Selling Mom’s home. Any advice?

I thought of something that I know will now guide  me in disposing of furniture from my parents' house:   it served us well as a family, then when my parents lived there and we kids had moved out, then when Mom and Dad were older, and lastly, during Dad's last years and days in the house.    He and Mom had their favorite chairs, and there were other items that meant or represented some aspect of our lives.

They served us well; they're still in good condition, and now they can be passed on through charities to serve others.   I feel good about that approach.

That hopefully would apply to the toboggan I discovered, assuming after I check it out that it's still in good condition.   Hopefully people still use them (but certainly not while they're texting.)

Dealing with the emotional side of letting go of the house - on one of the home fix-it shows I always remember a kind host saying to someone who really, really wanted to keep a giant piece of furniture that literally would not fit in the house "Are you afraid you'll forget your grandmother without this piece? You know she wouldn't want you to stress over this. You will never forget her." We all need to learn that it's not the stuff, or the house that we need but we do love the memories. So, take some good pictures of the house, have the best one enlarged, frame it nicely and hang it on your wall. It will give you the same memories without the problems of holding onto a unneeded house.

I had to clean out my parents home full of not only their stuff, but my grandmothers stuff and my aunts stuff. I saved a couple of special things - a special paperweight. My daughter took a ceramic horse and a cast-iron children's toy stove that we had all played with. My son took my fathers wooden Navy locker. We see these items every day. They are not locked in a closet or a storage shed. And even without them we will never forget the people.

I don't know the intricacies of Medicaid and home sales but I do know that a house that is vacant deteriorates rapidly and is hard to insure. And managing a rental home on top of dealing with a mother who has care needs would be tons of work, so I'd suggest selling it. One way or another the money from the home will be used for her care - either paying it out after the sale or repaying Medicaid after her death. If you sell the house and use her money to pay for her care you have more options for where she will live and to ability for her to continue to pay for little luxuries. If she is on Medicaid she will be restricted to their rules on spending money and must be in a Medicaid bed. In my friend's situation when she could afford her own care she had a private room, but when she had to move to Medicaid she had to share a room. I don't know your mom's financial situation but that's something to consider.

WestSign, one thing I can attest to is the challenge of making decisions, when there so many factors to consider.    I found myself in that position often, but never as much until after my father died.

What I would do if I did it over again is only focus on 2 issues at a time, eliminating one, waiting some time (days?), then addressing another issue.  Then neither you or your mom are overwhelmed, although that's not to say that it still won't be a challenging process.

Another option is to prepare a scenario for selling, and explain to her your plan, one issue at a time.   Then it doesn't become as overwhelming.   And preface and follow discussions with relaxing time, special music, special meal, that sort of thing.

Does anyone have POA For your mom?

I was in a similar situation with my folks not long ago as the only surviving son. They had gone into assisted living, it was clear they could never go home. I began the process of cleaning out the house to sell it. I had to have the funds to pay for their care.

Dad had moderate dementia and mom had mild dementia but neither had any executive reasoning ability. I decided the sale had to be done and there was nothing to be gained by trying to explain it to them or get their approval. Dad hardly knew where he was and mom thought she was going home some day when she got better. She was a two person assist at this point.

I had a POA that gave me broad financial power but as I got into the process with the realtor we found that I needed an original signed copy which I could not find so I had to go through the guardianship Conservatorship process. Mom and dad were visited by a court appointed GAL who spent about five minutes with them and saw there was no way these folks could tend to their own affairs.

I ended up selling the house and land on an AS IS basis and used that money to care for them for the next 3 years. And it took LOTS of money. About $100k per year.

They are both gone now. I’m doing dads probate now. There’s a little bit of funds left for me to execute the will. But that’s ok. I spent most of it on good care for them in nice places. No regrets.

Good luck with your mom.

This is such a hard thing to do. Sounds like mom is not aware that coming 'home' really isn't going to be an option.

When we sold our 'family home' b/c mom and dad had to downsize and an unscrupulous OB got them to refinance the house and give him all of the money--they couldn't even pay the taxes. Of course OB was gone in the wind once we found out what he'd done--and of course he lost all that money....there was no choice. Sell or lose it. It was horrible.

For me, the house is still the home of my childhood, memories, both good and bad associated with it are still there. Selling it didn't change the fact we had lived and loved in this lovely home that daddy built.

Mom was only 64 when the move happened and it broke her heart. That's very young to be having to move and make that huge change. Yes, it IS hard, so let yourself grieve and then move on.

If she is not completely with it--I wouldn't tell her much. It will probably just upset her. Just recently mom asked me whatever happened to the big meat slicer. WTH? I guess it wound up going to goodwill, IDK.

Be kind to her and to yourself as you process all this. There will be emotions and probably tears and that's OK.

And, don't even TRY to store/save all the things that spark reminiscences. You'll wind up with a storage unit full of 'stuff'.

I think that with the confusion you will not be able to count on Mom's input. If she has diagnosed dementia, and you have a strong POA, you should be able to sell. I would caution you to spend first an hour of time with a good Elder Law Attorney. Selling the home and having this cash in her assets will mean that Mom cannot apply for any medicaid until she has spent down her cash. That is fine and one way to go, but your Mom could get medicaid and KEEP the house (Medicaid would recover its costs with sale of house after her death).
You could also rent out the home, but that would mean you have a lot more work and record keeping, and again, this is income that is part of your Mom's assets.
There are many on Forum who are more up to date on the legalities of all this, but I would simply tell you to see a lawyer re your POA, record keeping and choices.
Homes that are empty more than one year are often difficult not only to keep up, but to get insured. Amazing how quickly a home not lived in can deteriorate. Sounds as though you have a lot of decisions to be responsible for, and the consequent record keeping. Get some help now.