Selfish Mom expects son to give up his life for her. Any advice?

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My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. She's becoming too dependent on him and refuses to ask anyone else for help. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died. He gets absolutely no help from siblings at all and won't ask anymore because of the grief they give him (you live there scenario). He is fortunate enough to work from home. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and doesn't like him to leave as she gets lonely. I know he feels that he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).

I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems and is very unstable on her feet. She needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? Some say she's not thinking right because of her strokes, however, I think she likes having her son home with her since her husband died.

I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer. His biggest mistake was not setting boundaries but now over 5 years into it, what do we do?

Please help.

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I don't understand. If you had a child, you would hire a babysitter. Why not for mom? Just don't call it that to her. There are a ton of them out there for $10 an hour. She needs some one so get her someone.
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Kandy1234, what would you do if boyfriend's mother, all of a sudden, needed genuine 24/7 care? The mother is 87 years old and is afraid of being alone and maybe not for selfish reasons, but because if something happens to her how would she contact her son. My mother was living independently when she died at 82 of complications from surgery to fix a hip fracture from a fall. Thank god she had a medical alert bracelet, but if not, how long would she has suffered on the floor before help arrived. My point is, it is fear and not selfishness that makes her act that way. You say you can't deal with the situation now! Well, it is only going to get worse as she gets older. Your boyfriend is devoted to caring for his mother. Should she agree to go in a nursing home voluntarily, so that her son can have a life for himself? I doubt your boyfriend would even agree to such an unselfish act, considering how much he loves his mother. You have to accept what is and take it or leave it.
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So are you in England? - I was a bit confused by the timings of your post.

How long since he moved back into her house? (I assume it's her house?)

Is he working?
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Well Indespair, he's laid it out for you. His mom won't consider outsiders and I guess he won't either. So he's stuck. Now you have to decide what you're willing to put up with, because he's not going to change. And if he was "willing to move heaven and earth" to be with you, believe you me, he'd find a way. It's easier to keep things the way they are. He'd rather face your wrath than the wrath of his mother. So the question is, can you live with that scenario?
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He is living with his Mother and I live a short distance away. He seems to be going crazy living with her and I have suggested to him that he should not be living under the same roof but rather be more of her carer, even if it means going to visit her endless times per day. Its making him so miserable. Its as though his life has been placed on hold and in turn so has mine. He is trying to sort out carers money etc but because he has not lived here long enough he is not yet eligible. He is adamant that she would hate "strangers" going into the house and so won't consider outside carers. He has a brother and a sister living in the area but they have just left him to get on with it while they selfishly get on with their own lives and never visit, never offer any respite etc. I might well be a good friend but I really think I deserve a bit more in regard to my own happiness, I have had more than my share of things to deal with and that's why I am so bitterly disappointed. But its really getting to me ...I keep getting upset about it all and that's going to be the kiss of death for any relationship. Its as though any chance we have of even trying to see if we are suited is being thwarted, its over before it even began etc. I don't think we stand a chance.
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My grandmother had exactly this senerio with her long time BF who refused to get married until his mother passed away. They were boyfriend/girlfriend for 9 years when her BF died of a heart attack at age 61. 85 year old mother lived on...

Broke my grandmother's heart. I don't think she was ever the same again.

The original poster may be a troll, but the example she gives happens. If anyone i reading this, don't be my Grandmother. Get out of the relationship and go find someone else if he won't "marry" you because of Dear Old Mom. Life is too short!
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Indespair - so where are you, and where is he? And where is Mother?

You're being a good friend to this man, and that is good karma for you; I'm sorry if it isn't going to turn out how you would like. But I am glad that you're alert to the possibility of being used - in your place I would be on my guard there, certainly.

Could you say a little more about what his set-up is? It could be that he does need help getting his mother's care sorted out and doesn't know where to start. I'm still sceptical, but then again - even leaving the relationship to one side - helping is what friends are for, isn't it.
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You may be right about how he now feels about me but he previously said he would move heaven and earth to be with me but now he is stuck with his Mother he just seems really depressed and miserable. He cant seem to cope with his Mother and neither can I. And its all very well being friends but sometimes you can be used and taken advantage of when men play the "friend" card. Been there done it and got the t-shirt. I am very wary of that. I have said to him that he doesn't seem all that bothered about me any more and yes -I have said to him that I think if he was bothered he would find a way but he just keeps saying he hasn't got the emotional energy to do any more than he is doing at the moment. Stalemate ! And yes I am in despair and very disappointed. But trying to be reasonable and as understanding as I can be..
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Sorry, I hit the wrong button there. Anyway, will all of this leave scars on your relationship?

If this is something he feels he has to do and you just have to understand, then maybe it is not working for you any longer. I do agree with a lot of people here that long term relationships without commitment are just stalling mechanisms. He is comfortable. I have seen it over and over.
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Kandy this is between your BF and his mother. It is up to him to talk to her about the situation, it is up to him to decide which of you to put first in this relationship. If you were married, would anything be different? Or would you still be in the backseat so to speak. What you have is a man and a mother without boundaries. Mom wants for whatever reason to dominate his life and he is letting her. It is one thing to have to take the backseat to an ill parent for a while but something entirely different to be pushed to the backseat.

Don't talk to mom, talk to him. And you have to ask yourself what is going to be left once she passes. Can you go back to being they way you we
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