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I was in a pickle with my own life when my best friend from childhood, who is like a sister to me, asked me to come stay with her and help with her mom (who, for several years, was a better mom to me than my own) who has Alzheimer's. After discussing the care taking schedule between her boyfriend, her and myself, I agreed. We also agreed that I would be able to use her car in the morning to work, I would get room and board and a small bit of cash. After I moved in, the boyfriend got really ugly with me. I told my friend I would rather live on the street than be treated like that. She asked him to leave (he was not good for mom anyhow ~ looked at her like a science experiment) and he moved out a few weeks later. His leaving left my day off to one, Saturday. Due to doc appointments, and other scheduling conflicts, I am not able to get a job in the morning even if I could find one (we live in the middle of nowhere) as I no longer have reliable transportation. Since January 3, 2012, I have had 4 full days off. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no life. I try to do my art work, but it is difficult to focus when I am responsible for someone who is clinically depressed, has dementia and requires 24/7 care. My friends comments, on a regular basis is: "My first priorities are my sobriety and mom", which I understand.

Now, I am feeling so incredibly guilty because I do have burnout and it has not even been 3 months! I can't do this 5.5 days a week, 24 hours a day (I do get a bit of a break on Fridays). My friend has had the flu for the last several days because the boyfriend came by when he was sick and shared his germs (JERK!). I just want to scream! My sanity and joy are diminishing at a rapid pace and I am afraid I may never come back from it. I still suffer from "chemo-brain" from "terminal" cancer I had a decade ago. I have since been offered a live-in caretaker position in another state that includes a small monthly allowance on top of the r/b and it does not require 24/7 care.

I don't want to be a caretaker anymore. I have come to realize how terribly depressed "mom" has always been, my sister, too. I am so exasperated! My "sister" can't afford to hire someone for mom (she is already dipping into her savings). I am in my mid 40's. I am afraid I will be here for another several months and never be able to leave with any sanity left. Am I selfish if I leave? I feel so incredibly trapped. I AM grateful for her taking me in when I needed a place to stay, but I don't think I can pay this price.

Any advice?

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Sabine: so happy for you. I'm having a rotten day and i don't blame you at all. lesson learned!
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I get so tired of people who think that everyone else is just like themselves. Situations are similar but not exact. Sabine, do not let others judge you because of what they have done. Caregiving is not for everyone. Being able to admit that is admirable. Why force someone to caregive who has admitted it is not for them. I have found that we are all individual and our ability to take care of an elderly person is difficult to say the least. If I were you, I would talk with your friend/sister because you don't want to lose the friendship. Tell her you need to back away but will be there for her emotionally. Between the two of you, you should be able to find alternative solutions that benefit both of you.♥!!
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Good for you Sabine. I know all this was VERY difficult for you and her. You are doing what is good for you and she will be OK too.

This happened to me whereas a friend of mine stayed with me/mom for 3 months and she went nuts!! Being that it was my mom there was no quitting for me -- and I met a great gal across the street that would watch my mom, my sister began coming down every 2 weeks (just company!!!) bla bla -- it actually worked out better!
Here's to you - kiddo -- 'RAISE YOUR GLASS' as Pink would say!!

You did the right thing. Sometimes when all involved can't express themselves properly it's easier to just allow the frustration inside of us to handle it - doesn't typically come out in a good way.. ... This too shall pass.
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Jane ~ I can relate to not wanting to come home! My life is a little bittersweet right now. My "sister" and I got in a HUGE fight last week, she said some pretty ugly things (sadly, I responded in a not so nice way), which were the proverbial straws. I had given her 6 weeks notice that I was leaving to allow her some time to find someone to come in and take care of mom. After the fight, I changed it to one week. Sister hired someone to come in for a few hours for 2 days ~ it cost her a pretty penny. I am looking forward to getting out of here, but I will miss my friend, though we don't really see one another as it is. I will also miss mom, but I will call and write both of them. It is hard to contain my excitement. One of the things I have learned from this journey is this: I am sure it is probably easier to be a caretaker for someone who is not related.

I am really looking forward to being around happy people. I am looking forward to being able to focus on me! To doing what I want to do, on my schedule! All of you on here who are going through hell, please, PLEASE find a way to get someone to come in and help you AT LEAST once a week. I had a true nights rest for the first time in eons last week when the paid caretaker was here.

Many blessings and HUGS to you ALL! Thank you for your support.
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I just had a week away from taking care of my Dad in my home -- brought in paid caregivers for many extra hours of the day -- and for the first time in my memory, I did not want to come home. I'm always happy to come home, but not this time because I knew it would smell like him, sound like him and feel like him. It feels like physical pain, today, just having him here. I have thought so much about all the people who are in similar and worse situations, and especially you, Sabine. I'd love to know how you are doing and how things have moved forward.
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I would encourage you not to live under the weight of guilt when you've obviously done your best so far. I care for my Dad and find myself often with the passing feeling that I'm not going to make it. However, I go to the Lord for extra strength, and-fortunately-have found renewal! It seems to me that your dedication to your friends has been extraordinary already. Not just everybody could enter into a caregiving arrangement for someone other than family, especially not 24/7. I think when the time comes that I can't sleep at night, I'll have to throw in the towel!! You won't be much help to your friends anyway if you "short circuit" yourself.
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Sabine: How are things going. Give us an update when you can. Blessings to you, Cattails.
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Medicaid is not an option at this moment as there is something going on with moms house. Who knows when it will be sold. It hasn't even been put on the market yet ~ without going into it, let's just say it is a family situation and beyond ridiculous. In theory there is a conference call re: the house this Friday.

The saddest part is the clarity mom has had today. Sadly, the situation is so on my nerves, I struggle to focus. Emotionally I have pretty much shut down. That is sad for so many reasons.

Again, thank you all so very much for your support and hugs.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you ALL!!!!
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Make the choices that are best for you. I learned the hard way that your health can be affected in caregiving situations. Please put yourself first. I had a ministroke from stress. You are still young! You can love and care for someone to the extent that you forget about your own wellbeing. If you don't want to do it anymore, don't feel guilty! You are not a machine!! God bless you dear.
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Sabine, being a caretaker is a very demanding job. Has your friend looked into Hospice care? I know it has been a God send for me. they bathe Mom and a Nurse checks her weekly. I work full time and Hubby stays with Mom while I am at work. So I take over in the evenings and weekends. I've been caring for Mom
for over 7 years now. We have no life. I'm a young 60; but you are only 40. I know you will probably feel like you are abandoning your friend, but you need to take care of you also. Talk to your friend and try and transition out of there. Good luck, prayers are being sent your way. Hopefully you will make the right decision for you. Blessings.
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Sabine, I am so happy that you got a chance to get out of the house for a little while. I overlooked the part that you are taking Chemo and that is enough to take a lot out of a person, much less being a care taker too. I am glad you got a chance to talk to them about making plans. You can only do so much and you need to take time to care for yourself. I hope the chemo don't wipe you out too much. When I was on dialysis it would wipe me out but, the next day I would be fine. It was like a roller coaster ride. I have also taking chemo-shots for my lupus sle and I know how it can make you feel very sick. I really don't see how you are able to take care of someone else and yourself too. You have let them know and you are under no obligation to continue to help anymore. Take care of yourself.
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Let's not emphasize the negative - Sabine, you are so sweet and forgiving - I have no doubt that you will make the 'right' decision. Since you are primarily 'lead' by your heart listen to your head now and again. And as for EJ's statement - it reminds me of another thread where everyone chimed in (B-out) when one of "US" was just having a bad day - and this site brought them back into 'check'.

Are reasons for connecting on this site is to be who we are in the moment and know - at some point we will make it through the rain. xoxox to all.
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I am appalled at the judgmental comments toward Sabine who is a cancer survivor. My SIL has been a cancer survivor from uterine cancer since 2001 and she does not have the energy to care for anyone else full time for any amount of time. So, no, Sabine, you are not selfish. Take care of yourself and the health that you have. You have been through enough.
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Ok, I am sorry, was bad day for me and yes I am burned out and also going through menopause so life is really stessful right now, my mom was just diagnosed with dementia and before that has many diseasses, I have to care for her 24 hours a day, sometimes I don't come off right in what I say and am sorry for that, I have good bedside manners as this is my mom, I am doing the best I can with a bad situation, please accept my apolgies and will keep you in my prayers, hugs
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I think resentment can lead to real anger and even abuse at times. When I was working in patient care I thought people who rejected being a caretaker were heartless. Now I know better! The worse part is that oftentimes it's thankless. I continue to care for my.mom, but only because I am an only child. More like lonely child ! Hang on!
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Sabine: First, welcome and second, you should feel free to leave but I would first have a talk with my friend to see if y'all can get her some help if that is possible but, don't hold yourself to feeling guilty if you cannot get her anyone. Third, how come your friend hasn't went to see if her mom is eligible for medicade or is she already receiving it? I would think that medicade would help pay for someone to come out if she is neededing someone to help assist with her mom for AZ like bathing and such.
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Sabien I am glad you were able to talk to her some-setting boundaries is very good-when I did that with my husband-each time got easier and I got stronger which helped me to continue to let him know I did not deserve to be treated that way. You have takes good steps to take care of you.
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I agree that you have given it your best shot. Time to move on. Maybe you could try to help your friend get someone else to replace you, but from my stand point it is time to move on. For the posters that are not supportive, shame on you. This is a support network, not a free for all. I am seeing way too much of the non supportive talk on this site.
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To all of you ~ I tried to go to all of your profiles and thank you individually...I got sidetracked and not sure where I left off. My brain is out to lunch right now and it is not working so well. Peace.
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Thank you all for your comments, even the negative ones. Caregiving is not an easy task, no matter the relation to the patient. "Mom" went to a senior center for a few hours today so FS (friend/sister) and I could have lunch and get me out of the house. We did talk some, but there is more to do. I feel a bit better about the situation and we discussed boundaries. I love my friend and her mom, very much. I would never leave her high and dry. I do know I won't do this forever, or even half that long. We are working on a plan.
Big Hugs to all of you!
p.s. a special note to ej: I am still reeling from the affects of chemo for my "terminal" cancer. I am sorry you are having a tough time and hope you find something that brings you joy every day. Please don't judge me, or anyone, so harshly ~ you haven't walked in my shoes. EXTRA HUGS to you.
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Sabine, you have already done a great job! I part take in my mom's caregiving, although I do not live in her home. Don't ever let anyone, not even on this forum tell you that you are selfish, as this person not being your relative, you've really put yourself out there, and as Austin195 said, the work load changed once the boyfriend moved out. My sister lives w/mom-ALZ also, but she has about four paid caregivers. Even so, my sister stresses too when she's in charge of our mother. Anyway, don't allow other people's bitter attitudes to make you feel guilty, because it serves no purpose to YOU, nor your current situation. I send you hugs! Margeaux
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I think you need to talk to your friend, and be honest about your feelings. Your heart is in the right place but we can't always please everyone and sometimes we find our limitations through experience. Two heads may be better than one - using some of the great suggestions above. Plus this may alleviate some confusion for you to make a decision for yourself.
You might also call a local mobile physician. Medicare typically pays for this. The doctor then may suggest hospice to help out. I learned hospice organization is to help when they see help is needed, not just because the elder will soon pass over. This was my experience.

Good Luck - Another thing you might try is both of you do 24 hours on - and 24 hours off. You take her for a full day and all night - usually they sleep and so do you but it's still your shift. Then your friend takes her the next day and that evening. This way one can rest, do errands, fun stuff etc.
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Get out as soon as you can, and don't look back. Live your life, not someone else's. You are not permanently indebted to her, no matter how close. And she cannot possibly know what she would do in your shoes...no matter what she says. Good luck...but leave!
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I was on the way out the door when I stopped to check my e-mail and saw your question, Sabine. Yes, you are selfish, but so are we all to a certain extent. If you don't take care of yourself, who is going to do it for you????? Being selfish is an art that I had to develop....have not perfected it yet, but certainly am trying. From one care giver to another...splurge on you as often as you can and walk away without guilt when you have to...for your own good mental and physical health.
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((((((Sabine))))) The short answer is that you are not selfish if you leave. You are caring for self. There is a big difference. I agree with the others who are urging you to make some changes.
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You tried and the situation changed instead of 33% care you are doing 95% and that is not fair-you do not deserve to be treated take that other and get away ASAP-you did 3 months she owes you big time f not in money in gratitude.
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In most cases hospice only comes in if the person is terminal and in the last 6 months... Home care can be paid by medicare in some cases( like any other government thing lots of regulation). It might be worth trying... Sabrine don't feel quilty if you can't you can't! I cared for my Grandmother the last few months of her life, she lived with us(husband and two sons) I loved her she wanted to be with us. However she had other granddaughters and a son. What I am saying is in this life you do what you can... There is help available. If her she is in the later stages, of Alzheimer's disease she may qualify for hospice. take care and please don't beat yourself up!
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Whow there ejbunicom.... I think you "lack" in tactfullness, what you "have" in caregiving! Shall we put a bright shines diamond in your crown of gold? Sabine was helping "friends, like family". She owes them nothing. She has given of herself to the best of her ability, she has sacrificed and is knowing when to say when. This does not make her selfish and should not make guilt ridden. I would think that the friend should thank her from the bottom of her heart and wish only the best for a future. If there is a way to contain the friendship and decide a better arrangement for all involved then God bless them!
Ej... I sure hope you have a better "bedside" manner then you have shown this at odds caregiver Sabine!
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Sabine and Ej, what about Hospice? I am caregiver to my husband and our doctor called in Hospice about a month ago. No, he is not going to die soon but this can go on for years and Hospice will be here - paid for by Medicare. Once a week, they come and bathe him. Every other week, they do massages. Once a week, the nurse comes. It isn't full time yet and possibly won't be for ages but it is a help that is cost free to us. I am not sure but perhaps Medicaid covers it too.

If there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is I must take care of me so I can care for him. An hour to myself does help.
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Don't feel gility, cause the word ""CARE" is a gift from ""GOD" no gilt or shame.. every one do not recieve that gilft,however , it's ok !!! It do not mean u don't love them,, it just means u don't have it in you... Some people r caregivers and heartless, some care for money and some care just to tell others what they did ""THIS TO ME IS SELFISH"..You can not please people Just try to please """GOD"" cause he knows yur heart and your concerns.;.also, every one can't do what u do best and every one cannot be a "NURSE' it is a calling from ""GOD" ....Sis Jackie ps If you really want that gift, you can pray for it and I know ""GOD" will grant it to you,
, R just be Blessed.
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