Saying goodbye to my Mom when siblings have turned her against me. Do I walk away now? - AgingCare.com

Saying goodbye to my Mom when siblings have turned her against me. Do I walk away now?

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I have been caregiver for my mom for several years. She had a fall and a subdural hematoma about 6 weeks ago. They performed surgery and I am not sure this was the right thing to do. She was sweet afterwards and now she is crazy. I think my siblings have turned her against me.

We met with the doctor and priest with hopes of discussing her care. Instead they went into attack mode. It was horrific and the doctor walked out. Then they put a 30 day eviction notice on the door (illegal-law is 60 days) which is fixed now. This past weekend my oldest brother POA threatened me with foul language on answering machine. Came over unannounced with 2 sisters. I called the police as well as the neighbor.

The 3 oldest siblings have taken over and it is horrible what they are doing. They cut her phone off with no referral. I am sure friends will think she is dead, and I found out today she was moved from the rehab and they told me they cannot tell me where she is. They said my mom did not want me to know! Unbelievable!

The last couple times I saw her she was mean and accusing me of things like using her money! I think they are feeding her this garbage.

These are siblings that did nothing for her and all came together after this fall. I have done everything for her and they complained I mooched off of her. I am so sick I could scream. Let me tell you about the tears I have shed over this.

My caregiver counselor who worked with mental health patients, said my family is crazy. Has anyone ever seen this type of behavior? All 6, that I know of have banded together. So sick.

I have been advised by many to walk away and say good bye to my mom. That was the plan, but now I have no idea where she is. I plan on packing up and leaving the country for awhile. All the years of taking care of her and this is what I get? I remember someone told me years ago, I would be blamed regardless. How can this happen? These people who I find it hard to believe I am related to are really sick puppies!

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I see it as blessing in disguise ! I would love for a sibling to take over
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I have just been through this very thing my mom has fallen 15 times on her back of her head and she has turned against me she had knee surgery in October of last year and she's just went downhill from there all of a sudden stealing everything she owned then my brother took over guardianship come behind me while she was in the hospital and took over everything evicted me from the house I'm taking care of my mom for  over 10 years and nobody else helped me and now my mom's in the hospital today so I know how you feel I feel lost but I still love my mom so I walked away today after going to see her because my aunt just attacked me with her mouth they're horrible and it is not my mom anymore she's just not her I still love her I know God is with her that's all we can do is pray thank you Jesus that my mom is going to have it and it's not going to be long
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We tend to think that we're the only ones with this problem and it's so refreshing to find out that we're not alone. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been going through the same situation with a toxic brother and sister-in-law. My brother is a control freak and would nix everything I tried to do for my mother over the years. I wanted desperately to be a part of caring for her from 1100 miles away but he had to control everything to prove himself. He was apathetic at best and nasty to me at the worst and for no reason. I tried hard to have a healthy relationship with my only sibling but he wasn't having it. When he finally had caregiver burnout, he and his wife lashed out at me, saying vile things as though I never cared for my mother. I've never been talked to like that and never did anything to deserve it. The truth is that he has never liked me and has resented me for moving away from our home town 35 years ago. He has never complimented me on anything, and is sarcastic about everything that I have accomplished. I don't expect praise by any means, but I am fed up with listening to someone who is supposed to love me, demeaning everything I've ever done. To make things worse, they both drink too much and get even nastier when they do. Sometimes with certain people your best is never going to be good enough and that's when you have to let go. It's hard but once you decide to put them behind you, it's an immense relief. That means not thinking about their treatment of you, their thoughts about you, and the mean things they've done and said to you over the years. I too have chosen to surround myself with positive people and forget that I was accidentally born into a dysfunctional family. I have confronted every aspect of it over time and have done all I can do. They want to live in denial and that's fine. I wish them well and as time passes I have fewer and fewer feelings about them. My mother is now in assisted living and is not having to deal with his gruffness and controlling behavior anymore. Since she developed dementia, she has replaced my late father with my brother and believes she is completely dependent on him - as she was my father - and that she must have him in her life...to the extent that she would never let me give her medication or take her to the store because "he will do it for me, he knows how". This is sad to me but again, it's something I have no control over and I have learned to let it be. We cannot choose our family, but we can choose the loved ones in our lives and I have been fortunate in finding the ones who truly matter and who know how to give and receive love. Blessings to you all.
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Thanks, Radiator for the update. I'm glad you were able to reconnect with your mom and that she was able to re-adjust her misguided views of you. No regrets or 'what ifs.' I'm glad you survived all this still intact. So we know it's possible with hard work, good therapy and great friends. And great attitude... I really do need to research on narcissism to prepare for the bumpy road ahead.... You take care.
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kristina7,

I wish you the best. We have no control over what other people think or do. They justify their behavior. My sibs are very sick. I have been told this by professionals. They stuck together like gang members. To me that shows how weak they are. All 6 of them.

Update: I did go see my mom when I returned to the U.S. last year. She had been brainwashed and they turned her against me. I was successful in getting her back and for that I am forever grateful. We got to spend some good times together, though she was not in the best of health and had issues with memory and dementia. But she was still strong willed. When I had an interaction with the rich brother and wife last New Years, I was asked what I was doing there at her assisted living. I told my sister in law she was my mother, not hers! They continued to try to bad mouth me to my mom, but she told me I could visit anytime and so could anyone who wanted. Here my mom could tell the difference from right and wrong.

Sadly I found her this past August with a UTI and delirious (where were the sibs who bragged about being the DPOA's?) She was admitted to the hospital for 9 days, rehab for 3 weeks and hospice 3 weeks. She passed just over 3 weeks ago. I am very saddened to have lost her. I did not get to see her for the 8 months after her fall because of them, but glad I got her back. I will forever miss her, but I know what I did for her and so did she. Realistically, they hated the close relationship we had, even though we had our issues. I also believe they are jealous of me and my lifestyle and freedom which they do not have by choice.

I attended the funeral mass is all. Not the reception or burial. I just could not be around them. They are sick, mean and have to live with how they treated me. I have to learn to forgive them but would never trust them (as they have small minds) and continue on with the life I have and with the support from my friends who were there for me.

The will is in probate, so will see what becomes of that. They changed the DPOA (I was second in line) and Executor while I was away and the control freak brother, who was not listed, somehow got the attorney to put him in as primary. So, most likely the will has been changed too,as there were threats if I did not do what they wanted. I do not care. Doubt there is much left anyhow, since he enjoyed spending her money. And if I get nothing, I will not contest it. I want no contact with these toxic people.

I wish you the best. Be strong because that is what it takes. Stand your ground and do not let them tear you down! In the end, they will pay.
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Thank you for sharing your story, I am sorry you went through this. I am going this now, reading this is great support. I hope everything turned out good for you
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Thanks...my journey is looking back and learning from the past. My sibs have no history in her aging and health. Only short visits for meals out and parties i was blatantly not invited to. The rich brother is the dictator and no one wants to stand up to him. He has ousted 2 other sibs in the past. They do not want to go there again nor do the others. Spineless jellyfish. Nazi gangsters! They have no problem living with themselves!

I am in a farawy place now listening to the crashing waves on the beach outside my door. I am grateful. I remind myself now. Things get better when one removes self from toxicity. Off for walk on beach.
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radiator 81,
Believe that you hit the nail on the head when you talk about them losing independence. Use to think that being an only child was bad until I found this site and saw that the one doing the most the parents and all their sisters and bothers turn against them. Sorry for your situation. I know it hurts when you know that you have done nothing wrong.
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126Cher,
My mom did the same. It hurts but looking back from afar, I realize so much of it is them losing independence. And easier to lash out to the one who is closest. In your situation, I can see it would be tough being only child.
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Don't know why this posted twice. Sorry
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