Is is selfish of me to not want to take my dementia Dad 400 miles to my grandmother's funeral? - AgingCare.com

Is is selfish of me to not want to take my dementia Dad 400 miles to my grandmother's funeral?

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I am his caregiver 24/7 I never get a break. My brother and sister will be leaving from the same town to the same funeral. I don't want to have to do it alone. The whole thing, in the car out of the car the bathing the pooping the peeing. The constant .... well y'all know. I want to put him in Respite Care while we go or have THEM take him and keep him in THEIR hotel room with THEIR wife/husbands who can help with his care. instead of ME alone doing it. Is that too much to ask? Am I being unreasonable?

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You are right, sodonewithsal. Last year we went to an aunt's funeral about 3 hours away. After we sat down, the chapel filled and we were pinned in by people. As soon as the service started, my mother wanted to go to the bathroom. I told her no. She repeated her request throughout the entire service. There was no way I was going to disrupt the service to take her. She was so fixated on going to the bathroom that she didn't get anything out of the service. She didn't want to go to the graveside service and wanted to drive home right after the funeral. I didn't mind, but it did irritate me that some people acted like it was my fault she didn't do things. Personally I was thinking it was a great accomplishment to travel with her and stay overnight in a hotel without incident. People who haven't worked with elders with dementia don't understand that the caregiver is often a passive participant who is tuned into the elder's needs.
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My sympathies for your upcoming loss.
Your made the right choice in not taking your father to the funeral. He wouldn't get anything out of it, and it would just make a difficult experience worse for everyone.
Ad fish pant? Love it! I LOL'd.
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Why would you take a dementia patient 400 miles in a car to do ANYHING? Get respite. Also, get respite on a regular basis, lest you die. Hugs!
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It sounds like you made the very best decision (to leave him at home) that you could. It doesn't sound like he'd get anything out of the funeral and would severely impact your trip. Go and don't feel a moment of guilt about it.
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no it's not his mother it's his mother in law. his state of mind? Gone most of the time, he does his fish pant thing where he just pants and blinks a lot. he is not articulating much anymore, thinks I"m his sister who died 20 years ago. argues with me constantly about the simplest of tasks and is almost always in some state of panic about someone in trouble and needing him to rescue them. or fire... he imagines fire a lot. Grandma is in the final stages of death now and the funeral will be soon I just needed to ask before so I'm not totally freaked out when it happens. I told my sister that I would not be taking him and she actually seemed ok with it, of course the option of him going with her was out of the question, imagine that. She DID however say that our brother was available to take him, he wasn't there to nix that but I'm pretty sure that Dad will be staying here while we travel. WHEW.. thank you all.
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so sorry JessieBelle... blessings to you
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My mother's sister went into coma a week ago and died yesterday. I thought about how difficult the trip would be, since the sister lived 6 hours away. I thought about all the pain, confusion, and pit stops and utter exhaustion that goes along with traveling even a short distance. I was glad to hear my mother say that she didn't want to go to the funeral, that it would be too hard on her. I'm sorry that we can't make it, but I'm also relieved. I know how you feel.
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Not selfish at all.... it will be horribly stressful for you dad, being out of his normal environment and routine...... respite sounds like the best choice..... you will be more relaxed knowing he will be taken care of and won't have to listen to family complaining...... a win win for you and dad... sorry for your loss...
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No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Is this dad's mom? What's his mental state? I'd say either let siblings take him or leave him in respite. You should be able to go and experience your grandmother's funeral without constantly worrying about your dad. Hugs to you...let us know what you decide.
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No, don't take him. Travel is very hard on dementia patients. Funerals are particularly depressing as it reminds them of their own frailty and they will obsess for days. 400 miles is an all-day trip in a car and I would not put him through it. Even at my age, 62, at the end of 400 miles I can barely move.
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