Should I contact the police?

I appreciate everyone's input ... I decided to not contact the authorities. As you all have stated, it will just fuel the fire. When I wrote this question, I was full of hurt emotions and anger. I have placed my life on hold to take care of my Father and he assults me? I'm a little better now, but will be contacting the social worker with the VA about having him placed in a facility.

I no longer wish to be a doormat to a grumpy old man who doesn't appreciate the privilidge of being able to stay in his own home during his old age.

You definitely need to contact his doctor and let him know that your father is having violent outbursts. I really wish you all the luck in the world.

I don't mean to criticize you, but...if you're not going to remove yourself from the house for good (which I really feel you should do), you have got to be more assertive. Instead of "Can I eat? I haven't eaten today." just keep it at "I'm eating." You have a basic right to not be treated like a doormat. If my dad, who also uses a walker, and was (before dementia) a control freak, came at me with his walker, I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that he was about to be catheterized with it. You should probably not be that aggressive, because I don't want you getting hurt again. What you should do (after you talk to the doc), is just walk away every time he starts his control freak crap. Leave the room, leave the house, whatever. Don't cry, don't smirk, just walk out. As his body is failing him and he's less in control, he gets his control fix from controlling not only what you do, but how you feel. Stop letting him. Don't let him get you cornered again. Ever. I want to reiterate though, I really feel you should leave. Don't let anyone feed you any BS about how you "owe him". You don't. If you ever did, the scales tipped the other way when he got physical. The VA can provide caregivers for him. You're entitled to your own life.

Hopeless, I'm glad you're taking steps to remove yourself from a bad situation. People get hurt in situations like that. There's another caregiver on this site who had her leg broken by an Alzheimer's patient she was caring for. There are too many people who think and encourage others to think "that's just what happens when they get old", and wind up badly hurt. Remove yourself from the situation so that you aren't one of them. Whether or not he has dementia/Alzheimer's, at 84, he is not going to turn around and stop being a control freak. Understanding is fine, I encourage you to read up on what is going on with him. There's a wealth of information out there. Find it within yourself to feel sympathy and forgiveness. And while you're doing that, make the phone calls to the doctor and VA, and get yourself out of there.

hopeless, one other thought, don't rinse turkey with hot water, always use cold.

Hopeless I am sorry to hear about this happening to you. No parent should do this to their adult child. I am sorry people but I have had my own father get in my face and not to hit but sure looked like he wanted to. I will not tolerate any abuse from anyone and if your parent is trying to hurt you whether it is abuse or from their condition this is just not acceptable. I am sorry to sound so harsh but I have worked in domestic violence and it comes in all forms and sometimes it can be the reversal role where the daughter or son is abusing the parent. Who had the massive heart attack you or him? I did not get that part and if it was you or even if it was him you both need to sit down with someone, whether it is doctor or someone else in the family and get down to the specifics. This does not sound healthy at all and I am outraged that a parent could hurt their adult child after they are taking care of them. I know we tend to make all these excuses for this type of behavior but there has to be boundaries set way before this gets out of hand. I understand and have read on dementia and PTSD and Alzheimer's too. The day my father wants to strike at me or actually tries to hurt me is the day I really call it quits! We take enough as it is and no one needs to get abused in this manner. No one! I pray you get it straightened out as it is not healthy for you. I have been going through so much stress myself and knowing my father is ill is hard enough but to have to put up with the angry episodes just puts it over the top for me. Are you the only child? Blessings to you for all you do.

Dear Hopeless '

Physical abuse is not an option. If you feel the need to remove his walker to protect yourself, your dad would be better in a VA nursing home. I understand they provide very good care. You could visit him and your relationship may actually benefit from the change. Pick your battles: the turkey would be in a hot oven for many hours and heat destroys microorganisms..

I agree with the use of "I" messages + don't try to guess what your dad is thinking/feeling. He may be angry, but I doubt he would hate you forever.
Pick your battles. The battle of the turkey-- it will cook in a hot oven which will most likely destroy most microorganisms, or just don't eat the skin. Your dad may be trying incredibly hard to maintain a sense of worth, and being helpful. in the kitchen helps him to feel he is still needed. Good luck.

Here's a quick update ..... After 3.5 days of not speaking to my father, he rings his bell, a system we set up when he needs assistance. I go into the living to see what he needs .... And he proceeds with conversation as if nothing ever happened. He then says, he has noticed that I am not speaking to him, again. I say yes, I'm not until you apologize for your behavior. I explained that physical assault will not be tolerated and showed him the bruise me left on my leg! This man is truly insane ...... His response to my bruise .... Then you shouldn't have pushed me out of the way. I looked him in his face and said this is the end of this conversation and walked out. It took him 3.5 days to come up with a defense ... I pushed him out the way so he had to jam me with his walker 4 times. WOW ..... He is truly a sick person .... I'm not a professional and will not continue to be a part of this BS.

I'm sorry I sound so angry .... This man has never been kind, supportive or loving .... I often wonder what I moved back here from Maryland to take care of him. God help me!

@Hopeless. I was thinking of you and your father today and glad I stumbled on your message this evening. I can understand your angry and it has been three days since you both talked. I have my good days and rough days too with my father but I remember a few months ago when he looked the slightest bit like he would get violent with me I reminded him of who I was and that his actions hurt. Of course he apologized after I went in the room and told him that I was his daughter and I am not the nurse. Maybe he treats the nurses that way I think I witnessed his anger one time at the hospital like that too. I will in no shape or form allow my parent to strike at me in no uncertain terms will that be dismissed due to their illness, medication or whatever. I think when that happens it breaks the chain of trust and respect with each other. I know the occasional angry outbursts are enough but to deliberately want to hurt the caretaker is a no-no. Many years ago I was a victim of domestic violence for ten long years and I know after going through all that my tolerance to anyone laying a hand on me or pushing me or violating me is gone. Zero tolerance. That is me now. On my last note to you and you may be doing this now is I would document every thing when this type of behavior is present and make sure you tell your father or whoever else you ever tend to that you are making a record of this and presenting it to the doctor. I have read and heard so many stories where the parent has turned on the adult child and vice verse. It is best to keep documentation and photos. You never know when someone will come calling with a story your father has told them and possibly turn it around on you and say you did so and so and so and so..You get what I am saying? Just be careful as some sicknesses can provoke violence and you do not want to be any party to it. If I had gone through this what you have did my father would have or I would have to make arrangements to have someone else tend to him. My father has always been the loving supportive father but I guess now he thinks I am the only one who can take care of him. What about my three brothers? I have been ill on top of all of it and I am getting frustrated as all heck here in my own home anymore.

What it sounds like is you have had enough too. It is sad too because you do everything for him and this is what you get. I know..I am there too. My father is angry with me because I need a respite. Well he will be angry with me and whoever else in the family wants to be. I need my sanity and space to breathe after doing this for two solid years with NO BREAK! It is either he goes into respite or his daughter will end up getting respite in a hospital room from exhaustion. And that is no exaggeration!

I am here for you if you ever want to write me. I send you hugs tonight. Blessings too!

Hopeless, you are doing the right thing by trying to get your dad outside help and placement in a facility. You went way above any obligation in putting your life on hold and moving home, but unfortunately "it takes two to tango" and he is not willing/able? to make home care a reasonable option. There simply is never any obligation to put up with abuse, not for anyone. I'm praying that you can place him safely and then resume your life, which you have every right to do. God bless. The advice to document any verbal or physical assaults in case the issue ever comes up is a very good one.

Hopeless, did you photograph your injuries and show them to the social worker? Have you spoken to any social workers working for the Area Agency on Aging or even Adult Protective Services? You are an adult starting to need some protection! Their focus will be him but it might wake them up if they saw pictures of your bruises. If you say you are moving out and he is on his own by X date maybe these services will be forced to act? My mother refuses to accept help she needs or allow me any authority at all regarding her so I have much sympathy for you.