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The background story is a little complicated.....My father had heart failure which left my mother widowed at age 54. She remarried at age 63 to a man 23 years her junior. My brother (who I have mentioned in a previous thread) was a meth addict when she remarried, and Mother asked her new husband to physically remove my brother from the house she had purchased for my brother to live in. (She was an enabler and often requested others to "handle" my brother when things got out of control.) Fast forward about 16 years and Mother divorced the husband in order to give my brother complete access to her 24/7 as my brother is going through recovery. There was too much animosity between this man and my brother to allow her to support my brother while still married to him. This turned out to be wonderful for my brother as he has remained sober.


The ex-husband began to take my mother out again after a number of years. They would go away every other weekend, and it seemed to work out for all of them even though my brother hated it. Fast forward to the present - Mom is diagnosed with moderately severe dementia and the doctor has declared her incompetent. I have the POA for all matters and am the executor of her estate. I am trying to make the best decisions for her health and happiness, which sometimes conflict with each other. Mom started having delusions about 6 weeks ago. She thinks she had brain surgery, thinks she was asked by the doctor to be his "assistant" for the entire day, thinks she is part of a professional dancing group which makes her tired. etc. etc. And yes, she does have a problem with UTI's, which contribute to the problems, and I am routinely having her monitored and tested for UTI's.


Mother has continued to go out with the ex-husband. Every Saturday night they go out to dinner; she spends the night, and they spend Sunday together. As Mother developed dementia, my brother now lives with her full time. A few weeks ago my mother caught a cold. My brother and I both advised her NOT to go out that weekend. She was not up to staying overnight, but insisted on going out for dinner Saturday evening. Then, to our surprise, she had arranged to go out again on Sunday. He picked her up and took her to lunch at a friend's home. We expected him to drop her off later that afternoon, but NO - he took her home to his condo (without an overnight bag) and brought her back home the next morning. (She had no extra Depends, so she wet the bed, and this was apparently the first time he had knowledge of her incontinence.


So he returned her home Monday morning, told her to get changed and he would take her out again "for a walk." My brother was very concerned and told the Ex that she was sick, but the Ex paid no attention and Mother was adamant about going. She returned home wheezing and I took her to the doctor. She had bronchitis. The following weekend we forbade her from going out. She complied as she was sleeping most of time and really felt ill. But the weekend after that she was feeling better and wanted to go out again. She called the Ex and he took her out to dinner. Then he came home with her and stayed in her room watching sports. My brother could not get her ready for bed. (This happened another time when the Ex just put her to bed in her clothes without a fresh Depends.) My brother was furious as the Ex did not leave until 10:30 PM, way past Mom's bedtime. She was sitting on the loveseat asleep as he watched the game.


So now I feel that I need to apply some boundaries. Here comes my real question (finally!!) - How much autonomy can you allow a person with severe dementia to make their own choices when it regards going out? I called the Ex (yuk!) and told him that her doctor has given me medical authority, and going forward she will have a curfew and must return home by 8:30 PM. Also, no more overnight visits. He doesn't believe she is incompetent, and hasn't seen the delusions. Now he wants to take her out MORE often..........

Does mother have money he's after, perhaps? The whole story sounds fishy to me, especially the last part where now he wants to take her out MORE frequently after you laid down the law. It's SO difficult trying to manage a person with this level of dementia, that it makes NO sense why he's suddenly interested in such a level of involvement. What's in it for him?
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Hazelthebunny Sep 11, 2019
this was my thought exactly. Is he trying to exhaust her so she gets ill and passes away? Does he know something about her will? He sounds like a creep. I apologize for being blunt!
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I think your boundaries are absolutely correct. If the ex is not able to handle this, then I think perhaps he needs his rights explained to him again. I would tell him that at this point, with an incontinent and delusional elder, who IS DIAGNOSED BY HER MDs, you are legally and in fact in charge, sadly in much the same way you would be of a child. As that stands tell him that you will set the rules and he will have to obey them as she is incapable of doing so.
I am afraid, if push comes to shove, you will have to explain to him that you can easily get a court injunction at this point.
This gentleman is still in his 70s. It cannot pass by him that your Mother is so changed. If it has I honestly question HIS own health. What is he doing with a delusional woman who is incontinent and is this much older than him. I mean, love is love, but I question this. YOU are in charge of your Mom's safety at this point, and of her life, in all fact. You would not want to get a stay away order, but it may be necessary.
As there is torment in the history of Mom's SON and this gentleman, I would leave the son out of all of it. YOU are in charge, legally, in much the same was you would be of your own child.
Honestly this is some story, and not a little worrisome. Do keep us posted.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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write him a letter. Yes, old fashioned post office letter. Send it certified so you have proof of delivery.

state the facts. That these nights out and extended excursions are very detrimental to her health.

state simply that you have both DPOA and Medical proxy. That your decision to end nights out is in the best interest of Mom. Any attempted interference on his part will be met with a restraining order.

i bet that will put and end to it. Then you just say...from now on we all go out to dinner together so that we can keep an eye on her because she is frail. If he doesn’t like supervised outings...then There will be none.

but, if he tries....go get that restraining order at your local county office...they will help you fill it out.
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Reply to Katiekate
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