the the laws in your state for how to deal with tacking this enormous challenge. At least you can explore what you will need to have in the form of evidence if you have to file in court for guardianship. If it's dementia, it will progress. I'd learn what to look for and consider how to protect her from herself.
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