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We moved my mom in to MC 3 months ago, because it was our only option. My mom was at home and there was no care plan in place and my mom's home needs cleaning up and updates for safe living. She wouldn't let us do anything and was quite difficult. We just needed a break. We knew she would not be able to afford to stay anywhere for a long time. After a rough month of anger, my mom has now been stuck where she is for the last 2 months. Besides the current health crisis, since my mom moved in there's been reports of rampant fraud, abuse and neglect. Many of the employees have left and are filing the appropriate reports to authorities, and honestly I hope the place gets shut down. I'm not going to get into details but it's a bad scene..and my mom thankfully is very able bodied and doesn't rely on these people for much. She's kept her room packed up and ready to go since day 2.
I've been visiting her a couple times a week, and she is so happy to see me but is so sad I can't get her out. I've talked to several people who worked with her and they said she's gone through a lot of changes..her emotions have stabilized and she understands she needs help. With the right plan of support in place, I believe we can have a go at home. It would also be a massive financial savings for her. She just desperately wants to be in her home (yes, she knows what home is) to putter in her garden and be among her sentimental things and see her family. The anger has completely gone. Problem is, my siblings (whom she designated as POA and health agent) are and have been out of touch with mom's needs, desires and requirements, prefer to leave her where she is, thinking things will get "fixed" at this facility. They are not only willing to wait it out at $6k+ a month (and my mom's health and well-being at risk) they won't even consider letting her have a go at home with ample support while she is still able -bodied and mostly aware. I'm speechless frankly, and well aware they simply want to do what's easiest for them and keep their hands clean of mom.
So at this point my hands are tied and the only things I can do are see mom as often as possible to help ease her pain and sadness and keep a watchful eye and report what I see to the fraudulent director and the corporate office, as well as file a complaint with the state social services.
I do so deeply regret putting her there now, and realize I was at the end of my rope trying to do it myself. We just needed a break and a chance to get her house safe. I had no idea my siblings could be so cruel! Mom hasn't been easy..but this is just evil! And to waste her hard earned money to boot.
I appreciate any support from people going through the similar circumstances. I never dreamed it would come to this. :(

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As bad as the MC is, your mom is doing better because there is structure and professional medication management.

Why do you think your mom wont revert to old, bad habits when she returns to a familiar setting?

I would proceed with caution.
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gemmab123 May 18, 2020
Because neglect and abuse are fine as long as someone is pushing the meds...?
Why even answer a post unless it applies to you?l
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So where would you have your mother go? Back to her home where there are safety risks (as you alluded to)? I thought you were offering to care for her in your own home.
Have you done a cost analysis of 24/7 homecare vs MC? I bet they are very similar.
You appear to think that just because you plan to hire agency professional CG’er’s they all just show up everyday on time and willing to work. They will not. Then you will be scrambling to find a replacement CG on short notice and when you cannot, will you be available to go and take a shift the agency couldn’t cover?

I say work with the POA and accept her plan/decisions. You have no control over your mom’s funds to pay home caregivers & your sister, the POA, feels mom should stay where she is. It’s not likely your sister will agree with your plan.

So here’s your advice - your mom chose your sister to make these decisions for her to assure mom’s well being.
I say work with her because actually you don’t have another choice.
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gemmab123 May 19, 2020
I can't reply to your response below as there is no way to respond to a comment on another response. It's true I think forums are generally unproductive. I have found people mostly just want to compare horror stories and I prefer to focus on actual problem solving and support. I have given support here, even if it's just a few words of kindness. I rarely have a need to throw in my two cents, and to the best of my ability I attempt to discern the main question posed, which is usually in the heading of the post. So that being said, I agree that this particular forum is probably not a great place for me. And yet I remain hopeful.

First, I'm sorry about your MIL. That's rough. But your situation is not mine.

My mom doesn't need 24/7 homecare. One day, she likely will. Of this I'm well aware, which is one reason I'm concerned about paying so much now for her to sit around and stare out a window for over $200 day. She is very able bodied and just needs reminders, some meal prep and her meds dispensed. I also know how much nursing home care costs, as my father is in one now. It's astounding. And there isn't even much one on one relating and companionship. You gotta hire a private to do that. Which I have.

There are in betweens and nuances. Not everything is black and white as people make it out on here.

I strongly believe that we must do our best to take care of our elders with respect and dignity. To help them when they need help in ways that serve them with love and kindness. Putting difficult people away behind locked doors seems to have become as acceptable a "normal" as drugging them up. And yet we intervene to extend their lives. As a society we will be judged for this. We feel guilty about it, but it helps us "move on" in our lives because our elder becomes another persons something to deal with. I've seen some ugly stuff in care homes, and know stories from people who have worked in them. To turn a blind eye to that is abhorrent to me. But that's a whole other conversation.

Her home is safe, would be more so with some bathroom changes and ramps eventually added (she's capable of steps) and she is not in danger. She putters around her garden pulling weeds and drinks coffee and watches tv. Thousands of old people live out their lives at home with appropriate help. Even the forgetful ones. Sometimes that is not the case, and more care is needed. And then we respond thoughtfully, and hopefully not out of desperation.

The POA, not my sister, has been emotionally removed from mom for at least 15 years. He moved away and he's seen her an average of 5 days per year in the last 10 years. Vacations were always more important than seeing his mom. My mother put a LOT of hopes in him which were not met. I commonly was left with the emotional fallout of his brief whirlwind visits. Since going through her papers, I can see her pain was much worse than she let on. I don't blame my brother..these are choices he made. My mom has had some hard times, and didn't work for a healthy awareness. She's not been easy. And in her depression over the years she talked about changing her directive, but never did. I think she holds out hope that he'll do the just and right and loving thing in the end. I can hope that too.. it's not over til its over. It's not ME that doesn't want to have conversations about concerns for my mom, as you assumed in your comments, it is my siblings. I have found our parents have become for the most part an "out of sight, out of mind" concept for them.

But I'm allowed to comment on the fact that the person most removed from the desires, needs, and requirements of my mom, the person who has taken the least amount of interest in them for most of his adult life, is now responsible for them in her most vulnerable and desperate years.

I'm also allowed to ask if anyone else has been in a similar position as me, watching it happen to a loved one.

The concensus here is legally focused. 'too bad..grab some popcorn.'
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Gee, Gemma. I didn't deserve that.

I NEVER excused the abuse. I pointed out that you mom was getting medication management and that was probably making a difference in her level of cooperation. You didn't indicate that she was "drugged up".

She needs better care. But don't expect her to be less difficult when she comes back to in-home care and she refuses her meds.

Psych meds have their place in dementia care and mental illness; they don't solve all the problems, but they can ameliorate some of them for the patient.
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gemmab123 May 21, 2020
You said, "as bad as the MC is, she is doing better (a point which is entirely debatable since we've traded one set of issues for another) because of medication management." I'm sorry if you feel I interpreted this wrong. It's just my opinion based on the phrasing you supplied. If it's not what you meant to infer, then point taken.
I don't expect anything to be less difficult. There is no easy, simple answer. Chances are great it'll never happen anyway.
I understand psych meds can and do help, but they should never be a substitute for human interface and care. And they very often are.
Hopefully the people running and working at this place will be brought to justice. I will do my best to see it is so. Focusing on my mom and her needs.
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Gem, you want to be honored by your sibs?

"My siblings will not honor me with so much as a phone call to talk about what is happening with mom. I'm disappointed (but not surprised) that my siblings prefer now to not deal with mom, her disappointment, and her immense greif, because they could not handle it"

Maybe you are feeling the same with the caregivers here that have offered suggestions. If you approach your sibs as you have caregivers here they will avoid you in an effort to avoid confrontation. Are you frustrated and angry? Yes most definitely. There are much better ways to talk to people and deal with your feelings instead of taking it out on your sibs and others here.

I am going to offer a suggestion that I don't see others have as of yet. You will not like it so I am done here and will not honor you by checking back in. Have you thought about therapy for yourself to help with the guilt, frustration and anger that you are carrying? You just may find that helpful. There may even be a social worker at the facility that could help you with that.

Best wishes.
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gemmab123 May 21, 2020
Thanks for you reply and best wishes! Oh wait, you're not honoring me but that's ok, the universe sees it!

Siblings are what they are. We get along pretty well but no one's ever been close. We are fairly independent people. And I honestly don't care what they think of me. People do what they do and time moves on.

The facility is gonna be investigated.

Gosh, I'm allowed to be a little frustrated in this situation! It's a frickin' mess! I'm human after all. Anger was fleeting. I don't hold any guilt. It honestly feels like weeks since I first posted. If I don't take care of myself I can't help anyone else.

I've moved on and I'm being an advocate for mom in the best ways I can. But I can't delete OP, or close comments. That's why I posted again under it.
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Gemmab, you don’t like anybody’s answer that they gave you on here. You keep saying “I already know that” or “ I don’t need legal advice”. You don’t want to hear anybody’s answers. You also think your siblings are evil and cruel. Try talking or texting to people nicely. You might just get what you want😀
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gemmab123 May 20, 2020
Thanks for your reply. I guess you've nailed it because you are right, I'm not looking for answers. I was looking for support from other humans in a similar situation. But I understand people prefer to give answers. Which is fine.

Sometimes, people do act in ways that make one question their moral compass. And you are very blessed to have never run across that, and to have never felt betrayed. Good on you.

If cruelty can be defined as failing to look after the needs of a person after shutting them in a home with substandard care than maybe that is so. If cruelty is not being in conversation with the person most in touch with the one shut away and seeing them and what's going on (albeit it limited as I can only do window visits) than maybe that is so. But it could be something else. Close-mindedness? Uncaring? I don't know. It's just mincing words.

Shame on me for having high expectations for my vulnerable mom to be cared for by the people responsible for doing it.
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Gemma, NO amount of reassurance, human interaction, not 24/7 in home care, calming music or soothing aromas brought my mom peace. The right cocktail of antidepressant and antianxiety meds did.

Her brain was irretrievably broken and without the chemicals that it needed Those meds supplied the balance. When, at the end of her life, my SIL found her weeping in terror one evening, we suspected immediately that her meds had been reduced. As indeed they had. We raised Holy Heck and got her previous levels restored.

Gemma, I've been down this path, with my mom, with my MIL. My best friend has her mom "at home" with 24/7 caregivers. To say that her mother is getting poor care, is in danger from lack of medical oversight and that my friend is on the verge of collapse is not exagerating.

I wish you and your mom all the best and hope you find a good solution. As someone upthread said, perhaps you need to get guardianship if you and mom are in agreement that siblings are being cruel.
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gemmab123 May 21, 2020
Thanks for your reply and good wishes. I'm sorry to hear about your mom and MIL. I'm sure it was a very hard time for you, and your spouse.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend's mom..I'm sure it is quite horrible.. I'm sure she's glad to have your guidance. It is a treacherous and heartbreaking path.

I have never claimed to have all the answers. I just feel it's important to consider the situation dynamic and be in communication about it. But if my opinion isn't wanted there's not much I can do. I was just surprised to be stonewalled.

I've already moved on. For now I am focused on my mom needs where she is. And from I hear it sounds as though there are many reports being filed at the state and corporate level against the appropriate people, and I hope that justice will prevail. If not then I certainly hope my siblings will consider moving her. It is frustrating that the one who makes the decisions is the least engaged. But it is what it is.
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When a person has dementia they are no longer capable of having “learned a lesson“ so to speak about being difficult or angry and resolving to do better. It seems the thought may be that mom has seen how bad MC is so she’s learned to be better behaved so she can move home. This behavior will be temporary at best. Back in the environment with the original issues they will surely return, and dementia only worsens. Sadly, it never gets better. As it worsens, finding caregivers will become harder. You’re a thoughtful and caring daughter for wanting the best for your mom, that’s admirable. If she’s in a bad environment you should absolutely work to find a better place. I’m afraid that can’t be home any longer, it likely won’t turn out well. Be her advocate for and in a new MC that will be a positive place for you both.
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gemmab123 May 18, 2020
Gotta love forums!! Ask for support from a similar situation and people can’t help but make assumptions and judgements about a Situation they know nothing about.
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I am going to agree with something you have already heard...you are being rude to the people who are trying to help.

I remember a situation like this from a few years ago. A person asked for advice and then was snarky to the people responding. Some people commented, "Fine. I'm out." One compassionate responder pointed out that anger can sometimes be a mask for other difficult emotions such as fear, sadness, guilt, or feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

That comment, and an apology from the original poster, changed the tone of the interaction for the better. From there, helpful advice was given and received.

I sincerely hope that you can get to a point that you can see that the people responding are trying to help you.
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gemmab123 May 20, 2020
I did recognize that I was rude and apologized to that person for my response. I’m not sure who it was but it’s on here somewhere:)

I’m totally fine with people not getting where I’m coming from.

Based on responses here, there was only one person in a similar situation.. which is a disagreement about the best options for their elder. So that’s that. Which I’m fine with.

Otherwise it’s people giving their two cents, which is fine for a forum I suppose!
TY!
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I'm just curious...why do you consider your siblings using her money for her care a "waste of money"? Do you think it's the amount that's unreasonable or the fact that it's her funds being used?

You probably don't want to hear this, but if you push to bring mom home, don't be surprised if you get zero support from your siblings in taking care of her.

If you feel the facility is no good, then by all means search for a new one. But be very realistic about what you will be taking on if you bring mom home.
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gemmab123 May 18, 2020
I'm well aware of what's involved.
I actually have no expectations of them doing any caregiving. Not sure why you would assume that. One of them doesn't even live here.
I'm not proposing myself to be her primary caregiver. There are plenty of people skilled at doing that. All she needs is companion care and meal prep at this point.
It will be at less than half of the current payout to keep her at home with paid caregivers. Yes, it's an unreasonable amount, and based on the current situation, yes, her money is being wasted. It's never a waste of money when good care is taking place.
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Siblings did what was easiest for them? You forgot the part about what is best for mom. You all were overwhelmed with her care and needed a break. That would continue to be the case if mom were to come home again.

Mom's assets are for her care. Do you really think that mom would want one of you to take on the load of care? Or want you all fighting over what is best for her?

Take a step back and think. Mom is better in care than having her children fighting over her.
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gladimhere May 18, 2020
In home care would cost in the area of 10K a month. But, good care for her is worth that expense.
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