Is it selfish to want some time alone with my husband?

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I am full-time caregiver to my father in law. We have a very good relationship but at 88 he gets insecure when I leave him. I feel so torn apart because I love him so much.

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deltaborn: You're mother hasn't aged forward. She still thinks of you as children.
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It's not selfish at all. My mother has always tried her best to make me and my siblings feel guilty if we wanted to spend time together without inviting her and she evens tries to make me feel guilty if I want to visit with my grown children without her. She seems to think that if any of us are going anywhere we must bring her along or there's hell to pay. We are all grown and we still "sneak" around to visit one another so she won't find out and pitch her guilt fits. I know, we're all adults and we shouldn't cater to her crap...but sometimes it's easier to just keep it to ourselves than to deal with her machinations. I can emphasize with you.
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It is not selfish at all. IT IS ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY for survival of your mind!
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My husband and I are taking care of my 91 year old father in law since November of last year. He had a stroke . Around May of this year, I texted my husband's 3 sisters and told them that we need a break. My husband quit his job to take care of his dad. He does get paid from his dad but only for 40 hours a week. I asked them to please take him on the weekends so that my husband and I had some alone time. My husband backed me up. He was getting stressed so we was fighting a lot. I am so grateful that my sister in laws stepped up. It has helped tremendously. I think that aybe he needs a break from us too. We did ask him to come out to the farm where we live so that we can take care of lawnmowering, etc for the summer. He used to live here before he built the house in town. He has a nice house in a small town. In about a month, we will move back into his house in town. I think that it has worked well for all of us. It is better that a nursing home because he is able to take care of his personal needs yet. I worked in nursing homes so I know that there is nothing wrong with most of them so I am not knocking the nursing homes. There is definitely a place for them. You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him.
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Hindsight is 20-20 they say but what is actually more selfish is to condition a person that YOU will be there 24/7 ( unless it's a young child and even then it's inappropriate after a certain stage). It's best to BEGIN with reasonable expectations and boundaries. Now that he (and you) have grown so dependent it's harder for both of you to be away from one another. BUT so necessary, again for both of you. When you are treating his anxiety, don't forget to treat your own. Even if you just start with a walk everyday, it will help with your anxiety. He needs exercise too. Shift your focus. Gain perspective. You have to disassociate to a degree to provide the best care. And it's never right to care for one person to the exclusion of other family members. You will be surprised how quick you can turn this around if you set your intention and take action.
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Get him meds for his agitation and anxiety. All the reassurance in the world didn't help my mom.
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If you don't get some breaks, you will crack and end up in a stress center. You have to take a breather. You also need time with your husband and a friend or two. My husband and I just went out for our 16th anniversary. Our daughter took care of her grandmother when we were out. You must do this for your mental and physical health.
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Not one iota selfish to want to have time alone with your husband! I too was/am caregiver for FIL, except mine does not like me , lol. My husband and I have sacrificed ALL of our time for him for 6 years. We only went out 1 hour a week to grab a burger together each week. FIL just got moved to NH and put on hospice only because my husband has cancer. Yup, the time we would have had to enjoy each other alone was wasted on an ungrateful person. It would take me pages to express how angry I now ! Make time for your husband often, enjoy that time, call in a sitter or another family member. Go on vacation, do it now! Trust me on this! You will not regret it.
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Selfish...is someone who thinks his needs r more important than others "all the time". Its not selfish if u have done for someone and feel u need some time to yourself. I don't think any of us are made to be with the same people 24/7. Married couples even need their own space. We all need time just to do nothing. Elderly r like children, self centered. And like children they need boundries. Me personally, I can't take it when someone gets needy and expects me to be there when they want me to be.
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Not at all. If anything, you need this time with your spouse in order not to burn out. Caregiving has been the most difficult thing I ever did and absolutely, the two of you get some together time. Try your best to put Dad out of your mind. Tell him calmly this is date night, that you love him with all your heart, but that you need this time with the terrific son he raised, and that you will be back before he knows it.
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