We moved my 84-year-old mom into AL near me almost a week ago. She has what we think is stage 4 dementia according to the DBAT assessment. She had been living alone at home 2.5 hours away from us ever since my dad died 4 months ago, and she was struggling a bit -- not able to drive, dependent on me to travel back and forth to take her doctor appointments and the store, not cooking at all and not eating much, dependent on us to handle all her mail and financials, had a big fall taking her trash out (luckily not really injured), unable to keep track of dates/schedules.
However, now that she's in AL, I am second-guessing myself a bit. She is otherwise pretty healthy and does not need much assistance from staff at this time, and she feels very out of place with all the "old people" who all seem to use walkers... She does have a lot of trouble working the TV remote and the thermostat in her new place, and needs a little help working the shower. She also has a hard time with the meal menus -- obsesses about them daily, trying to decide ahead of time what she should order.
She has times of seeming quite lucid, but then she'll also have times when she will either get completely disoriented about where she is or she will ask something completely unbelievable -- like the other day, she asked me what her husband's name was-- her husband of 60 years whom she's been grieving daily since December. That one broke my heart.
I don't really know what our alternatives could be. She would love to move in with me, but my house is not at all safe for her (lots of stairs she would have to use every day, two crazy dogs, and my husband and I have busy lives and like to be gone a lot, especially to visit our adult children and soon a first grandchild). Mom seems to thinks she could just move in and be a roommate, she does not understand that I would have to be her caregiver. And as much as I love her, I don't think my mental health could withstand it. I'm already struggling as it is.
I also thought, maybe we should have started her in the IL section instead of AL. But I don't know that that would resolve the issues she was having living at home on her own. Maybe it would be supervised enough? With me close by? I don't know.
Did we do this too soon? I know the day is coming when she says she's had enough of this place.
Yes, it sounds like the assisted living is an appropriate level for your mom. It's great that she still has some independence and feels out of place with the other "old people". She is lucky to be able to get around without a walker. I am 63, and need a walker to get around my house. And I was always strong and fit and active. Until I wasn't. At least, she has help when and if she needs it.
She can not live alone anymore.
When she talks of moving in with you, listen with empathy, but understand that it is not realistic, and she may be just "dreaming". Remind her she is in the best place for her, and you are often gone from home.
Give her time. She will adjust. As long as you don't start questioning the appropriateness of the place she is in. Your doubt gives her doubt.
She does not belong in IL. She is not independent , needing help with shower, remote , menus , gets confused etc.
It’s been my experience that people with the issues your mother is having never think they belong with “ the old people “ . Sounds like Mom has dementia , will likely continue to fixate for a while that the others with walkers are older than her .
Do not take her out to live with you . She’s where she belongs for sure. She will only be needing more help . Her issues only get worse at her age.
Most of us feel "mentally" capable of doing things we can no longer physically do.
Those with dementia feel physically capable of doing what they're no longer "mentally" able to do.
That's the truth. I had to hire someone to rebuild the floor of our deck/balcony and put up wrought iron rails. My dh insisted he could do it, he feels mentally capable since he's been physically capable his whole life. He had to paint the new boards, all 12 of them. After half were painted, they all fell off the sawhorse. 12' boards. Then he was sweating and cussing over that. By the time 2 coats were on, he was half dead.
We all must realize our limitations and respect them. For ourselves AND for our parents. There comes a time when what mom "needs" outweighs what she "wants". Now is that time.
Continuing on her own — this would have been only a matter of time until major disaster. Or, you trying to hire and manage round the clock aides. Major headache, very expensive — And still risks.
Independent living — I doubt it! She was not cooking, and can’t drive! That’s not independent.
Moving in with you — also a major mistake IMHO. Major risk that all three of you would have become stressed/ unhappy/ found it unworkable to intolerable. Plus the factors you mention— dogs, stairs, you go away a lot. Impractical, and a recipe for resentment.
Plus don’t forget, dementia is progressive. It WILL get worse.
You did the right thing! My hat is off to you. Congratulations on a huge achievement!
Don't worry about all those old people. My mom at 95 remarked that all in her community were old.
My husband is in memory care and has been there for 18 months. The care and the companionship have been wonderful for him. Be very patient, don't offer mom any outs, because you've chosen the exact right time for her to move into AL. If she says she has had enough of the place, defer, deflect and distract. Save your energy for when she gets to Stage 6 or so. You will really need it then.
The last thing you need is her moving in with you when you already know you wouldn't like it. Dementia patient care at home can be h3ll on earth. Don't cave. Don't hang around the AL a lot to keep her company. Don't second guess this decision. Don't worry about her so much. Save yourself, as I mentioned, for when you really need to buckle down. That time will come, and she needs to be right where she is now when it happens.