My mother has aphasia and had to be placed in assisted living - she is very angry, screaming and lashing out. What should I do?

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After my mother had a bowel obstruction surgery - she had a stroke and now has aphasia. she knows what she is saying and is frustrated - but we were working through it. She had lived alone - and the doctor said she needs assisted living and as she was doing so well physically she didn't need a residential nursing home. We had 3 days to find a place and thougth we found the best fit. We moved her yesterday - and although she was upset with it - she seemed to accept it. This morning I received a call - she was very angry and had packed all of her things. My daugher called me and said she was freaking out. By the time we got there - she had gone through the home screamed at everyone and started throwing things. She refused to take her meds or eat. She also has a bladder infection - we were finally able to calm her down a little and she did take her antibiotic - but I am just not sure how to handle this. There really has been very little direction from rehab - and we just got in the assisted living. I am afraid they are going to ask her to leave. I should also say - she was not very kind before the stroke and could say some very hurtful things to people. I just need some direction on how to help her transition. I feel like I have a 130lb 4 year old.

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Is the AL staff and/or her Dr. giving you any advice or direction? Maybe a staff worker or social worker at the AL can give you some advice as well as sit down with her and talk to her unbiasly about her fears, frustrations.

Can you negotiate with her to try for 30 days or so and in the meantime tell her you will look into home health care (provided she can afford especially if she needs 24/7 supv) but explain to her you can't make promises and together, you will get input from the doctors and staff what is in her best interest and you only want to make sure she is happy, healthy and safe.

It does take awhile to adjust and she has just been robbed of some control and you get the brunt...

Take a deep breath and have peace knowing you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Also, tell her you have to get back to your family and job and will keep in touch (maybe call her every other day after work). It will be bumpy; but be sure you talk to staff as well as your mom once you leave as they may give you a different perspective on her behavior than she tells you over the phone. The distance and returning to your family will be a good break and put this chaotic situation in perspective for you as well once you get back in your own home environment.

Hang in there.
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My MIL is living with us, and I also feel like I have a toddler. Sometimes, when things happen, I ask myself what I would do if she was a child. It often works. With that in mind, before you go home, try to explain that you are leaving and that you will be back. Then leave. Maybe, like a toddler who throws a fit at day care, she will calm down when you are gone. Some of her behavior is likely for your 'benefit'. My MIL flashed me her boobs for what felt like 15 minutes. Yeah- those images are hard to erase.
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Hi - thank you for your response! We had set up the room with her things and have been visiting everyday and yesterday I was there to set up the cable for her. She refused to look at me, yelled and swore at me when the cable guy was out of her room- but fine when he was. She threw her breakfast at me- So I left the room when he left as clearly I was making her madder. Then when I went back in she had stood up and had pulled her pants ( yes, everything) down. I was mortified for both of us...her for her dignity and me for the image still in my head. She was so much better in rehab and each day is worse in assisted living. I live out of the area and have been with her for almost 3 weeks. I need to return home to my family and job soon and am feeling very guilty about all this. One thing to add is when my dad was sick she placed him in the worse nursing home and I swore I would not do that- she is in a nice place with a great staff.
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Well, the entire situation is extremely stressful and frustrating for her - she has lost most, if not all, of her ability to properly communicate, most likely has some physical limitations as well, and on top of that had to move from her home suddenly. It's a lot to deal with. If it is absolutely necessary for her to live in an assisted living facility, then I would suggest that you do everything that you can to support her. Visit her as much as you can, make her room/apt look like home as much as you can, and take her on outings with you - even something as small as the grocery store. Good luck!
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