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AGAIN......I don't want my BF to change......he has a heart of gold and is completely doing the right thing in taking care of his mother. He will never have any regrets. I also would never ask him to chose as there is no choice. This thread was ONLY about why his elderly mother won't depend on her other children and why she makes him so guilty when he does things with me. It was NEVER about choosing or commitment......geez. I think Captain hit it spot on.....
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The handwriting is ready on tbe wall. You just do not want to accept what you have read. You.are not going to cbange your boyfriend. He has already chosen how he wants to lead his life before you came on the scene. Either you accept what he has to offer you in a relationship with him or you move on. His mother's needs will always come first. So why are you investing time and energy in a relationship that is not meeting your needs. Stop being the source of your own problem.
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I got lost too Captain - and I'm the one asking the question for support. You sound like a very compassionate and understanding guy - which is what my BF is as well. There's nobody else to help, so he's taking care of his mom. He'll have no regrets after she's gone. I'm not asking him to chose as there is no choice. I just wish his mom wasn't so dependent and makes him feel so guilty when he wants to be with his gf.
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you guys lost me somewhere .
i actually had a really good looking woman slow and wave at me while i was pickin cherries today . what was interesting , she wasnt smiling as in instant attraction . just waving as in " im going to slap you out of that tree if you dont wake up " ..
she lives 3 blocks from aunt ednas IL . he he . can ya fill med planners , hor ?
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No, Captain, we have seen a daughter here who is a Momma's girl and just threw the BF under the bridge because momma said so. Boundaries were in the wrong place. Kandy wants the boundaries to move. Now if Kandy was trying to get Captain away from Aunt Edna, that wouldn't happen either. But I don't think Captain would lead anybody on with romantic overtures about a rose covered cottage in a field of dreams.
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WOWZA......didn't realize you couldn't reach out more than once with the same scenario.....sorry about the crime. BTW I don't know what troll means either. I was thinking this site was nice people here supporting people. Guess I was wrong. My question is more about elderly parents relying on their children too much and how you deal with it and how can a parent expect you to give up your life. The question had nothing to do about where my relationship commitment is or if I will ever have a ring on my finger. I'm not interested in marriage. Sorry to be a troll.........geesh
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Captain you are a man among men; nothing but respect from me. But I think you also figured out how to hold on to your own life while taking care of your mom and now helping Aunt Edna. I'm not sure other men are as good at doing that.
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if i met a woman right now she would have to deal with my watching after my aunt . id help her if the roles were reversed .
theres more to life than a third mortgage and an ocean cruise . ( imo )
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i respectfully dont agree with many of you . if a woman lives with her mother and cares for her at end of life shes an angel and a hero -- a son , a mommas boy . ive lived this crap . cuz just got another visit from the same aps ladies i dealt with . they thought old beard clip hung out with momma and inherited her house . theyre f - ing stupid . i went home in a matter of hours after mom died just like i told her attorney i would do 7 years ago .
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Sounds like what Kandy needs is not more or better answers but a reality check. She's not going to be able to compete with BF's mother.
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Kandy wants a better answer. Dusty is right, nothing is going to change. The boundaries were in place long before Kandy arrived. An adult man who is still living with momma is as immovable as the Rock of Gibraltar.
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Ashlynn and Blannie, good call.

Here's the link to the post Kandy1234 posted in April of 2013, as a woman:

"How do I handle mother/son caregiving relationship?", at

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-son-caregiving-relationship-157046.htm

If this was a legitimate post last year, it seems as though the same problems exists and Kandy is still asking the same question.

Perhaps Kandy can just refer to the answers posted last year and posters here can just move on to a question which hasn't already been asked and answered.

Or maybe Kandy's posting about her BF and her BF is posting about her and neither realizes it??

Or perhaps this is just a troll fishing for sympathy? I agree with Ashlynne and Blannie.
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I agree shakingdust....I finally figured it out...just wish I had done so a lot sooner
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Kandy, you wrote the exact opposite scenario in answer to a question in April of 2013.

Here's what you wrote, "Here's another scenario.....how do you handle possibly losing your significant other because mom is lonely and wants you to spend every night at home with her? Dad died 5 years ago and I moved in to help my 87 year old mom whom has had a couple strokes. I feel that I'm replacing my dad. My mom and long-time girlfriend get along great - but girlfriend gets lonely too and wants me to spend time alone with her as well. I feel pulled in both directions. My siblings don't help. I've given up my life for my mother and am tired of having to answer every move I make and every phone call I receive. "

So are you the girlfriend or the guy? Or are you a troll?

And you wrote the exact same question that you started this thread for (almost word for word - cut and paste?) a year ago. So you've written twice as the girlfriend and once as the boyfriend. What's going on????? Who are you?
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Oh we've had many heart to heart talks. I know he wants to be with me, but he feels he's completely stuck. If he doesn't take care of her or the upkeep of the house, who will? She doesn't have a lot of money and they live in the family home that her grandparents lived in. We recently took a long weekend getaway and she makes him feel guilty when he told her we were going away for a few days. Doesn't she want better for her grown son??? I so want to talk to her about what she's doing - but I'll end up hurting her feelings (which I don't want to do). I'm so frustrated.
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This has a familiar ring to it ... same troll, new name :(
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His mother is just using him as a substitute for her dead husband no longer being around and your BF, out of a sense of fear and obligation I guess, has bought right into it. I think you two need to have a heart to heart talk about your future because right now it does not sound like you have much of a present much less a future. He can start setting boundaries now. It will not be easy, but he can do it. I wish you the best.
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