I'm scared to hire outside help. Does anyone have suggestions?

When I hired help for my mother who was living with me, I told my mother that I was getting some help for "me" -- She thought it was a great idea, since she saw I was getting tired. I told her I didn't mine being tired, that I enjoyed taking care of her, but this way, I could rest too, and we would have more time doing other things together. She was thrilled that I was hiring a "Companion" for us.

Good Advice from DofNarcissists. I had to introduce my wife to a new friend who came to stay with her when I had to shop or go out. I could not have had a better caregiver than "Sandy". She was a God sent angel and turned out to be a friend who my wife looked for 3 X a week. Even if it's only to spell you and give you some relief it's a necessary move, don't delay! You have to take the plunge!

... there's allot of good suggestions for you Sue. I'm going to add (perhaps someone has already) .. by what you've said about your mom she has an independent (possibly a tad stubborn) personality who hasn't sent her independence into retirement yet, and may never will. But based on what you've said I don't think an agency is the way to go. Rather a neighborly type person, an individual simply looking for some part time hours, possibly even a retired woman seeking to still engage in the work force type individual. If I'm reading you correctly Your mother is mostlikley prideful and rightfully distrusting so having many different people from a wide variety of ages entering her home (as every agency does) when you are not there, simply won't be trusted by your mother and will not go well. I personally would seek a part time retired person (female)that your mother can gain a type of kin-ship or a light friendship with so she's more at ease with this person when it comes to helping her in all aspects. As far as how to approach it with your mom, carefully and as some have suggested introduce this person as a friend of yours first, having the person over to the house for coffee a couple times then when its time for this person to actually begin "the job" and to start filling in the time frames she's needed.. simply tell your mom ""Mom, so and so is going to stop by and do a few things for me until I get back. "" then simply repeat the "mom, so and so is coming by again today for me" just repeat that as you would if you really did have a friend coming over every day you need the person to be there. Good luck.

Cwillie has got a good point, just gradually bring someone in that will do somethings and work up to more "taking care" portion of it. It might show your mom that she can still be involved a bit and still have the feeling of being "useful'. I know that my mom still wants that feeling even though she is in AL.

I have recently experienced this myself. I am my Mother full time 24/7 caregiver. My siblings help when they can, but it is not always when I need the help. My Mother's needs have become more involved as she has declined in the last year and a half. I finally contacted a caregiver organization in my area for help. My sister in law's sister works in the elder care field so I got a lot of help from her. It was still nerve racking. I interviewed several people before settling on one company. Now as far as my Mom I basically told her since she was having more and more issues, i.e.; falling, hospitalizations and more memory loss that her "doctor" recommended the caregiver in order to help her to be able to stay in her home longer. Actually I did speak with her Doctor as I needed a dementia diagnosis for the respite care ( she has long term care and they will help pay for this care with a dementia diagnosis) he was also in agreement that I needed the respite care in order to continue helping my Mother in the best way possible. Mom seems to take Doctor orders better than regular folks and it seems to have worked. Although she would prefer only family "help" her , so far she has accepted the new caretaker. She comes two days a week, for only six hours at a time, but for now it works fine. It has been wonderful for me as I seem to be less on edge and have some time for myself to do as I want. The first day the caretaker came I stayed close to Mom's house and was a nervous wreck. The caretaker has only been here for three weeks, but Mom seems happier and since they work on her therapy excercise she is getting stronger. She always rebuffed me when I suggested the excercise. She doesn't rebuff the "professional ". It has worked for me, maybe you can tell your Mom the Doctor ordered the help. In a way they all do as it will help you too!

This is very common among elders. YOU are now in control and not mom.

I started out telling my husband I needed help around the house. For a while I told him she was the cook. He was always willing for me to have help but not him. He didn't need it.

Did your mom ever fill out ballots? - say you won 4 weeks of care for doing so & that the 'help' needs the job - if needed say that you need to assess the workers & make up some sort of form to do so - hopefully she won't be able realize how long that month is

When time is up IF she remembers tell her that you both did such a good job on the forms that you now are helping train new workers especially if high turn over - this means she is doing an useful thing by allowing help in the home - depending on her memory you might not need to go this far but let whoever is helping know how you are proceeding - good luck & if this works let others know

My mother had alzhiemers and was resistant to having a caregiver. I told her I had hired a housekeeper to help me. I went through a caregiver agency with a good reputation. I stayed for the first couple of times she came to see how they interacted together. Alicia would just do light house cleaning. The third day I left reminding mom that Alicia was here to clean but I had a dentist appointment so mom needed to help Alicia should she have questions. My absence meant Alicia made lunch for them both, and sat talking for quite awhile. Over the course of five more visits Alicia did less house work and more visiting, playing go fish and dominos.

Then I started saying "your friend is coming by today". If she did not remember I would say "your friend Alicia, you two always have your fun together on Wednesday". She adjusted very easily. Alicia would take her to Braum's each week so the workers there got so they welcomed mom like an old friend. Then they would go for a drive talking about everything they saw, and then circle back to Braum's for a hot fudge Sunday before returning home. Momma eyes were always sparkling after a visit from Alicia.

I think since she has Alzheimer, from what I read. This is a serious issue, and every family member processes this differently and has a different timeline for acceptance. I would recommend you locating an Alzheimer's association meeting in your town or nearby, and showing up to that meeting, if you haven't already. Each family member doing it separately will help speed their acceptance up where you can get more on the page, than at the last minute. One person has to leap. Not everyone will follow, but someone has to bring peace with progress. The person that is scared is the person who has Alzheimers. The ones that don't have that disease should not be scared, they should help. That is why outside help is the solution on several fronts. It reduces stress for all.

I had Home Helpers Agency and this one girl stole money from my moms purse and jewelry from my bedroom chest and the agency did not do nothing to the person whom did this! My understanding was her relative was a big shot in the police department and I believe, that is why nothing was done. I am not saying all the girls were bad and it is sad that, it takes one bad apple to ruin it for the workers whom, are out there to make a descent living for their family and shame on the agency for covering for this girl. I finally, got someone by word of mouth and she was a god sent.. I just want to say if you decide on outside help. I would recommend, one person only. Once you have several people you run into problems and if you stay with one or two you can have more control and monitor more closely.

My wife has dementia so I told her the doctor sent her,the caregiver to confirm my answers to get questions. This has worked. One day they are friends and the next time she asks me to send her home then apologize for being mean to her. : ))

Wow! I can't thank everyone enough for all your helpful suggestions! I just got back from Mom's house (3 days) and will return on Thursday for another 2 days. I'm going to answer a few questions here in one shot: Just to make it clear we are not looking for someone to be at mom's 24/7 as some of you may have thought. Yes, that would be expensive! Us "kids" are rotating mom-care, but at times there are gaps and we struggle to get a sibling to step up to the plate. We are thinking of hiring someone occasionally to fill in these gaps. I have attended Teepa Snow seminars, which are excellent. I have plugged into the Alzheimer's Association and for the last 5 years I have attended a Caregivers Support Group through the local Agency on Aging. So I have been educating myself regarding this terrible disease. My siblings don't think I am the "bad daughter" it will be my stubborn mother who will think I am the "bad" daughter. I do like the idea of introducing her to a friend or saying it is doctor's orders. I didn't even know Care Coordinators existed - so thank you for that tip as well. Also, placing her on a waiting list with a facility is a good idea, for I did hear it could take up to a year or longer. I think having someone come in slowly will work out good, but some agencies require a six hour minimum. I'm thinking if I stayed there the first few days with my "friend" this could go smoothly. Not sure, because she never did like my "friend" who did the yard work and he wasn't even inside the house!!!!! Ha, ha. (I hired a yard person to help me when I lived with mom.) BUT -- as I said here from the start -- there are many excellent ideas you have given and I am going to take the plunge and get some outside help. THANK YOU EVERYONE for your suggestions.

My mother could really use someone to clean her condo. She's obsessively neat, so it would only be needed twice a month or so. So far she's refused to do it. She has not asked me, which is good, because I won't do it.

She probably shouldn't be showering alone (has neuropathy in both feet and has told me it's hard to get her feet out of the tub), but to this point doesn't think she needs help. She has a life alert button, and is currently in the process of considering converting to one with the automatic fall detection option. Who knows when she will actually get that, as she tends to talk and talk about something before actually doing it (has been talking about getting a housecleaner for 4 months now and hasn't done anything to make it happen). 

When we visited an AL place four months ago, she told the director that she would like someone to be there when she showered and also to help with getting dressed. But she has made zero effort in trying to get some help with these activities at home.

If she ever gets around to some personal care help, she will not be hiring a freelancer. If her LTC insurance is to ever kick in, she has to show a record of having help from a licensed agency. I'm sure she will balk at that price, and the fact that there is a minimum number of hours. She may just never get around to getting any help at all.

I am not willing to be her housecleaner or personal care attendant, because of her OCD and the way she treats me.

If I had to be her shower monitor, I would require payment, and I'm sure that would set off a yelling or the crying/shaking routine from her.

She thinks my time is worthless (had another example of that just a few days ago), and I will not subject myself to her emotional abuse.

I'm sure she will find fault with any housecleaner or caregiver, and I'm not looking forward to the endless time on the phone she will waste while she complains about them.  She doesn't understand what a nuisance she is on the phone. She thinks that because I'm not actually "doing something" for her, that that time doesn't count at all. 

(Sorry I seem so negative these past few days in my replies, but I'm still smarting from the emotional abuse I had to endure the other day.)

CTTN55, so many of our parents are like your mother. (Or some version of that song and dance.) SO many.

For us caregivers/adult children, it's the most maddening thing. To be looked at as "the answer" -- while our methods are deemed inferior to their slanted memories of doing fill-in-the-blank better. And our suggestions are dismissed out of hand.....simply because they are OUR suggestions.

I have no answers. Just commiserating. If my mom had allowed outside help, she might still be alive.

On the other hand, the last several years of mom's life (such that it was) stressed the sh*t out of me. My rational side understands that "more for more's sake" is not a great alternative. An extended old age for mom would have been an extended Sissiphyian drama for me -- with or without outside help.

Hang in there, everyone. You're gonna p*ss off mom or dad no matter what. So do what makes sense for YOU and what's left of YOUR life. 

BlackHole, thanks for your understanding post! I know that many here put up with far more than I do.

And many people I talk to act like I should just brush it off and help "mama." Put up, shut up, offer it up seems to be the preferred way to deal with difficult elders. As long as society expects this, nothing will improve. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if more people abandoned their elders in favor of their own health and wellbeing. What would society do?