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My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. She's becoming too dependent on him and refuses to ask anyone else for help. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died. He gets absolutely no help from siblings at all and won't ask anymore because of the grief they give him (you live there scenario). He is fortunate enough to work from home. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and doesn't like him to leave as she gets lonely. I know he feels that he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).

I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems and is very unstable on her feet. She needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? Some say she's not thinking right because of her strokes, however, I think she likes having her son home with her since her husband died.

I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer. His biggest mistake was not setting boundaries but now over 5 years into it, what do we do?

Please help.

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His mother is just using him as a substitute for her dead husband no longer being around and your BF, out of a sense of fear and obligation I guess, has bought right into it. I think you two need to have a heart to heart talk about your future because right now it does not sound like you have much of a present much less a future. He can start setting boundaries now. It will not be easy, but he can do it. I wish you the best.
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This has a familiar ring to it ... same troll, new name :(
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Oh we've had many heart to heart talks. I know he wants to be with me, but he feels he's completely stuck. If he doesn't take care of her or the upkeep of the house, who will? She doesn't have a lot of money and they live in the family home that her grandparents lived in. We recently took a long weekend getaway and she makes him feel guilty when he told her we were going away for a few days. Doesn't she want better for her grown son??? I so want to talk to her about what she's doing - but I'll end up hurting her feelings (which I don't want to do). I'm so frustrated.
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Kandy, you wrote the exact opposite scenario in answer to a question in April of 2013.

Here's what you wrote, "Here's another scenario.....how do you handle possibly losing your significant other because mom is lonely and wants you to spend every night at home with her? Dad died 5 years ago and I moved in to help my 87 year old mom whom has had a couple strokes. I feel that I'm replacing my dad. My mom and long-time girlfriend get along great - but girlfriend gets lonely too and wants me to spend time alone with her as well. I feel pulled in both directions. My siblings don't help. I've given up my life for my mother and am tired of having to answer every move I make and every phone call I receive. "

So are you the girlfriend or the guy? Or are you a troll?

And you wrote the exact same question that you started this thread for (almost word for word - cut and paste?) a year ago. So you've written twice as the girlfriend and once as the boyfriend. What's going on????? Who are you?
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I agree shakingdust....I finally figured it out...just wish I had done so a lot sooner
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Ashlynn and Blannie, good call.

Here's the link to the post Kandy1234 posted in April of 2013, as a woman:

"How do I handle mother/son caregiving relationship?", at

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-son-caregiving-relationship-157046.htm

If this was a legitimate post last year, it seems as though the same problems exists and Kandy is still asking the same question.

Perhaps Kandy can just refer to the answers posted last year and posters here can just move on to a question which hasn't already been asked and answered.

Or maybe Kandy's posting about her BF and her BF is posting about her and neither realizes it??

Or perhaps this is just a troll fishing for sympathy? I agree with Ashlynne and Blannie.
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Kandy wants a better answer. Dusty is right, nothing is going to change. The boundaries were in place long before Kandy arrived. An adult man who is still living with momma is as immovable as the Rock of Gibraltar.
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Sounds like what Kandy needs is not more or better answers but a reality check. She's not going to be able to compete with BF's mother.
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i respectfully dont agree with many of you . if a woman lives with her mother and cares for her at end of life shes an angel and a hero -- a son , a mommas boy . ive lived this crap . cuz just got another visit from the same aps ladies i dealt with . they thought old beard clip hung out with momma and inherited her house . theyre f - ing stupid . i went home in a matter of hours after mom died just like i told her attorney i would do 7 years ago .
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if i met a woman right now she would have to deal with my watching after my aunt . id help her if the roles were reversed .
theres more to life than a third mortgage and an ocean cruise . ( imo )
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Captain you are a man among men; nothing but respect from me. But I think you also figured out how to hold on to your own life while taking care of your mom and now helping Aunt Edna. I'm not sure other men are as good at doing that.
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WOWZA......didn't realize you couldn't reach out more than once with the same scenario.....sorry about the crime. BTW I don't know what troll means either. I was thinking this site was nice people here supporting people. Guess I was wrong. My question is more about elderly parents relying on their children too much and how you deal with it and how can a parent expect you to give up your life. The question had nothing to do about where my relationship commitment is or if I will ever have a ring on my finger. I'm not interested in marriage. Sorry to be a troll.........geesh
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No, Captain, we have seen a daughter here who is a Momma's girl and just threw the BF under the bridge because momma said so. Boundaries were in the wrong place. Kandy wants the boundaries to move. Now if Kandy was trying to get Captain away from Aunt Edna, that wouldn't happen either. But I don't think Captain would lead anybody on with romantic overtures about a rose covered cottage in a field of dreams.
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you guys lost me somewhere .
i actually had a really good looking woman slow and wave at me while i was pickin cherries today . what was interesting , she wasnt smiling as in instant attraction . just waving as in " im going to slap you out of that tree if you dont wake up " ..
she lives 3 blocks from aunt ednas IL . he he . can ya fill med planners , hor ?
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I got lost too Captain - and I'm the one asking the question for support. You sound like a very compassionate and understanding guy - which is what my BF is as well. There's nobody else to help, so he's taking care of his mom. He'll have no regrets after she's gone. I'm not asking him to chose as there is no choice. I just wish his mom wasn't so dependent and makes him feel so guilty when he wants to be with his gf.
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The handwriting is ready on tbe wall. You just do not want to accept what you have read. You.are not going to cbange your boyfriend. He has already chosen how he wants to lead his life before you came on the scene. Either you accept what he has to offer you in a relationship with him or you move on. His mother's needs will always come first. So why are you investing time and energy in a relationship that is not meeting your needs. Stop being the source of your own problem.
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AGAIN......I don't want my BF to change......he has a heart of gold and is completely doing the right thing in taking care of his mother. He will never have any regrets. I also would never ask him to chose as there is no choice. This thread was ONLY about why his elderly mother won't depend on her other children and why she makes him so guilty when he does things with me. It was NEVER about choosing or commitment......geez. I think Captain hit it spot on.....
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Kandy, she won't depend on her other children because they've made themselves scarce.

Why "she makes him so guilty when he does things with me," now - hmmmmmm. She makes him? Or he feels, even though she's doing nothing? What I'm getting at is: you're 87, you're not in great shape, you're getting a bit anxious, you are as a matter of plain fact wholly dependent on this lovely boy who has proved he does give a damn… and when he walks out the front door, you get the jitters. And maybe, too, you're going downhill a bit and he's not so happy as he was about leaving you on your own. So: his feeling more guilty about it isn't necessarily anything she's doing, is what I mean. It could just be a gradual shift in how confident either of them feels about her being on her own.

Kandy, not asking this critically, just to address it in practical terms: what would you like to happen? How would you like the schedule to run? I mean, for example, how would it be if you went over one night a week, cooked dinner for all three of you as a family, stayed over? - would that be possible, or H*ll on wheels? How about his getting a paid care-giver in to "mother-sit" in the evenings? What *practical* steps might help?
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Countrymouse - thanks for your nice words. I think you actually understand what kind of man he is and that he is doing the right thing for his elderly mom. I get that she feels comfortable with him as he is the only one that takes such good care of her. I do know he deals with the guilt and he chooses to live this way. However, I actually do witness her sulking a lot when we inform her we're not going to be home for supper or he's going to spend the weekend at my house. "You mean I have to eat alone tonight". That's what upsets me - she shared her life with someone for 58 years, she should want her son to get a way and enjoy his life a little too. That's why I think she's a tad selfish..........

My BF does come stay with me once during the week and I go to his place on weekends and we all get along wonderful when we are together. I'd do anything for her and vice versa. It is just difficult for me to have to inform her of every move we make and when we're coming home and why we won't be home until later. We have a life too and that is what she forgets.

Thanks for your ear and you're not being critical at all. It's hard to explain our relationship through this forum for everyone to understand. Thanks for your time.
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OK, so what is it you actually want, your purpose in posting here? No-one can help you unless you help yourself. As I said before, recently there was someone posting here about much the same situation under a different name ... you maybe?

You want his mother to let go and be gone. Hiring a hit man is one way to go. The other is to get BF a pair of big boy pants and have him set boundaries with mommy. Hire a sitter for times when you want to go out. Only you can sort it out between you. Whining on here is going to achieve diddly squat.
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IMHO bf (if this all is real at all, which I doubt) is just using you for s*x. Try cutting him off and see what he does. I expect he'll be on the Internet pdq looking for another to cater to his male needs and string along.
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My purpose of posting is I'd like support on how to deal with his mother. I want his mother to realize that her son has a life outside of taking care of her every once and a while and she should not wimper when we want to do things without her. If this is whining, then maybe I'm out of line in posting in this support thread and for that I apologize.
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Kandy,

1. How has the situation changed, if at all, since you posted in April, 2013?

2. What have you tried to change it or adapt a different approach? How have those techniques worked or not worked?

If you ask the same question 14 months later, I expect that you've made efforts to change your attitude and approach - otherwise, what's the point in raising the issue again?
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They - "they"! Tsk! What am I saying? I know all older people are not the same; but - they can get quite childish and clingy. I'm afraid the only thing your b/f can do about that is harden his heart. And as long as he knows, objectively speaking, that she will be fine - that someone is going to give her a hot meal, make sure she gets to bed, takes her meds - he should be able to work on going out in spite of pouting, whining or protests and please himself. It's rather like with clingy toddlers - they go through phases where only one parent will do and they will Accept No Substitutes. And as with toddlers, sometimes it isn't in anyone's interest just to give in.

Btw, I don't mean that your b/f's mother is a child or should be spoken to as if she were. Talk to her as you would to any intelligent, consenting adult and encourage your b/f to do the same. Best of luck!
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Did you ever consider his mom might not be able to help herself with her attitude? As a person ages, their arteries get harder and they literally do not get the same blood flow to the brain. This makes it much harder for them to be flexible, or to deal with even small changes in routine. (We are dealing with similar scenario with my 95 y.o. mother who currently lives with my sister.)
It sounds like his mom feels very insecure on her own, and yes, is probably on the selfish side. That being said, the choices are to give in to her, or to accept that she will feel that way but do what you need to do anyway. Her reactions are not your responsibility, they are hers. If it's possible to have someone else stay with her while he's away, that might help. If he's going to keep taking care of her, he needs to take care of himself, too, so he doesn't burn out.
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Nsister.....thank you for your response - this is exactly what I was looking for.....information on how elderly people think and why they do what they sometimes do.
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Kandy1234 you have a right to ask for change, but once you saw your boyfriend's strong attachment to his mother, your next step should have been to walk away. This guy is superglued to his mother. He even works from home. If you cannot accept what he has to give you then find someone who can give you more, because you will always have to fit into his life in his spare time. The mother does not appear to be senile etc. She acts the way she does because she percieves you as a threat in taking away her son, or somehow you changing their mother son relationship in a way that will be unacceptable to her. Bet your boyfriend has a pattern of the same behavior in past relationships. What happened to his last girlfriend before you ? By the way I think you are aware of all the points I made here. Whatever the reason you refuse to move on. The same problem you had in 2013 you still have in 2014. Will you still be on the same treadmill in 2015 ?
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Someone in here mentioned that Kandy1234 should watch for a ring. I don't think I see a post where she said she wanted to get married. Let's not assume that she does. And, just because her and her boyfriend aren't married and live apart doesn't mean they don't deserve time together.

To comment on what Captain just said, I agree with him. I do think there's a double standard for men and women caretakers. I do think people sometimes are just too nicey-nicey to me about what a "wonderful thing you're doing for your mom" that I don't know that I've heard people say to men.

One thing I'd like to comment on that Kathy1234 said, though, was that she does love her boyfriend's mother and gets along with her. I'm not convinced the mother is necessarily trying to drive Kathy1234 away. With my own mom, she sometimes reacts out of fear. My mom is not afraid to be alone but a lot of older people are. I don't mean that I think that Kathy1234 should take the boyfriend's mom along or do things at the boyfriend and Mom's house (like a meal together), but I'm running across other caretakers that are telling me that their parent is just afraid of being alone and of meeting new people. It's not something they do on purpose, but it's still a problem.

With my own Mom, I make a huge deal about doing things just with her. My husband makes a huge deal about doing things just him and her. We make a big deal about doing things together. We make a big deal about how husband and I will have time alone. We make a big deal about how we all need our private time. Mom's memory isn't great so we'll say things like, "We had a great time went we went out the three of us, yesterday, can't wait to do it, again, and we'll be thinking of you when we have our husband/wife alone time at the concert, tonight." Sometimes, we invite her to things we know she won't like, like loud concerts. I realize it's harder for you, Kathy1234, because you're not always there where it's easy to do this and maybe you feel a little like an intruder, there, not sure.

Now, I don't know this woman so this is just a suggestion, not saying it will work, but consider this and maybe adjust it to her personality, but if you called her before he comes out to pick you up or meet you and chat with her a bit to make sure she's doing okay for the night, tell her how you want to make sure she's all set before you have your night out, something of that sort, do you think it would help? I realize it's an extra bit of time on your part, but it's just a suggestion. And, maybe calling the next day to say you'd wanted to make sure she'd been okay while you were both out the evening/day before and just wanted to check.

Meanwhile, one more suggestion: find a person who could stay with her but maybe could be a friend, sort of. If you could find someone who your boyfriend could meet and feel comfortable with as a paid caregiver, then maybe have all over you over (he'd be there, you'd come over, outside caregiver come over) and do something fun with Mom, introducing her as a friend, do you think she'd buy it? I realize money might be tight, but if you could do this once in awhile to establish the person as a friend, maybe she could even do this when you want to go away for a weekend.
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Sorry but I misworded my post, Kathy1234. Your boyfriend needs to find the caregiver, not you. I didn't mean that you should do it even though I used the word "you" but I meant the plural "you" sort of, but meant more "you folks" not "you, Kathy1234." This is all something he'd do and that you'd just participate in is what I meant.
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geo123 I respectfully disagree with your approach. First of all I see that all the burden has been placed on Kandy, to come up with a solution. Unless Kandy left something out her posts, I saw nothing that said her bf was cooperative with her in making any kind of changes in the relationship. I think the boyfriend is very happy with the way things are with his mother. They probably have always had a too close relationship, read, " dysfunctional, " and I wonder if he has ever left home. This guy has his cake and is eating it too. He knows Kandy may make a fuss at times but she is not going anywhere.
Until people learn how to be alone and enjoy their own company they are needy folks and often settle for unhealthy relationships so as not to be alone. From personal experience, until you face your loneliness and develop a rewarding independent life that does not center on being in a relationship you set yourself up for attracting unhealthy relationships. I had to learn to have my life center around me, not another person. If that person could not enhance my life than they cannot be a part of it. Also patience is needed to wait for the right one to come along. That is also another reason you need to, " get a life , " because the right person for you isn't going to appear overnight.
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