Hello,
I am in need of some advice. My mom is 79 and my dad is 82 and they live in their own home which has a reverse mortgage attached to it (which is at its limit). It has come to my attention that they are completely broke. No savings at all, and on top of that they have an unknown (to me) amount of credit card debt and personal loans. The only income that they have is Social Security. This all came about after many years of financial support for my sister who has had mental health issues (hoarding, OCD, eating disorder) which caused her to have a lot of medical bills, but on top of that she has always lived beyond her means and when she would get in trouble my parents would bail her out. She’s been fired from jobs at least 4 times, and during periods of unemployment (which sometimes would last a year) my parents would pay all of her living expenses: rent, food, medical etc. My sister has never been married and doesn’t have any kids so she is completely alone. My dad asked me for money last month (which I gave), and that is how I learned how dire their situation is. My sister is currently employed and I asked my parents if they have asked her for help but my mom said she is unable to help because it is hard for her to be single and pay her own bills. (My sister lives extravagantly in a downtown Chicago high rise apartment.) We are in Colorado. I am married, my husband makes a decent living and I work part time. We have 2 sons, one who we just put through college, and another who we are currently helping through college. We have always been responsible with our money, we have a good retirement savings account, but we don’t have the means to financially support my parents, especially with one in college. I also feel like if I give my parents money, it’s basically just my sister’s issues trickling down to me and my family and becoming our problem, which I don’t agree with. This is a very emotional situation for me due to the complex feelings I have about my sister and the choices my parents have made. My dad was a very successful businessman and had a lot of money at one time, and now at 82 years old he is trying to become employed as a consultant. He told me that he needs to bring in about $9,000 a month to support himself and my mom. I have tried to have them set up a meeting with a financial advisor that my husband and I can be a part of but they keep pushing that off, with my dad saying he’s got job interviews and that it will all work out. I don’t want to insult him by insinuating that he’s not going to become employed, but he is 82 and he does have elderly mannerisms in the way he presents himself so I just think we need to be realistic about if that’s actually going to work out for him. I don’t want to treat my parents like children but if he really needs $9,000 a month in income then I can’t help but think that they are in a very serious financial situation that is going to become a very big problem for me and my husband pretty soon, and that we should be working on it now. I am pretty sure I will get no help at all from my sister and she is my only sibling so it’s all going to fall on me. I just don’t know what to do next but I feel like there is a sledgehammer above our heads that’s about to fall. I know this is a complicated situation, but being so emotionally involved I just don’t think I’m going to be able to make decisions clearly.
Remember that if their finances are private and none of your business (they don’t want disclose their income or spending information), their finances are private and none of your business (you can’t get involved with your time or money).
It is possible that their current housing expenses are competitive with whatever they would consider an acceptable replacement (taxes + insurance + maintenance + utilities vs. 2 bedroom downtown apartment). If they are competent, they get to decide where to move.
Lots of credit card debt may not make much difference either. They can stop paying. SS income is resistant to garnishment from most creditors. A bad credit score just makes it harder to borrow more.
When they ask for help, and it doesn’t sound like that has happened yet, then you can see how much they want you involved in their business. Until then, it’s fine to start a file of ideas on how to spend less, qualify for various programs, and get out of debt; file it and put it back out of your mind. I wouldn’t want to live on SS alone, but plenty of people do.
The only thing you would really need to act on without an invitation is if you believe they are mishandling money because cognitive decline is interfering with their IADLs.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/instrumental-activities-of-daily-living-defined-427370.htm
Once that is in place, you can put all their necessary bills online to manage payment from there. When you sit down with them, tell them they must agree to this plan to keep a roof over their head and utilities on.
One thing to remember if you leave them to their own devices to figure out the bills: They may continue to pick and choose what to pay each month and they may not choose the important bills. They need oversight