Selling the house or being totally used. Any advice?

Follow
Share

I have spent 10 1/2 months on my days off sorting through my parents belongings, to eventually put the home up for sale. My mother was a horrendous hoarder and tossed almost nothing away. I have found lids off of cans she kept. Cotton from pill bottles, dirty bandages and the list goes on. I managed to get complete POA over both parents finances because my mother spent her entire pension checks on Avon products she would never use. I have thrown out thousands of dollars in expired Avon. I would like to strangle the rep for taking advantage of her, but she knowingly bought all this stuff. If she would have put this wasted money in the bank she would be set up quite nicely. My husband has helped when he could, but he is a contractor and can't offer as much help as I needed. I have been managing their finances for well over a year, working full time and caring for my own family as well. Not to mention a 4 hour return trip to their home and back. My parents are now in a care facility. Thank God !!!!! But the neediness has not stopped.

My husband and I have worked ourselves half to death to try to get the home ready for showing and sale. My dad is acting like some idiot that has just won the lottery and buying drinks for the whole bar. His property is worth quite a bit and he has a list of benefactors that have done nothing for him over many years including his useless brother. But he feels they should all be showered with his new wealth. He has thrown me to the wolves again over getting "HIS" house ready. I am an only child and just turned 59 yrs. old. I'm exhausted and worn out both emotionally and physically. My husband and I threw away 4000 lbs. of junk from their house and filled a 20/6/9 dumpster. My dad has accused me of mismanaging his bank account. He has no money to mismanage, only his pension checks are in his account. I have to keep very close tabs on what comes out of his account, seeing he still has expenses from the house until it's sold.

He has no interest in even trying to take any responsibility for any of his finances to keep his mind active and he could. He just wants to sit, veg out and read stamp magazines and b**ch about how he was last to be taken down to breakfast.

Growing up I was the recipient of many beatings with his belt because he has a wicked temper and my mother did nothing to stop him. To this day I have never forgotten his brutal discipline tactics. I have been caring for their every need for 23 years now and spent thousands on gas from travelling to and fro. Not to mention shuffling work schedules to accommodate their constant needs. They had home support as well for 8 years because their needs far exceeded what I was able to do and hold down a job and look after my own stuff at the same time.
Many times I have said to my husband I wanted them both to pass on so I would be free of their constant needy, thankless crap. My close friend who is in the same boat referred to it as "Being a parent to a spoiled, terminally ill child".

Thanks,
Anksana

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
12

Answers

Show:
Really shakingdustoff? 12 yrs to clean out a townhouse? Good thing no one was relying on you for that clean up. Anksana's parents were hoarders. Have you seen what those homes look like? Why don't you lighten up a little.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Dear Shakingdustoff,
The care giving is still going on but in a different way. 10 1/2 months was a huge deal for me and may seem very trivial to others. Their home is a 4 bedroom, 3 story house with a full basement and attic. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't hate my dad. I just wished he would have planned things better. The $ from the sale of the home WILL go into the bank for their continuing care. End of story......
Thanks,
Anksana
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes. Why does your uncle's being of no help - and btw did you mean to imply that it's your dad's money that's funding the fun at Vegas? - equate to all of this being your job?

To repeat: no one can force you to act as POA. If it's too much, resign.

Or, I agree, just promise yourself rewards to come - a bottle of Scotch sounds like a good start - as long as you remember that you are not obliged to carry all this.

Also, to go back to your question then, who do you think is using you? If it's a rant, fair enough - everyone needs to chuck their toys out of the pram somewhere safe from time to time. But in there there is a grain of something else: namely, that you resent the prospect of your father lavishing his capital on the fun guys, like his brother and his new best friends, when you would believe it ought by rights to stay safely in the bank and, in the fullness of time, become your compensation for everything you've had to put up with.

I know this sounds like I'm blaming you. I'm not blaming you. You're doing all the work; I'm sure you are doing it well; and 'what's in it for me?' is a perfectly fair, rational question. For your own sake, though, just think through what you're feeling or you could end up unequivocally hating your dad; and that will do you no good.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

When this is all over, I plan to drown myself in a very good bottle of Scotch. I can't walk away because my dads only living brother is far to busy coming and going from Vegas to be of any help at all.
Luv to all,
Anksana
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Anksana,
Years ago when mom discussed with me giving me the task of becoming my parents POA should they need it, I didn't latch on to the word Task. She was a savvy woman, I'm sure that word was used on purpose. She trusted me completely to keep their welfare, needs and wishes foremost. Many times that became extremely difficult, you do the best you can.
It sounds like that is Exactly what your doing, good job!

Shakingdustoff Count me as a sinner also!! Many many times I prayed mom would pass on so she would no longer have to endure the H*ll which she was living in. I suppose she must be considered a sinner too....according to you. She also didn't want to exist not having control of her life. Thankfully she stated as much in her Living Will.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I do the best I can under the circumstances. Allow me to clarify. I was "given" POA to manage their finances. I deal with nursing home staff, reading the home for sale, dealt with home support thieves, etc. I have been commended by bank staff on the good job I am doing keeping track of everything coming and going out of the accounts. Also making sure they are comfortable and cared for.
Thanks,
Anksana
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Once you sell the house, put that money into an account and apply it towards the cost of care for your parents in the facility they reside at. You can then resign as their POA and walk away from the whole mess.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Anksana, I don't want to sound brutal but you need to straighten out your understanding of POA.

1. You don't "manage to get" POA. Power of Attorney is GIVEN by one person to another, trusted individual to use in the event of the person's becoming incapable of managing his own affairs.

2. Until the person is incapable, you don't do anything with your POA.

3. Once the person is incapable, as POA you then assume all responsibility for managing the person's finances, medical or lifestyle decisions, or whatever is specified in the legal documentation.

4. As POA, you have a duty to carry out your parents' wishes as far as possible, and as far as practical. But you have a duty to protect your parents' best interests, which is paramount. So, in the case of your father's casting his wealth to the four winds, it is your duty to prevent that once it reaches a point where he is jeopardising his and your mother's welfare.

Now. It sounds as though up to now you have been acting not in your capacity as POA, but in your capacity as dogsbody and whipping boy. Do you have a formal POA document for both of them, specifying terms and conditions? If so, you need to set about putting it into motion, which would involve having your father's incompetence officially declared. I'm guessing you haven't got to that part of the fun yet? Because if you have, I'm at a loss to understand how your father is continuing to spend money without your agreement.

[Minor point, but when you're talking to lawyers it might matter: don't confuse benefactor and beneficiary. Your father has a list of beneficiaries. Regrettably, these people have not been his benefactors by the sound of it.]

I'm sorry that this is all so pedantic, and I realise too that you might know all of it already: in which case apologies. But the thing is that you sound so stressed and angry that in the end I wonder whether the POA responsibility is a good thing for you to have. You do have the option of resigning it and walking away, you know; and now that your parents are both in a facility you won't have to be anxious about any risk to your mother. As for what then happens to their money? Well, the beauty of it is that, if you can walk away and forget about it, it won't be your problem.

Oh boy! - do I get how you must feel about the hoarding and (aaaaarrrrrggggghh!) the beauty products. Snap. I wanted to strangle my mother. When we moved in together her removal van was a tonne overweight and got stopped at a weigh bridge and the driver fined. She couldn't stop buying, piddling away the money on stuff that she liked but didn't need and often couldn't use. But you know instead of being angry, be sad for her. The Avon lady was her friend. Buying products from her was a pleasure for your mother; and I wonder if it's also important that it was a secret pleasure, one that your father would never have wanted to investigate. It's about passive rebellion, and nurturing a bit of self-love. I still feel angry that my mother couldn't be stronger, more assertive, more rational; but I don't blame her any more. It wasn't her fault.

And my dad, though he was sometimes frightening and had an incredibly short temper, was never physically violent that I know of. Yours hurt you intentionally. His intentions may have been rooted in the good intention of bringing you up right - spare the rod, spoil the child - but the fact is that his behaviour was very wrong, and you have every right to be angry.

Ok. So here is the big question. Why can't you walk away?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The only thing worse than spending a week with 10 family members sorting thru 50 years of stuff was Mom telling everyone we made her sell the house and now she was a nomad (living with us). You might look into a personal finance software program so you can enter his bills, deposits and pull up info in categories. You can keep track of every dime. About him wanting to give money to relatives, assisted living for two can get pricey fast. Not to mention if either needs Medicaid, this kind of gift can create issues later.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

BINGO !!!!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.