Mom is in an abusive situation, but defends the parties involved. What would you do? - AgingCare.com

Mom is in an abusive situation, but defends the parties involved. What would you do?

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My mom lives in her own home, pays her bills with her social security, but my nephew (her grandson) lives there (22 y.o.) along with his girlfriend, does not pay any rent or do anything for her. They both verbally abuse her, and recently, the girlfriend gave my mom (82) a black eye and bruises on her arm. I found out by coincidence when my cousin stopped over to see her. The police and Adult protective services got involved, but bottom line, mom wouldn't press charges and denied everything. My nephew has been in drug rehab twice (recently out in August). Many of his/her friends in and out of the house, stay over; it is like a flop house. I don't know if drugs are there, but alcohol definitely is. They eat her food, do not help her what so ever. There were previous issues with my brother (my nephew's father) who lived there for several years, Physical and verbal abuse was rampant then. Bottom line: I want to kick them out, she won't let me. She says to just scare them to straighten them up, but it doesn't, and now that Adult protective services are involved, my nephew won't speak with me (after calling me every name in the book). She should not be taken out of her own home, but she now has moderate dementia, and I am worried about her. She receives alot of help from her Medicaid benefits so there is someone there for her every day, gets meals on wheels, etc. She tells me there is so many people coming and going she does know who is who. There is also an untrained young boxer dog there which is my nephew's, he does nothing for the dog, the dog relieves itself in the basement and mom cleans up after it. The girlfriend just brought a kitten into the fold this week. I unfortunately live in a different state, and I have two cousins who check on her and one pays her bills directly. She does not want to leave her house. I am at whits end.I also just sent both of them an notice to start paying rent in December. I am sure they are thumbing there nose at me. Last but not least, my sister lives 3 blocks from my mom, hasn't been on speaking terms for several years, and just ignores the situation.

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let aps do their job but if they are relying on your mom's testimony and denial of any wrong doing then i don't think they are doing their job...that is why they are there, to protect elders from the types of things occurring...the person that said nothing wrong with dog/cat...hygiene and sanitation ma'am if the dog is pooping and urinating in the basement. wonder where the cat will be relieving itself...aps is suppose to help your mom from people who eat her food, don't pay rent etc etc. boy i hope they do something positive. i understand your mom not wanting to leave her home. get a hold of the money situation so your mom's money is not used for anything except her needs. and, just out of curiousity why hasn't your sister been on speaking terms with you/or your mom for years my sister has done that too trying to get a mindset on people that do that.
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i wouldnt want a dog or cat in my house but thats a pretty petty reason to claim an elder is being exploited or abused. im sorry, it just sounds like your throwing everything you have at this grandkid and it isnt much imo.. some elders spend their lives on the phone badmouthing their caregiver just to get attention and sympathy or the caregiver isnt fullfilling her every wish in which case shes trying to manipulate them with your help. ive been at my mothers house for nearly six years and it is not uncommon for her to tell other family members that im the suckingest suck that ever sucked. its just what some gossipy old women do. i have an aged aunt whos identical. calls one person after another telling each how horrible the former was / is..
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Angel1bear...it's good that you know her fears. The one concerning wanting to keep her grandson out of jail is the toughest one to overcome. I had that experience in my family with a nephew and his grandmother. He would continually get in trouble, and she would continually bail him out, even though his father (a cop) said it would only enable him. The "tough love" route is especially hard to follow for mothers and grandmothers who want to "nurture". She finally came around...but it took years. I don't think you or your mother have that time. So, I would consider force in getting those people out of her house and her life. I would talk to an attorney and/or police to find out legally what can be done. I would also search for info about elder abuse and if you have an adult care or elder care program or facility in your area, visit them for guidance. I'm sure they've heard stories like yours before. Finally, if you don't get any actionable suggestions or help from those areas, I would consider other methods that would apply pressure to the abusers/roommates and make it less confortable for them to live there. We can discuss that further later.
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The same thing is happening to us as we speak. The best thing for you to do is hire a lawyer, get DPOA, put yourself on the house deed and secure any other assets you can. Take your mom and yourself to the lawyer and tell him everything. Believe me, after you talk to a lawyer your will feel much better.
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I believe you have touched on all of the reasons. The main one is she doesn't want her grandson getting into trouble; he already has two strikes against him being in drug rehab twice and in trouble with the law, she is afraid of them, and she doesn't want to be alone.
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Sounds like the root of fixing this situation is with your mom. She must come around to the idea of getting them out of there. You have to find out what is her reasoning behind not wanting to file charges or evict them. It is probably based on a fear of some sort. Could it be she likes having people around? (She doesn't feel lonely.) Does she feel more secure with someone else in the house? (Reduces fears of crime or violence.) Or, is she afraid her roommates will abuse her if she speaks up? You have to find out WHY she does not want the situation to change...then you can respond to her fears. Once you know what she's thinking...what she's afraid will happen, you can take steps and assure her that you won't allow it to happen. For instance, if she is afraid of them abusing her if she reports on them, explain that you will provide security until these people are out of her home. While they are moving out, there will be a cop or some large men of the family there observing. Or, you will take her in temporarily until they are gone.

You have to find out specifically what her fear is and then respond strongly and firmly to the fear. You have to remove the fear for her to act.
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Bless your heart, I have heard of similar situations so many times. In fact, I know of a lady in our church who is in a similar situation. There are lawyers who specialize in elder care and one might be able to offer some helpful suggestions to you. Linda Herner seemed to offer some good advice. I hope you find an answer, I will be praying for you.
Please let us know if you are able to do something. It could be useful information for other people who are in similar situations.
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thanks. i was just going to check out some laws in your moms's state...clearly you and your mom need some direction and some help. I pray you get it soon. I am from CA
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thanks. i was just going to check out some laws in your moms's state...clearly you and your mom need some direction and some help. I pray you get it soon. I am from CA
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She is in Ohio, I am in Maryland
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