I was in a pickle with my own life when my best friend from childhood, who is like a sister to me, asked me to come stay with her and help with her mom (who, for several years, was a better mom to me than my own) who has Alzheimer's. After discussing the care taking schedule between her boyfriend, her and myself, I agreed. We also agreed that I would be able to use her car in the morning to work, I would get room and board and a small bit of cash. After I moved in, the boyfriend got really ugly with me. I told my friend I would rather live on the street than be treated like that. She asked him to leave (he was not good for mom anyhow ~ looked at her like a science experiment) and he moved out a few weeks later. His leaving left my day off to one, Saturday. Due to doc appointments, and other scheduling conflicts, I am not able to get a job in the morning even if I could find one (we live in the middle of nowhere) as I no longer have reliable transportation. Since January 3, 2012, I have had 4 full days off. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no life. I try to do my art work, but it is difficult to focus when I am responsible for someone who is clinically depressed, has dementia and requires 24/7 care. My friends comments, on a regular basis is: "My first priorities are my sobriety and mom", which I understand.
Now, I am feeling so incredibly guilty because I do have burnout and it has not even been 3 months! I can't do this 5.5 days a week, 24 hours a day (I do get a bit of a break on Fridays). My friend has had the flu for the last several days because the boyfriend came by when he was sick and shared his germs (JERK!). I just want to scream! My sanity and joy are diminishing at a rapid pace and I am afraid I may never come back from it. I still suffer from "chemo-brain" from "terminal" cancer I had a decade ago. I have since been offered a live-in caretaker position in another state that includes a small monthly allowance on top of the r/b and it does not require 24/7 care.
I don't want to be a caretaker anymore. I have come to realize how terribly depressed "mom" has always been, my sister, too. I am so exasperated! My "sister" can't afford to hire someone for mom (she is already dipping into her savings). I am in my mid 40's. I am afraid I will be here for another several months and never be able to leave with any sanity left. Am I selfish if I leave? I feel so incredibly trapped. I AM grateful for her taking me in when I needed a place to stay, but I don't think I can pay this price.
Any advice?
I think the advice you are getting about getting together with your friend to find the next solution is spot on. As dangerous as that talk may sound to you, it is more dangerous to not change anything, or to split the scene and run. Good luck to you!
But don't leave your sister/friend high and dry. This isn't her fault either and she really needs your support right now. I think the best way to help her is to get on the Internet, get on the phone, and research what is available for her mom. She is not responsible for her mother's financial well-being. There are programs to help low-income elders. Medicaid comes to mind immediately, and there are other state and county programs that can at least ensure your friend doesn't drown in debt on her mother's behalf. One way to start your research is to contact the Social Services department in your county. Ask for an assessment of "Mom's" situation. Another avenue to go down is the Alzehiemer's Association in your state. They know lots about community resources.
Some people think that financial assistance for the elderly is only available if they are in long term care facilities. That is not true. There are programs specifically for keeping elders in the community, and Medicaid will transition from home care to institutional care if that becomes necessary. I think it would be a great service to help your friend find out about these things.
And while you are in research mode, look into what you can do to get on your own feet and live independently. You deserve it.