Am I selfish for thinking a nursing home with rehab is the best option for my father and not taking care of him myself?

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Im 25 and have been taking care of my dad for about two years now, I started taking care of him after he had a stroke and his left side was very affected, he stopped taking his medication for several different things. Here just recently he fell and broke his hip on the left side and had a hip replacement then during that they found he had abdominal aortic aneurysm and they said it's probably because he quit taking his meds( had a triple bypass 15 years ago as well) it was hard for him to get around much before and now he needs 24/7 care. As much as I want to I can't quit my job and take care of him. People have told me a nursing home that provides rehab may be the best option for him, it hurts me so much to even think about doing that but I know deep down that it's probably the best care he could receive, I feel like It's saying I'm giving up on him and it feels that way too, it hurts. Is this the right thing to do? It's been very stressful on me and I don't have very much help. Can someone please give me some insight on what I need to do?

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Trgray72 , you are not selfish! Look at all you've done - far more than most could have done at any age let alone when you are so young. Your dad would want you to be building your life with a career and relationships beyond caring for him. In his pain and confusion he may not be able to express this but think of his love for you as well as your love for him.

Speaking of that love, the very best care he can have now will be provided by professionals. You will be his advocate and his rock through visiting and keeping him connected. But his physical care is complicated and needs trained professionals. This won’t change even with rehab. It could improve, but he’ll continue to need far more care than you can provide.

As was mentioned, the social worker at the rehab/nursing home will be able to help you sort through this. A chaplain may also be able to help.

jeannegibbs put it well when she says that parents want to see their children flourish. Your building your life so that when his time comes he can die in peace will be the greatest gift you can give him. Even if that doesn't seem so now, in the end it is. You are not giving up. You are getting more help - trained help.

If you get a chance, we'd love to hear from you from time to time. We're all pulling for you and your dad.
Take care,
Carol
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What a wonderful gift you've already given your father, by caring for him for two years!

Now that his needs are greater, you can give him another wonderful gift: the opportunity to watch you grow and flourish, while his medical needs are being met in an appropriate setting and by three shifts of professionals.

What most parents want most fervently is to see their children living a meaningful life. You need to have opportunity to grow in your job, to socialize, to perhaps form long-term bonds with someone special. Give your dad a chance to see this happening. Visit him often, where ever his care is, but now that he needs more care, do not tie up your whole life trying to provide it. That wouldn't be good for Dad and it wouldn't be good for You.
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I am dealing with this very situation right now.

My answer is, no, you are not being selfish. I am 38 years old and at 25, I was in a very similar situation to you. 13 years later, I am trying desperately to free myself in many ways from being responsible for my mother.

No matter how much you love your father, he needs care that is beyond your scope and, you deserve to have a life outside of caring for him. You can visit with him and make sure that he knows how much you love him but, you should focus on yourself also while ensuring that he is getting the care he needs.

Sending you lots of love.
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Is your dad still in the hospital, recovering from hip surgery?

If so, rehab at a facility the very bestbthing for him, even if he were much younger with no other medical issues. Because he does have medical issues, rehab at a facility that is in a nh, rather than one that is just for rehab is a very good idea!

You don't know what dad's needs are going to be until after he rehabs. Get him into a good favility now, start the recovery process and reevaluate after he's had several weeks of pt.
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I agree with Babalou
Keep him in the nursing home/rehab while he is recovering. You are so young and it sounds like he needs a lot of care. You may lose your job too!
If he goes to a rehab, they will assess his needs and your circumstances. In all likelihood the social worker at the medical facility will help you get the help at home you need to assist in caring for your father's medical and physical needs if he is able to return home.
Don't go it alone. You and he both need help. God bless and I think with more professional help he will improve. It sounds like you love your father very much. You are doing the right thing by getting more professional help.
My mom had so many terrible afflictions. She wanted to stay home and have her kids come and help.
After she had a stroke and all her other medical conditions were properly evaluated at the hospital and rehab, she was able to get the professional in home care and assistance that the family could not provide. The social workers at these facilities can be very helpful in assisting you with a plan for your dad's care that is beneficial for both of you.
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The hard part here is you have entwined your emotional needs with what he needs from a medical and physical aspect. So best to separate those two things and get some objectivity. Your emotions should not stand in the way of what he needs to try and get better. So yes...since you can not provide what he needs, Would you not feel better knowing you can do better for him by getting him to rehab. Don't let your needs to feel "good" stand in the way. At 25 you need to think of your future and keep a job and remain in the work field. Care can be provided by those who do those things and you can provide companionship and a living presence.
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Please don't feel guilty. Once you find a good place for him, you can visit and do fun things with him rather than feeling burnt out which could turn into resentment regarding the level of care he needs. You love your dad very much and he is lucky to have you in his life. Best Wishes! We are here for you when you need support!
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I want to commend everyone who has written here. Jeannegibbs, thank you so much for putting the right positive spin on this.

Yes, honey, your dad wants to watch you flourish in the world.

In the midst of a terrible family crisis years ago, I decided to see a therapist. Wow, all I could ask myself was "what was I waiting for?" The therapist helped me so much! All of my questions and worries evaporated. You dad needs special help; maybe you need your own help to make this "doable" for you.

Good luck! We will all be thinking of you and rooting for you!
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Whaaaaaa? assisted suicide? *I* was ready for that before I got my mom into proper care in a nh, but she was still a happy person right up to the end. What a nice ending to her life! She didn't know where she was, she had Lewy Body dementia, and she was living in a nursing home, but she was cheerful, appreciative, and very pleasant to all people she came across. The people there told me every single time I visited how much they enjoyed mom's company....so assisted suicide was off the table for her, lol. Compared to some of the poor souls up there, she was pretty well off.... Mom just passed away a few days ago, truly hope she is in a better place now.
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If you haven't done so and he is still able, make sure you are documented as his power of attorney for his health care and finances so you will be included on all medical matters and financial issues. Then find a good place for him with the knowledge and skills to see to his medical needs at least. Good luck with this search. It's an important step that will improve his care and also provide you with relief. Focus on the improving his care to ease your sense of guilt. Few of us are trained for this role and need those who are to provide the best care.
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