Am I the one in the wrong????

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Yesterday I finely took the step of looking into a retirement/assistant living for mom, course she went with me cause they had to do an a assessment on her, when we got there, she asked "whats this place?" I told her its called "Hopes Creek" she kinda chuckled and said never heard of it, we went in, beautiful place I might add, but as we are waiting in the waiting room she starts to see elderly ppl walking around, and then processed to ask me what is this a old folks home?? I said no it is a retirement living center. The case worker came out and asked if we would like to go see one of the one bedroom apts, I said yes.. So we proceeded to look at the apt, I asked mom what she thought, she said it was alright, why?? I said will you are wanting to go back home, and this is the best I can do as far as you having you own place and still be looked after.. OMG!!! S*** hit the fan!!! you are not putting me any where, I can take care of my self, I don't need someone to take care of me, I have my own home if you are wanting to get rid of me,,, one thing lead to another and me and her started to have words back and fourth, the case worker interjected, and said "Mrs. Why don't we go for a walk and just talk" so we did, and the whole time mom is stating I am not staying here I have my own home... so after the tour my mom sit in the waiting room which was by the doors, case worker was keeping an eye on her to see if she would be a flight risk, which we're in her office for about 30 mins going over paper work, mom made no attempt to go out the door, ( There were ppl coming and going) I looked at mom while I was in the office and and oh man you could see how pissed she was,, Anyways, we go to leave get in the car, and I see that mom is mad, so I ask her are you mad?? which I had to ask her twice, and she finely stated yes I am mad, I asked why? she said she was mad cause I was trying to put her somewhere when she had her own home, and please be reassured that I had stated to my mom that she needed someone to look after her to give her her meds, tell her when to eat, when to bath ect, and OMG!!! the fight was on all the way home, I was called a lair, ( which I might add I was called that in front of the case worker) I was making things up.. I haven't been taking care of her she has been taking care of herself, I know she thinks all of this because of the Alz/Dementia, but being a sole care giver, and to the point that I am so burned out, I let everything out, as far as how she was as a mother growing up, leaving me when I was 12 dropped off at my brothers, letting her know I was on my own when I was 14l, telling her how much that upset me that she was not around at the time in life I needed her the most, (knowing the whole time she was not going to remember any of this) I guess just some issues I had to get off my chest... She states to me she just wants to go home, take me to my own home. We get to my house where she now lives, and I have really had enough, ppl have told me that you will know when its time, and I told my self on the way home its time, I can no longer do this, So I get on the phone with her doctor let them know whats going on, watching at the same time to see if she will take off... Her doctor tells me of this place called Geri Pshyc.. where they evaluate them and twik there meds...So I take her there last night... she will be there for 7 to 14 days, and from there I can have her go to the place we first started out at,,, But here my mom was so unpleasant (and that is putting it nice), cursing me, calling me a liar, a bitch, and that I did not know what I was taking about. to this really pleasant person who is laughing and the Geri Pshyc is asking me whats wrong with her??? cause other than the alz/dementia she is in good health, So now I am asking my self.. Am I the crazy one???? Was I in the wrong to do this??? I just want to start my life.. being 49 raised 4 kids all grown, I just want to enjoy life with my husband... And I should point out my husband has been really supportive threw all this.... Any advice guys???

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My advice? Keep up what you are doing. One way or the other get her into a care center of some kind. Get on with your life.
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You are not crazy. You are worn out and realize it is time to take your life back. Sounds to me as if you have done a wonderful job of caring for your Mom but we all have our limits and it is best to admit it and move on.

After two years, we reached that point. My husband said enough is enough when my health started to suffer three months ago. Time for the siblings to do more than visit for 30 minutes every week or so. Once I reached the same conclusion I felt such a peace. We've done our best but I can't let my heath suffer and this was never to be a permanent arrangement. Siblings just found it convenient to never follow through with any future planning once Mom moved in with us.

Good luck and God bless!
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That is the same with my siblings It is just convent for them knowing I am taking care of mom, and that they are free to live their life worry free, they live 3 hours away, and not once have they come to visit, of call me and just say hey we think you could use a break, we are going to take mom off your hands for a bit, They dont even call me to see how she really is doing, They call my mom, not as often as I think they should, but when they do they ask how she is doing and she replies doing good, cant put a good mule, down. And I think to my self if you are really wanting to know how mom is doing why don't you call me to really find out, and then I think probably cause they really don't want to know...
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Sparklingblue: I don't think you are wrong to want to place your mom in a retirement/care facility. Your mom is 90 years old and has Alz You are exhausted and have reached the end of your rope. May I also say that when you reach a point where you start unloading verbally on your mom, it's a good time to make a change. That should be an indication to you that you are really burned out and your mom may get better care elsewhere.

I'm not saying that to be critical of you. You've been doing a very difficult job and the vast majority of people can't keep this up indefinately. When you get to that place where you know you can't go on, then it really is in the best interest of both of you to make a change.

A one bedroom apartment sounds really nice and you will visit her and be an advocate for her. Maybe your relationship will improve when she is no longer with you 24/7.

I feel for you. It's a sad situation, but you have done your best and I hope you will make the change and get on with your life. Try not to feel guilty about this and, if possible, don't waste a lot of time being angry with your sibs. Just do what is right for you and make sure your mom has good care.

Wishing you well, Cattails
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Your mom told you you were on your own at 14? Wow. If that is the case, you have gone above and beyond. Do not sacrifice yourself. You are doing what you need to do. Don't feel guilty.
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Dear Sparklingblue,
All stellar and loving advice above. You are not in the wrong. You are doing the right thing no matter how much Mom argues and complains. She doesn't mean to, what with the dementia, but she will get used to the new living arrangements and will eventually come to like it [I think], once she knows that the care she will be receiving there and all the new friends she will make. Dementia is the most difficult and you must make tough choices. But save your own life too. You in the hospital from stress and burnout will be worse. Do it for your Mom and for yourself.
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First, I applaud all the answers - you went far and beyond helping mom. Second, I totally agree - take care of yourself FIRST - when you are happy and healthy and relax, you can better help your mom - to feeling happy and relax as well. Take a break whenever you can, and don't ever feel guilty or castigate yourself. The Bible says something in this line -- "love others as you love yourself" -- for how can we love others, if we don't know how to love ourselves? So, in order to be an effective helper, you must take care of yourself first. That's my two cents. I know you love your mom deeply despite the fact that she was not there to be a guide and a mom for you in your teen years. But, you are a good person, and you do not return evil for evil. So, relax, pray, get to a small church group -- and get involved with another activity that makes you happy.
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No you are not wrong. Its almost my story too except Mom was a sweet mother when I was growing up.
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I do not think your wrong at all! You are only doing what's best for her and yourself. I think you should try to get Mom to look at the bright side. Tell her she'll get a maid and a cook and room service, entertainment and she doesn't have to be alone. If she needs anything she'll just have to ask. It's not a life sentence it's a vacation!!!
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Thank you guys for all the praises, after mom went into the Geri Psych I went into the hospital myself, thought it was my heart turned out to be my gallbladder, I spoke with my two siblings about the retirement home they were all for it, they were even going to go as far as coming down to help move her stuff into her apt and get it all set up for when it was time to make the transfer, Then all of a sudden my sister comes up and says I don't think I want her there it being 40mins from my house, cause sister didn't think I would ever go see my mom??!! I finely told my sister, hey you want to take over be my guest, so within the next week my mom will be going to a retirement home and my sister will get to see just what it really is like having to deal and take care of a parent with dementia, I will say that since I have gotten my mom back from the Geri Psych she is not the same, so yes now I am beating myself up for ever taking her there, cause she is not the same person, they put her on two different meds, really not liking how they make her..
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