Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
When you play favorites with your children, you damage your grandchildren. To reward one child for "special care" is opening a real can of worms. Not all children can care for their elderly parents the same. My mother has lost it a bit and thinks I want her money. Only my brother's name is on her POAs ect. Am I guilty, of course not. But if she made a will and left me out (which I would not deserve) she leaves out my 3 girls as well and my nephew who has always been a" prince" will inherit enough money to live well for the rest of his life. How do you think that will make my girls feel. So you have to look past the "rewards and punishment" and think of what you are setting up for the future. Or just give all to a charity and piss off everyone.:)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This book, "The Sociopath Next Door," addresses a concern about the USA society. In this country, independence is encouraged and celebrated. Winning, being top of the heap. Winning at someone else's expense, competition. The elders are expected to leave their fortunes to their children, and getting a big share of this is part of the winning.

My parents both prided themselves on making plans for their future in a nursing home (insurance of $100 day...wow) so we kids wouldn't be bothered. That was the talk of our generation. Social Security would handle it all, Medicare.

The Greatest Generation, freed from the ravages of the depression and WWII prided themselves on advancement and providing every new device and experience for their children. We believed it, and sorta assumed we'd do the same thing. But we didn't have the deprivation, nor the work ethic, nor the experience of saving the world from Hitler's evil.

In the Asian countries, even the sociopaths are less obvious, because they mimic behavior based on filial piety and responsibility. There is a cultural system of how elder care is provided, carried through the eldest son and his wife. In this country, inheritance laws generally do not base distribution of inherited wealth as who loved the most, nor who put in the most hours caregiving. However, you can do this in your own will...and suggest if kids abandoned you, that you leave your estate to friendly neighbors, the few genuine relatives. or some nonprofit.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Just make sure you have the Power of Attorney for Mom and that you are in charge of the bills and her finances. I just discovered that my brother (who lives around the block) and won't see my mom for 4 years, has embezzled thousands of dollars from my mother's reverse mortgage taken out for her survival and has taken all the rents from an income property that my mom couldhave used to pay for full time aids. He is denying this corrupt behavior and his wife is screaming at me for telling them to pay for ours mom's car insurance for the last 5 years even though mom stopped driving 6 years ago. They even charged their second car to my mom doubling her monthly car insurance bills when she should have had no bills at all for cars. So, forget your "family", be happy with what you are doing for mom and yourself, and get smart and get the power, see the attorney so your mom's assets are spent in a way that is beneficial for her. Know that you are doing the right thing and hopefully your children will do that for you someday, instead of abandoning you and stealing your money. I have lost this brother emotionally, and have lost such respect for him and his family. The grandchildren live around the block (they are adults ) and haven't seen my mom in 4 years. She asks for them all the time.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My husband and I can completely relate to your story...he is the youngest of 4 (3 girls and him) and we moved in with his parents for 5 years at his dad's request as he could not handle his mom alone anymore (she had alzheimer's and was total care). I married into this situation and we spent 5 years caring for both of them, unable to take vacations, unable to even get away for a weekend. We were also the only ones with small children - 8 and a newborn when we started! We just gave up even trying to get them to help as it just angered us more than it was worth. 2 years ago, the one sister who lived the farthest away (about 2 hours) agreed to move in so we could move to our dream home in the mountains. She has found exactly the same issues since she has moved in. My mother in law passed away last spring and we can only assume that if his one sister was not there to call us, we wouldn't have been told about it. This situation affected me so deeply that I started a geriatric case management business (I am an RN and certified case manager by training) and unfortunately, I see this scenario all the time. All you can do is be glad that you have the opportunity to be with your mom as much as you are and know that they are the ones missing out on returning the love and support they received growing up. I truly believe Karma works and know that those that treat their parents with such disrespect and lack of concern will get what is coming too eventually!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

its so bizarre, these 'loving' family memebrs you THOUGHT you knew, the claws come out and the mask comes off when the parent is close to dying. before dad is even gone, my sister is planning on how to screw me out of my half of this house, whitch is bizzare to me since im the one that moved back here, im the only one renovating this house and caring for dad, yet im not trying to screw her out of her half...
guess i got the compassion in this family
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

SAK9, I am so sorry for you. I would think in 7 kids, one would be close to you. As you said, you reap what you sow. If your children have kids, they are witnessing their treatment of you and learning. So........
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

bonnieadams59, you are so lucky to have such a Mom. I can understand your disappointment in others. But you are lucky to have this woman who did so much for you and this love will be with you the rest of your life. My Mom is the opposite. I have tried to be part of her life and she just doesn't care about me. So I dream of just having the relationship you are so lucky to have and I wouldn't let anyone else matter if I were you. You are truly blessed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am 78 years young and thank God every day for good health and ability to care for myself. I was a devoted mom to 7 children. Months and years pass without a card, telephone call, email or visit from most of the children. We must remember that we live in a throw away society, where respect is no longer a social issue and making money is top priority, not family. I feel each child has to answer to a higher power. I believe in karma(you reap what you sow). I only have to answer to my Maker and am not responsible for what adult children do. This is my message to compassionate caregivers who have family members who rarely visit or help with aging .parental cares. Remember, dear caregivers, YOU WILL BE RICHLY REWARDED IF NOT IN THIS WORLD, BUT IN THE NEXT!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

what i think is so hurtful is when family members dismiss the needs or problems of the elder because it tens to hurt us twice. Once for our Mom, and then another time for us. I have spent many visits to the ER sitting in the waiting room by myself, feeling bad for my mom, dealing with the doctors, the after care, and then the fact that I'm alone in this and then dealing with my own immediate family issues. It can be so much. And then to deal with the grief of losing my respect for my siblings that are not here. When and if my mom passes before me, i do not want any of them around because it would be too hurtful and this has damaged the family dynamics for sure
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Read book "The Sociopath Next Door." Will help you ID traits and know they will not change. Stay clear of them is best advice.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Selfish family members seem to be a 'common theme' and my heart goes out to you. About the best advise I can give you is to enjoy your time with your mother, and honestly it is best NOT to waste energy or time on those that seem NOT to have the time to give you the 'time of day'.

Look for help from 'the family of man' instead of your biological family. We can all sit here and say (honestly) that we wish it didn't happen, that we wished that other family was 'there for us and them' but it may not happen. But all that will do is waste YOUR time and energy when it could be spend doing something better!

I will tel you that when she passes you mind will NOT be filled with what you should have done, but what you DID together! Oh, and to answer your question about whether you should call or not, my answer would be YES. Your mind will be at ease, but expect some unique reactions from 'them'.

I spent more time with my Mother and I know that when she passed, mine was a feeling of great loss, but also relief to know that she was no longer 'lost and suffering'. God rest your soul Mom... I will always love you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sometimes it is a blessing to have the nonfunctional selfish family members out of the out of the way, they can do more harm than good. Believe me, when mom passes they will all be there whining, sniveling and saying what a wonderful person she was and how much they loved her. Then they will have their hand out saying mom would want me to have that. Unfortunately, we see it all the time. Caregivers need a lot of wisdom, grace & stamina to put up with greed & selfishness. Let your words be kind, filled with compassion, and few but to the point. Time is short & lost opportunites to show respect & build relationships will never be regained. And they will reap what they have sown. Sometimes they need to be reminded of that.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Your circumstances are more common than you may realize. The burden of caring for an elderly parent often falls disproportionately or exclusively on one child . This occurs because other family members are indifferent, insensitive, ignorant, harbor longstanding resentments, live far away, etc. I belong to a support group for individuals caring for parents with Alzheimer's disease. The most common complaint at our meetings is how little brothers and sisters do to help them and their afflicted parents. These resentments can divide families to the point where brothers and sisters no longer speak with each other. As an onlyl child, I think these irreconcilable differences are tragic.

In my case, I am angry and disappointed that my cousins who never so much as pick up a phone to find how things are going or to speak with mom. This simple act of concern would mean so much to both of us.

I try not to dwell on my disappointments. I can't let them interfer with what I need to do. Neither should you. Just keep moving forward. The day of reckoning will be here soon enough.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Welcome to the club. I do understand your frustration. I have 9 brothers and sisters, 8 within 30 minutes from my house. I took our mother in to live with me 3 years ago when I realized she couldn't stay alone. I have 2 sons and a husband and a full time job and I had to beg one of my siblings to take my mom for a few days so I could spend time with my son before he left for college. I asked her 10 months in advance so she couldn't say no, by the way she is retired. My mother also was there for everyone of us, when we fell down (and we all did) she was there to pick us up. She let all of us stay in her house to save money to buy our own ( yes we all have our own homes because of her) but they have all forgotten. I have one sister who lives 15 minutes away and has not come to see her mother in 2 years. I sometimes wonder if I have to call them when she passes?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

thank you -- yes, this caregiving is nothing that we were prepared to do. and it tends to hit us in a time in our lives where we still have teenagers and such at home, and many of us are dealing with our own issues. This is very unpredictable and I, too, have been terribly hurt by family members not contributing. it is all up to me and those that do not see it or walk away, i think they will have much remorse
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter