Any ideas on how to "scold" my father (95) for using offensive language without being angry or frustrated with him?

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My 95 year old father is now in "trouble" for using offensive language with a worker at his assisted living residence. I have spoken with him many times about this, but now it looks like we may need to move him to another facility. Please help.

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I'm surprised that the memory center doesn't just let this go. It can't be unusual for them. A center of the brain that works is doing this when the filters can't stop it. There's nothing that scolding will do and they should know this.

It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.

I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.

We'd love to hear back from you. Take care,
Carol
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blueize, if this is not common behavior, then possible your Dad might have an Urinary Tract Infection [UTI], as such behavior can be related to that. And/or he could have dementia, and there is a stage where inappropriate language/behavior is not unusual.

The fact that your Dad is "in trouble" for the language tells me the facility might not be the level of care he needs. Those who work in Memory Care are use to such language.
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Does your father have dementia? You don't say what type of offensive language he's using, but chances are he may not have complete control over this behavior. If you've spoken with him many times about it, and he hasn't gotten a grip on it yet, it might be time to talk to his doctor about this. It could be a symptom of something else going on. If it's just one worker, perhaps the residence could adjust work schedules?
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Blueize, If the condition is Tourettes Syndrome your father may not have to move.
A facility should be able to deal with this condition, not punish him. It may be a disability. It may be treatable. If he has offended a worker, has he also offended other residents? You could contact the people who enforce the Americans With Disabilities. Maybe that is the ACLU?

However, maybe your father needs a higher level of care. Maybe he won't want to stay where he is not wanted. Maybe what is needed is for private companion care to be with him in public. If he is drinking or otherwise substance abusing, then get him treatment. There are so many things one can do. Does he stop when you scold him? Then he can control his behavior somewhat.

Please let us know what you think.
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Oh, for craps sake! These poor people who suffer from dementia get treated like children enough as it is - without "getting in trouble". Yes, very often they act out like children but those who are there to help - those still mentally competent ought to be able to show a little compassion and ignore or redirect any blue language, whether it be subject matter or in word choice. When my mother had her brief stay in AL she once unfortunately sat next to a particular lady in the dining room whom she noticed always sat alone - turns out there was a reason why, as the lady went on to call my mother names and berate her all through the meal. Mom called me that evening, quite upset by the whole thing. Soooo - I went and spoke to the director, like the well trained daughter I was. The response? "I'm sorry that happened to your mother. Usually staff keep an eye out and stop anyone from sitting with her during meals". Sounds like someone needs a course on dementia at your dads place - or a switch in career choice. If bad language is enough to keep someone from a facility, I'll probably wind up sitting in my soiled Depends, alone in my apartment.
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Thanks to everyone. I think the UTI and some sundowning might be part of it now that I think back to when this might have occurred. He does get impatient and worries a lot. I think talking to his doctor might be what I need to do. I appreciate the guidance from several of the comments.
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Your father cannot control his behavior. I don't think you can impose him on another assisted living facility. It may be time for you to consider a facility with a dementia unit. I once had to stay temporality in an assisted living facility with my husband, who had Parkinson's. A sweet little old lady became abusive toward him. She did not belong in assisted living. We left.
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Working in a skilled care facility requires the ability to absorb some unpleasant behavior from the residents. It is unreasonable to expect people who are ill and out of touch with the world and themselves to exhibit company manners. If he were physically assaultive or combative there would be a reason to move him to a facility more prepared to handle him but his inappropriate statements are part of his medical condition and therefore something staff should be prepared to deal with. Yes it's hard to hear abusive, profane, racist, insulting, insensitive, or inappropriately sexual remarks but in this context they aren't personal and they come with the territory. I worked with juvenile delinquents for many years and got called about everything but a child of God -- but that was just who they were.
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Without knowing, foul language is a characteristic of Turret's syndrome, however at 95 yrs. he probably has dementia and it is just his brain losing its ability to recognize "abusive" language. Language skills are highly complex and dementia robs a brain of that function.
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Lollie, "scolding" most likely will not help with this. Is it just one worker that is complaining about his behavior? I would think that it would be more than one. Perhaps this one does not like your father? I would ask the facility to assign someone else to him. It seems that woyld be relatively easy to do.

Does your dad have dementia? Are the workers at the facility trained in dementia care and methods to deal with this behavior? It could be sundowning, and if he does this to one it more than likely happens to others as well. Is he in memory care?
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