How do you put up with your selfish family members who forget how much their elderly loved one did for them?

Follow
Share

Family members who forget how their aging family member was always there for them and now that the aging family member is "old", simply don't have the time for even a visit. My mother was such a devoted mom. She was always there for her two children and never once was unavailable. She stayed in her abusive marriage to see her kids graduate from high school and always put her kids needs before her own. She never asked for anything. All she ever did was unconditionally love her kids; want the best for them in life; and be there should she ever be needed. It hurts me to have asked her family to make a day trip (four hour drive) to come see her. (She is now close to me logistically as I am the only family member to ensure she is receiving the necessary medical care. I have grown resentful of this so called family. I know that I will never get over my resentfulness but I try not to have this become a major issue in my life. I just don't understand how family can do this. I see so many elderly folks forgotten about. I am ashamed that our society is not more like some other places in the world where elderly family members are revered and their needs prioritized. Our country for whatever reason does not seem to feel this way when more than not families just don't take the time to simply stop by a nursing home and spend ten minutes to say I love you. Granted, there are families who love their aging parents and are there for them and I so respect this. I remain blessed to still have my aging parent and will do whatever I can to have her have the best quality of life I can. She deserves no less. She was always there for her family. So to those caregivers who are there for your aging family, hold your heads high. You are to be respected for all that you do. No one could have ever prepared me for the role of care giver but that's ok, it is one of the most important roles in my life and I embrace it and all of the challenges it presents because I love my mom and she would certainly do it for me.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
45

Answers

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
Same experience I had... We are 4 family members- me and my brother, mom and dad. I found that the bond me and my mother have- that are not present among others. My father is a critical, rude and irresponsible person in many ways. My mother took a great care of our academics. I became a medical graduate and my brother became an engineer. I read at a military school and then medical college outside home. So, for many years I was far away from home. But, me and mom are always closer.
When I became a doctor, after a year suddenly mom was very sick. It was diagnosed that she was suffering from Parkinson's disease. Day by day the disease was deteriorating, but I tried my best to give best care. It was started from 2002. My father promised me many times that he would arrange my marriage with an US immigrant and help me to settle in the US. My father was in the US for 13 years. Suddenly he came home in 2002 and broke all his promises and left all jobs he was working. Our family fall in a great problem. Me and my brother were recently graduated. My brother went to US in 2002, came home 2003 for marriage and did not come home till 2011. I went to Australia to study masters and after a semester I came home as I could not manage the tution fees. In 2005 I married a doctor. It was an arranged marriage. I found that the lady whom I married was not the correct person for our family. She did not show any respect for my mom though they were relatives. She was failed also to grow a good realtion with me. I had to take very strong decision. I found that my mother is the most important persobn for me. I decided to be separated from my spouse.
It was difficult decision as the bride's family pressurized me to accept their daughter.
I went to abroad but I was worried about my mom. I know very well that my father was an irresponsible person and he has no sympathy for others except his close friends. After a year, I rushed to my country. I found that my mother was so sick. I prayed a lot. My mother was happy when she saw me. Within 2 months she was improved, but I found that she became psychologically ill. I felt helpless when I used to see her in that way. My mother told me many times to marry again but I decided to not to marry till my mother was alive. In 2007, I completed MPH and in 2009, I completed MIPH- the Australian degree. I was awarded MIPH in 2010 and my mother was so happy to see this. My father used to say others before,'See, he spoiled a lot of money, but did not completed...' When I completed my degree I showed him my certificate and told him,' You are wrong. Have you seen it?' He felt ashamed.
My mother became so sick in June 2010. I managed her and served her as my best. My dearest mother left this world in August 2010. She was my best friend and she will be always in my mind.
I thank to the Almighty that He gave me the opportunity to serve my mother. My brother did not come and see my mother for 7 long years.
I am not blaming my brother as I think all this he learned from his father. I hate these type of family members who cannot love each others.
I am also grateful to my Almighty that He has given so wonderful mothers who always loves me most and took a great care of mine. I believe, we will meet again in the heaven. I always love you Mom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am telling my story...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes, Madge1, OMG, do we share the same life, ha ha. Our mother's generation, typically the mother stayed home tending to the house and kids while the fathers worked. The extended relatives lived nearby, and the kids, (my siblings), had the option to go straight to work after high school as college educations were seen as optional. Now, the pressure is greater in all areas, and perhaps, we as parents are over-involved. I don't know, but I do think we are being stretched much more.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

sosad2, let's give "our" generation a break. Most of us worked a full time job, raised a family, sent children to college (or are in the process). Expected to volunteer and wear many hats so to speak. My Grandmother cooked, cleaned and raised kids. Took care of her Mom for a few years until she had to go into a nursing home. My Mom worked a total of 7 years in her entire life, cooked, cleaned, took care of her kids and never took care of an elderly relative since they died earlier than today. From my perspective, they really had an easier life. Lots of relatives around because many of them worked in the same town for 25 or 30 years. Dad never lost a job nor my Grandfathers. I think women today have it so much harder than in the past. Yes, we have more "stuff", sometimes, but life is tough for the boomers too. We too are a great generation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Gee, I wonder if I should start a new discussion about this. So, my son left home and it was my daughter's last year in high school. I was looking at the brass ring after years of working part-time and doing the raising of the kids while my husband worked out of town. I also was caring for my mom for ten years off and on. (i'm the only one in the area). I got a full-time job in my 50's to help pay for college tuition and BINGO the mother landed at my house needing more care than ever. So now, instead of the brass ring, I'm working full-time and caring full-time, and not having that last year with my daughter as I had been looking forward to.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It is a terrible and stressful situation. I am the only grandchild doing any care giving in the family and my mother took her father into our home for to do it. but come he passes and they will all be getting equal share in the sharing out, (note we do not get paid for the care giving). Granted many relatives live out of state so it is what it is. On a social level, fortress has the lay of the land there as many others do. This is a very different society. Aside form selfishness and being out for all one can get being seen as positive character traits, the Baby Boom generation is living to see Very Old parents in greater numbers, needing much more care and far more expensive care than ANY generation before. Look at statistics if you like, just fifty years ago the population of the aged was no where near the levels modern science seems unblushingly happy to provide in ever increasing numbers.
Gah, on the personal level, do what you need to for the care needs of the elder relative and let the greedy, thoughtless, self interested siblings deal with themselves. Get it all in writing and in legal terms, get help where you can, cherish YOUR relationship with your loved one, you are not responsible for the choices others make.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is a huge problem and only going to get worse as we get older. More medications to keep us alive into our 90s and beyond. Many of us now days do not even have children at all.

It is very difficult as adults to plan for your retirement after working year after year only to now be dealing with parents who are declining in health and because of medications a long slow path of ups and downs. Instead of spending our 50s and 60s doing a little traveling before getting "too old" , we are now here running after emergencies with our parents.

It is a weird situation. To love your parents and also resent it so much. To be responsible and yet have brothers and sisters who do not help and are let off the hook more and more just because "you will do it".

I do not know what the answer is. We are going to need more and more assisted living facilities and more and more nursing homes.

I have no idea what my husband and I will do when we cannot take care of ourselves. We are trying to make our home accessible as possible in anticipation of the future but for now... we have no future... the next 20 years of good health we have will be spent taking care of parents in declining health... and unfortunately parents who were not very loving. But we can't walk away.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

my question for all of you is -- has our past generations experienced all that we are at this point. I'm wondering, since I'm taking care of my mom, and my mom didn't take care of her mom as she was not living nearby and what did the folks do years and years ago. I'm thinking that we have become a very selfish society and the family has become fragmented. I think this is a huge crisis -- any thoughts?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sop 832 I have a feelingthats exactly whats happening in my situation. My sister got mad at me, for reasons which I still do not know and just basically cut herself off from my family, ever since then she sees my mom less and less she is now down to once or twice a month. I have a feeling all the stress of taking care of my Mom has gotten to her and her useless mooch of a husband put his foot down with all the visiting and taking her places. I have to only hold hope that Karma does exist and everyone gets what they give. I know at the end of the day I have done what right by my Mom and the others can just rot with their guilt in their own disgusting existance.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I cared for my elderly and frail mom for the last 3 years of her life- she was 96 when she died in March. My sister was po'd at me [long story 2 long for here] and took it out on my mom by not coming to see her but twice in 3 years, but came to the funeral, crying her a** off and saying "Goodbye Mom I love you"
My sister and her husband and grown son had no friends there, the service was filled with my and my mom's friends. I never in a million years thought that my sister would be so hypocrital or that she would not even email me in the 41/2 months since my mom died.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.