Hello, This is in the past. I am an immigrant and I bought my father to live with me. After 6 months I asked him to move back to India. I got angry with him for some reason and I vowed that I will never care for him. I was the only caregiver and family and there was no one in India to care for him. He wanted to come back but I refused. He was cared for by his students. I visited him, and I was in a dilemma as to how to care for him. I just did not want to care for him at all and was heartless. He passed away at 71 with a heart attack. He was lonely and not loved by his two sons. His other son died of suicide. Now I am repenting and guilt-ridden that I hurt my father. I am such a cruel son. It is in conflict with my love for him and desires to see him happy. I actually did not hate my father. But I do not why I was angry with him. Now I am so depressed that I feel like I cannot go on living. He was really in bad shape and he was afraid he will die. His friends soothed him and took care but as a son, I did not do that. Now when I look back I don't know what possessed me. I am such a terrible and horrible son.
You handled things to the best of your ability then.
No one is perfect. None of us lives life without regrets. We can never go back in time. We can only move forward in life.
Your father is gone because of his illness. You are very much alive and have a purpose in this world.
Your life has value, just as every life has a purpose and value.
I understand that you feel lost at this time. You are deserving of finding peace in your heart. I believe that your father would want that for you.
Take time to grieve the loss of your father and to lick your wounds.
Seek out your path in life. Follow it and be at peace. Don’t hesitate to ask for guidance along the way. Others will help you achieve clarity in a confusing time in your life.
Take care, my friend. I wish you well.
In any case. The way to find your "mental peace" is to begin by forgiving yourself.
Guilt is a feeling, emotion we put upon ourselves.
We all do things we are not proud of. We all do things we regret. None of us can see the future. You do what you can in the best way you can at the time. There obviously was a reason that you got angry you just have to let that go, forgive yourself and resolve to try to not let it effect other choices in your life.
Your father loved you and forgave you just as any parent loves and forgives their child.