I am so confused about what I see in my mom and what the skilled nursing people tell me

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So when I walk in to visit my mom (I don't tell them when I am coming to visit), she is usually laying in bed or sitting and looking so AWFUL. She is tired. She can hardly put a few words together. She losses her thoughts. She hardly gets up to walk. If her lunch comes, she can hardly eat it. I have to feed it to her. Then she doesn't eat very much. She has progressive dementia and had a broken hip that is now healed. She still has 2 compression fractures but the pain is very controlled. But she talks then she cries, talks then cries on and on.

Ok, so then I ask the nurse how she is doing and I hear that yesterday she was walking up and down the hall with her walker and CNA with her. She was helping sort out magazine. She ate all her food. on and on like that.

I usually only see her as often as once a week. I almost feel like she does better on the days I am not there. Maybe I am breaking the routine? Then she had the CNA call me and she told me yesterday that she didn't have the key to her home and she was staying at the woman's home..the one who is in my room (her CNA)...she wanted me to help her get home.

I don't know what I should do. Should I see her less often? Would she do better? She is always glad to see me but I feel like she falls apart then.

I don't know why she is so bad and low functioning when I show up and I hear about all these other times when she was up and about, eating well, etc.

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Hmm, this one is tricky. My mother is in a NH as well and in my instance, anyway, due to her personality disorder and dementia, she sometimes appears to be worse when I am there (looking for attention) as always. I'm extremely familiar with all the staff and come and go at all different hours. It is interesting what you said about how she is worse when you are there after you have received reports of how much better she generally is.

I don't know why the staff would not tell the truth or even embellish how she is doing if it isn't so. From what I have come to understand is that so often, my mother acts worse in front of me and even on the phone. If I call and she thinks it is my sister calling - her voice is "up" then when she hears me, it is often doom and gloom - just because she wants me to think she is not happy.

My mother is 100% better with the proper medications. Instituionalized living is an adjustment, so unless you are witnessing poor care, it could just be that she is doing better, but doesn't want you to know that. Hope this doesn't sound too convoluted; but it is just my experience. Good to look into it though.
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I've gone just at the time she gets breakfast. I've gone between breakfast and lunch. I've stayed through lunch then she gets her meds. The staff hasn't said anything to me like you are doing this. So usually on the way out I ask the staff how my mom has been doing and I get glowing reports. Or I go to the care plan meeting and I get reports like she is walking up and down the hall with her walker and an aide etc. Sometimes she is sitting eating and other times lying in bed. Sometimes I want to ask the staff to video tape her with an iphone so I can see all this activity. I've tried both telling my mom when I am going to visit and just dropping in. It doesn't matter. I have never seen her have a good day like they are describing. So basically I've been there between the hours of 9:00 a.m. through 4:00 p.m., before meds, after meds. Afternoons are definitely worse. She has about 1 hour around lunch that isn't so bad. But she cries every morning. Since her hip has healed we will be discontinuing the personal CNA during the day. I wonder if she will get better because they will bring her down with people more and she likes being with people. With the CNA she has a choice to stay in her room and she chooses to stay in her room a lot.

She is on a lower dose of morphine sometimes for the compressed fracture pain. They also give her an antianxiety med in the afternoon when she starts getting aggitated and really falling apart. Other meds are thyroid med, cholesterol med, blood pressure med sometimes, med for her bones. I'll know more this week.
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sorry, also meant to ask if you usually go at a time after her meds were given, adn what is she on? thanks
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Is she always in bed when you come? Do you come at different times? Try coming one time at meal time... something is wrong with this picture... I don't mean to sound like an alarmist.... but does the staff seem to think you are upsetting her.... afraid I'd have to pop in at all different times everyday for a week if at all possible, even if you only observe and not interact with her... and if she is always in bed, then make an appt with either the head nurse or admin... and find out what is going on... don't automatically assume you are at fault here... investigate, and get back with us.... if we can help we surely will.... hugs...
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