Second wife: daughter-in-law problems. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Second wife: daughter-in-law problems. Any advice?

Follow
Share

Hi: My husband and I have been married for 30+ years....together for a few more years than that. He suffered three strokes in less than two years. He has dementia. I attended a Caregiver Conference where a workshop presenter encouraged us caregivers to reach out and ask for help. Even long-distance family members. I did. The response I received was shocking! I was accused of "diverting funds" from my husband.....our business (which actually always has been in my name since I created the concept and business model) and the kicker was that if the family contributed financially - they did not trust me to use the money for his care (adult care center). I was absolutely shocked to the point I consulted with an attorney....none of the allegations are true, and I have proof I never did....the family thinks my husband had "significant assets" when in fact he did not. Why this is even mentioned after 30+ years I do not know. I sent IRS statements to them to show my husband sold all of his stocks BEFORE we even started dating...and he lived alone! No matter. No apologies nor an explanation of what these significant assets were in his daughter's mind.....she will not say! Needless to say, I am livid and have grounds to sue her....but she is my husband's only child so not going down that road....my husband has dementia as I mentioned so he cannot even talk to her for two seconds without getting confused and disoriented by the conversation....I just dial her number so he can speak to her....but I am resentful and hurt she is not being held accountable for her accusations. Any advice on how to process all of this going forward.....his daughter lives far away and visited us one time back in 2016 in January.....his grandsons do not call him and he always calls his daughter - every night since about six months.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
5

Answers

Show:
Agree with Veronica - if parents are secretive about finances, or even just normally private, kids can get bizarre ideas of what their financial situation actually is. Now as to why kids can expect inheritances - I can give an example which might, in some cases, explain this situation: Mom and Dad are doing well financially; Mom dies and all her money goes to Dad. Fine. Now the kids understand that Dad can use that money but in their minds it's "our mom's money, her marital share, "she put up with that nasty old geezer for all those years", and should finally go to her children. Dad has his marital share, he is just a sort of trustee for deceased Mom's share, so "mom's marital share" should go to her flesh and blood children, not to a step mother or her children.
Sounds like in this case, daughter-in-law is saying "I will not be involved" and trying to justify herself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Families always seem to think there is more money than there is and that whoever is managing it is helping them selves which of course is some times the case.
No point in sueing it will only cost you money.
Make sure all the legal documents are up to date and keep good records down to what you spend on groceries on a daily basis.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you for your support and sharing your own experiences. To send a simple cease and desist letter would have cost $800++ :(( The consultation alone was $330. My husband came with me. He understood the basic issue but of course, promptly forgot to mention it to his daughter and one of the grandsons, during the next call. We tried three times for him to find out what his daughter feels are/were his significant assets but she never answered that question. So, after months of this, and after scanning his tax return to her and her tax accountant son - they never bothered to ask further questions or apologized for thinking I had anything to do with him selling his stocks which, by the way were sold between 1985-1989 (the year we got married) AT A LOSS TO BOOT! I truly am done with the family except to dial her number so my husband can continue to talk to her - it bothers me a great deal but there is nothing I can do except sue her......not an option I want to take right now but I have up to one year to actually do it.....
The reason the presenter suggested asking for help from family out-of-town is because some family members do want to help - obviously not this one:( His daughter is a teacher and has the summer off, and several weeks during the year where she could hop on a plane and visit with her Dad or take him to her time-share for a short visit to give me a break....but she never offers and goes off with her friends to destinations around the country and out of the country as well. I don't get it because my hubby is a great father (except perhaps not being able to have some frank conversations) and a wonderful grandfather and great-grandfather. I write out all the cards, checks, pick out the gifts etc. and never get a thank you for going the extra mile.....I think they simply do not know what caregiving is all about....anyway, it is what it is and I will simple go on and work with my local support group - my kids, friends..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm sorry for your issues with step daughter---I wonder why the caregiving team asked you to reach out to the family for help--perhaps belonging to this board where one of the great problems that FAMILY is not very helpful has shaded all of our instincts to not expect help---

You owe your step daughter nothing. Why kids think they "deserve" any inheritance is beyond me--but sounds like she is angry and you're taking all the blame.

Talk to the attorney and perhaps get him/her to explain the situation re: hubby's finances. Perhaps the fact you were the one who brought it up stirs the pot for her.
You have the paperwork and the "right" is with you, so go with that.

Nope, don't sue her. She's going to be in your life, good or bad, for a long time. Be the bigger person and let it go, as best you can.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Oh, my. I am so sorry for the pain the family's heaped on you. My mind's boggled for you. My situation is only a tick of what you're experiencing.

I'm Mom's GDPOA and handled her finances for years. I left my home-and-now-closed business empty in another state to move to be Mom's live-in caregiver to give my siblings a break early this year. I had to buy a car since I my ex has the truck (I got my divorce papers the first week I was at Mom's--yeah, 2017 can suck an egg).

I've always been incredibly open about Mom's finances I've taken care of her finances. Siblings trusted me completed. I had to borrow money from Mom, and siblings all knew and approved of this to buy the car. Since the car was more expensive than I had expected (they all knew how much the car cost) I took some money from Mom's high-balance, no-interest-drawing checking and the rest from her Line of Credit. The sibs had approved of the LOC withdrawal but the money from the checking was my last-second decision to save interest on the LOC. A wise decision I still maintain. I had offered them a copy of my notarized promissory note, which included where the money came from, to siblings but they declined. They trusted me. Later, unbeknownst to me, my executor shared it with them.

Needless to say they were livid and stated my credibility and trust with them is ruined because I hadn't notified them of the checking withdrawal. They screamed at me, two against me. I was blindsided by the suddenness of their fury. They didn't listen when I tried--they kept interrupting--to explain my more-dead-then-alive exhaustion and total burnout at that time when I left my home/business to take on Mom's care and forgot to tell them. Since then they act like I'm not even around and don't consult me.

Oma304: you haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like you're doing everything right. You have paperwork to show your work and your decision-making process. Others not affected by caregivers have no idea how hard this is and just think of things from their own not-immersed perspective.

That your step-daughter? and family members refuse to believe you is a stab in the chest. It hurts. I feel your pain. I can only trust and believe in myself and continue to make the best decisions and ensure I have paperwork, receipts, and take notes of my thinking in case I forget (which is happening A LOT lately) if I have to justify and explain my rationale.

Keep your chin up. Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.