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Hello, everyone. I continue to feel immense relief at no longer being my mother's caregiver. Those of you have followed my story know all the things that happened. Now, my next caregiving task is upon me. My mother's stepmother is 90 years old and needs a TAVR. She never had children of her own. Her remaining sibling is 87, and currently taking care of his wife after her second knee replacement and she is struggling with mobility.
So this is basically my step grandmother. There were times my mother did not associate with her and her father because she hated her father. So I was not solidly raised around them. But still, I have a very good relationship with my step grandmother. It’s not quite the super comfortable level that it normally would be, but I genuinely love her and have a lot of affection for her. She’s a good person. She supported me a lot through everything I went through with my mother. She knew exactly what kind of a whack job my mother was. That being said, I’m super nervous about this. I’m nervous that if it does not go well I will be thrust into full-time caregiving. What if she gets hospital delirium and they’re trying to release her or something like that. I do not currently have any sort of power of attorney for her. Her brother has this. But the things that are positive in the situation are number one, that I love her and enjoy being around her, number two, her house is normal and not boarded so it does not bother me to spend the time there. Number three, she’s a normal mentally fit person who makes good decisions. And number four, she is financially stable and has long-term care insurance.
Her procedure will be at a hospital that is about an hour away from here. It’s in a location that’s not a terrible drive or terrible parking at least. She has offered to pay for my hotel if I want to stay nearby while she is in the hospital. I have too much pain and orthopedic stuff going on to sleep on the crummy hospital visitor bed. This should be just a one night stay and then she comes home. I also have to take her up for a pre-op appointment and I think some sort of test. I will find out more Monday when we see the cardiologist. Crossing my fingers this all goes smoothly. Does anyone have experience with this procedure?

It’s good that most of the answers are positive about the operation and what comes afterwards. However it would also be good to plan for what happens if GM does not come through well, either in the short or long term. My first MIL had a bad reaction to anesthesia, freaked out about snakes coming down the walls to her hospital bed etc, and it might happen with GM too. It would be good to talk to B who has POA. Tell him “I’m nervous that if it does not go well I will be thrust into full-time caregiving”, and ask him about his plans. Be even more nervous if he doesn’t have any.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I was concerned about the possibility of hospital delirium occurring after a surgery I had a few years ago. (No problems occurred.) However, the anesthesiologist told me that when it happens, they try to send the patient home as soon as the patient is medically able to leave the hospital. That's because, in general, the treatment for this kind of delirium is to return the person to their familiar surroundings. That being said, they are not going to send a patient home if there's any chance it's unsafe. You might also talk with her and the anesthesiologist together about this possibility to be sure you're all on the same page.
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Reply to Igloocar
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My dad had this surgery in his mid 80’s. If I recall the days correctly, he had the surgery on a Tuesday, came home on Thursday, and drove himself to church on Sunday. He flew through the whole thing, zero complications, and breathed much easier quickly afterwards. Hope this goes well for your step grandmother
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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My mother had an aortic valve replacement at the age of 90 and her surgery was successful. The suggestions in the other posts are very helpful. I hope you follow their suggestions.
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Reply to Artsy2017
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I would strongly recommend talking to the anesthesiologist prior to the procedure (even when he/she visits right beforehand) to discuss your concern about the effect of anesthesia on cognition in the elderly. There are some types of anesthesia that are less likely to have an impact. She is likely to only spend one night in the hospital after the procedure. If she demonstrates any confusion, you can ask that she be held longer to see if it clears or get a social worker involved to discuss an unsafe discharge is she is going home. Then plans can be made for transition to an assisted living facility.
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Reply to pamela78702
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I read your reply to me. Good that her mindset is she may need Assisted Living at some time. No problem in helping just don't get emeshed. I would suggest, though, that she appoint another POA. It can be a lawyer. Brother seems to have enough on his plate and and getting up there age wise.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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TAVRs have been around since 1990s. They are used instead of coronary bypass for the frail and elderly. Patient stays are short and recuperation is fast. For you should not be obligated for long term. So go for a few days to support her. She has a POA and you should not feel obligated towards her care. Enjoy the visitation time to keep company. During your down time, you can be proactive by calling her local social services to determine senior transportation for the long view
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Reply to MACinCT
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At least consider the worst case scenario and plan for that. Step GM sounds pretty solid but don’t over extend and have a plan if it doesn’t go well. Likely SNF with over taxed elderly brother at the helm as POA. Is her quality of life severely impacted by her aortic stenosis? Has her cardiologist maximized medical treatments? Ask questions and be informed about options. This usually isn’t an emergency procedure.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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How involved you get is all up to you. This procedure has changed since my Dad had one in 1992. You may want to make everyone aware that your there to help not be a Caregiver. If this woman lives alone, make them aware there is no one there 24/7. If brother is POA, they revert to him. Make it clear that you just came out of Caring for a very difficult parent, you do not want to take on that roll again. Your help is not a permanent thing. You must set boundaries. You have a family, right? They are #1.

My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way".
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Oedgar23 Jan 21, 2026
Right. The only family she has are a couple of nephews and they live in another area of our large state. She has a niece who is in her 70s, but in bad shape herself and in assisted living. I am literally the only person here who can transport her to this. All of her friends are in their 90s. She does still live alone. Has an active social life, drives, does her own grocery shopping, etc. But the last time I saw her brother last May, I could tell that the aging process is really affecting him. Both of them. She has acknowledged that she will at some point end up in assisted living. Several of her friends have recently moved there. So at least I know she is of a mindset that if she cannot care for herself, she has to move somewhere. And she has the means to do it.
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