My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. She's becoming too dependent on him and refuses to ask anyone else for help. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died. He gets absolutely no help from siblings at all and won't ask anymore because of the grief they give him (you live there scenario). He is fortunate enough to work from home. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and doesn't like him to leave as she gets lonely. I know he feels that he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).
I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems and is very unstable on her feet. She needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? Some say she's not thinking right because of her strokes, however, I think she likes having her son home with her since her husband died.
I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer. His biggest mistake was not setting boundaries but now over 5 years into it, what do we do?
Please help.
Let me put it, this way, and I hope this will make what I'm trying to get at, clearer:
We have a variety of people in our lives. It's not easy to balance them and we do sometimes give short shrift to people who truly are important. If he and she aren't creating a balance, that doesn't make it your fault. Unfortunately, it doesn't make it hurt any less, either.
Anyway, I guess I'll stop before I dig my hole deeper, here, but I'm really trying to be supportive and understanding to you in my own clumsy way.
Is this man English or American? English ones are incredibly bad - monumentally, criminally bad - at telling the truth if they think it might be rude. As in, for example, telling the girl that you thought might be the perfect woman that, actually, on closer inspection, no she's not.
I think you should probably take a nice new friendship from this, continue to go to the pub with him, be pleasant to his mother if you see her, and enjoy what time together is convenient to all concerned. Forget the romantic angle with him and find someone who needs more urgently to spend his life with you.
And for goodness' sake don't blame his mother. No man in this country is obliged to spend more time with his mother than he wants to - you can't stir a step without seeing conveniently placed care homes round every corner, Social Services will send a carer to his home if he wants to go out of an evening, the possibilities are endless. If he's not making space for you, then I'm afraid it's because he doesn't want to and he doesn't know how to tell you.
Or that's what it looks like from that angle. I'm sorry, but to look on the bright side there's no shortage of lonely people round here, is there? Write it off with no hard feelings and you'll be fine.
Don't talk to mom, talk to him. And you have to ask yourself what is going to be left once she passes. Can you go back to being they way you we
If this is something he feels he has to do and you just have to understand, then maybe it is not working for you any longer. I do agree with a lot of people here that long term relationships without commitment are just stalling mechanisms. He is comfortable. I have seen it over and over.
You're being a good friend to this man, and that is good karma for you; I'm sorry if it isn't going to turn out how you would like. But I am glad that you're alert to the possibility of being used - in your place I would be on my guard there, certainly.
Could you say a little more about what his set-up is? It could be that he does need help getting his mother's care sorted out and doesn't know where to start. I'm still sceptical, but then again - even leaving the relationship to one side - helping is what friends are for, isn't it.
Broke my grandmother's heart. I don't think she was ever the same again.
The original poster may be a troll, but the example she gives happens. If anyone i reading this, don't be my Grandmother. Get out of the relationship and go find someone else if he won't "marry" you because of Dear Old Mom. Life is too short!
How long since he moved back into her house? (I assume it's her house?)
Is he working?