I've pretty much decided to send my husband to assisted living; he has dementia. Is this the right decision?

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I've been told I will not be able to handle him at home, but today when I saw him for 1 1/2 hrs. he seemed almost normal. What do I do. The only hint that was not normal was his remark that a lawn chair we bought for approx. $50, he insisted cost $275.00. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision re: assisted living and feel so guilty, especially when he acts almost normal.

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I am sure that many will find my answer crass and possibly cold hearted. But if you are finding him increasingly hard to handle, then research your options. You might want to have him evaluated at a memory clinic or major research center for ALZ. An outside opinion could help you to make a better-informed decision. For example, a prospective client refused to accept that her husband needed full-time care. But when Georgetown University's memory clinic told her that husband needed care during the day, she found a caregiver quickly.
I think of this decision, as hard as it is, similar to getting a divorce. The person who leaves is guilt-stricken and ponders the decision for a long, long time, even years. But once they make a decision and act on their decision, they feel enormous relief because they left or moved out. They felt freedom from taking action. They were no longer feeling weighed down by the pondering.
I perceive that placing a spouse in a facility as a type of divorce because it changes the pattern of the marriage. This action forces one to grasp the reality of this disease, as incredibly painful as it is. However, you might feel relief from the constant responsibility of daily caring.
This is a hard, hard decision.
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There is an old saying "No decision IS a decision." If you aren't sure, then no, don't send him. You'll know in your heart when the time is right. It might break your heart, but it will be the right thing to do.
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Go with your gut feelings, heart, but most importantly, read everyone of the answers here. Some you will agree with, some you will not. Agingcare.com is a respite for almost everyone of us that is a paid or unpaid caregiver. It is not easy.

We felt with my mother "no way, we are a family that will never put her in assisted living" She is in 4th stage Alzheimer's or last stage. Well, we put her in 3 years ago, because yes she fought us tooth and nail at the beginning, but this became her city, a large city with all of these elevators to go up etc.

when I think of did I do the right thing, there is only 1,000 ways to do it, and your heart, soul, and talking with many people, will assist in that. Do not isolate yourself, and make sure you are not doing this alone. I do not state this to scare you, but it is a very hard disease and any one of us, in the middle of the night whenever will type to you etc.
Good luck to you. :-}
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My husband has recently been diagnosed with vascular dementia, over a month. Prior to this, I was ready to let go, listed the house and just waited to file divorse becuase there was so much fighting, and agression from his side. Later I know that he has a vascular dementia due to micro strokes. I now learn how to go with the flow, not to argue even when I know things are not true or real. My make issue is that he's is so delutional and have problem sleeping. He is so fixated on the women on line and he thinks that they're around the house. Sometimes he goes up and down the house looking for her/them. His sleeping pattern is getting worse (sleeps around 2 am, to 4 am and today at 10am the following day). I have sleepless nights too checking on him when he goes out of the house. Does anybody have experience this kind of issue and how to deal with him? His meds doesn't seems to work lately (he is fighting his sleepiness). Help!
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Dementia is so tricky. They can be normal one moment and so not normal the next. And neither moment is predictable. It's the unpredictability that makes some sort of "minder" so critical. My dad was normal one minute and then wanting to slice up a table the next, and it made perfect sense to him. He couldn't have damaged the table much but really have hurt himself, even as weak as he was.

My dad is In his final days. The turn came fast. He has lived with us for ten months and we've had 12 hour a day care for the last six weeks. I am exhausted from nights of listening for the next unpredictable thung. Iwish I'd gotten help so much earlier. And I wish we had Insisted onAL instead of saying, "sure, live here." but I kept looking for the proof that he was "normal," rather than understanding how every moment was a gamble.
No easy answer. But know that whatever THIS moment feels like, it's no predictor of the next moment. AL 24 hours, of some sort, in your home or not, is the best defense against unpredictability. Good luck!
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Thanks for your reply; however, what I'm basing this decision on is the fact that the doctor is concerned with him being home and the social worker and therapists in two different facilities stated he should not ever be alone, they "strongly recommend" assisted living. They continue to tell me if he comes home that I will get sick from all of the physical and mental stress. The doctor also states that he can no longer handle any financial or legal matters and he absolutely can not drive. What's making me question this is the fact that he seems somewhat "normal" at times.
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My mom has dementia and is 82yrs old and able to live on her own. We do see her often and check the house but seems to be fine to live alone. Just every situation is different. there are people that live alone with dementia, if you think there able to. So I would not necessary put a person in assisted living unless unable to function at home. I understand your delema.
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You are doing the best you can, and it sounds like you are doing it diligently with intelligence, love and grace.

If it makes you feel any better, imagine how he would handle this if you had dementia. Would he be in denial or would he take control and make the best decisions he could using the best medical advice he could get?

It is so hard to be the one to make these decisions, and you are stepping up and doing it. If you can, perhaps it would be helpful to explain to these difficult family members that you understand their fears and grief, but that you are his wife, it is your decision to make, and you need their respect, love and support. In time they may grow to recognize your courage and integrity, and acknowledge that you are doing the most loving thing to insure he receives the best possible care.
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I don't think he knows there's anything wrong mentally; if so, he covers it very well. He thinks he's going to assisted living, will have physical therapy and go home. I've been advised by the social worker to not discuss this in depth at this time, to give him time to adjust to the environment..........I don't know what to do. He's off and on. Sometimes he seems very alert, other times he's way off on this thinking. I'm just bewildered, even though the decision has been made, I'm still struggling, and having some family members convinced that he will get better and should go home is so frustrating, when I've been told by the professionals experienced with dementia that this is the best he will be, it will progress and it will get worse, not better. These family members refuse to believe me, think I'm insane, pessimistic when all I'm doing is relaying the msg. regarding this cruel disease. This just adds to my guilt and causes me to doubt this decision which was not made lightly.
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So difficult.

If he's almost normal, is this something you can discuss with him? Does he understand that he is impaired? What would he like to do?
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