What can I say to my Mother who believes I'm keeping her from returning to her real home and instead am keeping her in a secondary residence? - AgingCare.com

What can I say to my Mother who believes I'm keeping her from returning to her real home and instead am keeping her in a secondary residence?

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Mom thinks I picked her up from home and brought her here where she doesn't want to be. We are in our real home but no amount of proof will convince her. She is sad that I'm "deceiving" her and won't return her to her family although I am her daughter and caregiver. I feel so sad that she's unhappy. How can I restore her trust and help her to relax in this her home rather than let her keep worrying about all her belongings she thinks we left at "home"?

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Nothing to add except a hug and sympathy. Is your mother losing her grip on who you are, too? That's really harsh, if she is. More hugs.
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Often, when Edna says she 'wants to go home,' she means she wants to go to bed (or her room). So, we gradually start her evening rituals to go to bed and she's satisfied. At other times, she thinks she supposed to go home to her father's house, and literally thinks she's only 15 years old or something. At which point, I offer her a hand mirror and ask who it is. It doesn't always fix the fixation with home and daddy, but it usually distracts her long enough that she doesn't get depressed. On the days that doesn't work, a Tylenol PM helps to sooth her. It's a level of agitation that is unpleasant for everyone.

The bottom line is .. there are many reasons for the fixation and frustration in our elders, and many potential solutions .. and many given here. Hope some of them help!
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Patti, this request to 'go home' is very common for people who have Alz. or some other form of dementia to ask. My mom frequently asked this until she hit the end-stage. She lived and died in the home where she had lived almost 45 years and yet she still asked to go home. I think the others are right...in that she may have remembered her childhood home,but usually, she just tried to break into our neighbor's house! :) Gently asking her what 'home' looked like was bound to either a. calm her down or b. start her yelling at me. I finally just started to tell her she would be going 'home' soon, and she did.....she died in January and is finally home.
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I completely agree with the answers you've already had.
My bil has started to ask about "going home" even though that's
where he is. I say "Mac, there was a leak in the pipes so we have
to get it fixed up. What was your favourite room when you were
a boy?"
This often gets him to chat away for awhile about places he remembers,
though he will keep returning to going home.
For a long while he kept asking (usually the middle of the night) if we'd
gone to his Mum's funeral. Each time I'd reassure him we had and talk
about who was there ext. One day I did all this then said, what was your
favourite thing your Mum cooked? Answer Pea & ham soup. I said ok shall
we make some tomorrow? He agreed.
We didn't make the soup and he's not asked about the funeral again.
That was 3 months ago, yet this question was at least daily/nightly for
weeks.
I think sometimes as well as looking for a home in memory, they are also
trying to ask a different question. So I'd recommend the answer re home,
ask about past home and then ask about something related to parents if
this not an unsafe topic.
But bare in mind this may be a question that just keeps needing an answer.
Good luck :~)
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I have found that any response that works is a good response. The trouble is that they often don't satisfy the dementia patient. And even if they do, they are prone to forget and you have to repeat the explanation over and over. So no answer is likely to work long term.

You might tell her that her home is having some repairs done and she can go home when it's completed and her belonging are safe and sound. But, she may forget that and continue to ask.

I think as Kimber stated above, the dementia patient may not be describing a physical place that still exist. She may be talking about her home from childhood or even to a feeling of comfort and peace. They call it going home, but it's more about comfort, not a physical address. So, it's difficult to provide these things.

There are dementia patients who are still in their home with all their belongings around them, but they still are upset and ask when they can go home. They even try to leave to go home. So, home is a place or emotion that may be intangible.

What I found helpful was getting my LO on an anti-anxiety medication, Cymbalta. It really helped her anxiety and she no longer worries about going anywhere. She is quite content. I might discuss meds with her doctor and see what he says.

The more you read about dementia, you will see that the mind of the dementia patient isn't likely to be capable of continuing to focus on things like trust, faith, planning, etc. The brain is damaged. So, our expectations of what we want for them to process mentally is not really realistic. We have to accept their limitations and understand that dementia patients are often distraught, anxious and suspicious.

Obtaining contentment is a challenge and if you can find it, you are fortunate.
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I assume your mom has dementia? She might be referring to her childhood home or some other place as her "home". From other posts with similar questions - i don't think you will be able to reason with her. Maybe say "soon" and ask her to talk about her home? kind of distract her? I'm sure you will get better responses than mine.
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