What do you say to your very, very independent Mom who's dying?

Agree with her. Say how sorry you are that the transition to heaven (or whatever she is envisioning after death) is so difficult, that you wish there was some way you could make it easier, that you love her -- etc. Whatever is in your heart at this time.

Is Mom on hospice? It's purpose is to make the final journey a little easier for the patient and the family. If Mom isn't using that service it might be something to consider.

I am faced with the same situation. It is very difficult to answer, I don't know if you are a faith filled family - we always differ her situation to the Lord. Mom has been battling stage 4 cancer for years. We focus on the things she can do and ask God for understanding and patience for the things she can't do. We sometimes have the habit of changing the subject when a person who is dying talks about it - Don't. Allow her to talk, that way she wont' feel all alone on this journey. Cry about it later. Comfort with out being preachy. Make her laugh, sometimes make her laugh about herself.

Tell her everything you love about her, everything you know you will miss, everything you're proud of - keep talking, or just be there, and be strong for her. You will have time for yourself later. Hold tight. God (or whatever you personally have faith in) bless you.

Tell her you love her. Remind her of the the good times you've shared. Tell her they won't be forgotten. And record as many of her memories as you can. You will miss them when she's gone.

My sympathies to you and mom. What do you say to anyone who is dying, what do you say to anyone whom has lost someone they cherish? There are no words, there is no solace for the loss, sometimes just being there holding each other, loving them in the day is all you can do. We only have one day, today, so live it the best way possible and cherish it, let go of anything else.

Love her and play her favorite music. That can lift her spirits and give her solace. Music is great comfort.

So sorry.. Just hold her hand and let her know you care..

So difficult, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes I would just lie next to dad when he was in this state... he didn't want to be alone. We said "I love love," a million times. I expressed how proud I was that he was my dad, and what a great difference he has made in my life. We reminisced and I assured him that mom and I would be alright, I would take care of her, this was important to him. He went through a range of emotions from fear, to acceptance. Our company was the most important thing... sharing in this great transition.

All of the above comments are good. Also, very, very independent people tend to have lived their lives on their own terms, feeling that they haven't needed God. Yet, when they are this close to death, He is the only one who can truly give them some peace in the dying process. I would ask her if she is open to calling a pastor (priest, Rabbi, whatever is the case) to talk to her and if she is, give them some alone time together so she can freely talk and ask questions without looking 'weak' to her family. If she has already done this, read some accounts of people who have actually experienced heaven and come back to tell about it so you can paint a glorious picture of heaven and what she has to look forward to, and remind her of the beauty and peace there whenever she is experiencing anxiety. If she is not too weak physically, ask her what she might like to make sure is done before she goes. My sister made her own picture boards for her funeral - I taped a conversation with my grandmother about what she could remember of her childhood in Ireland so I could forever hear her Irish brogue - some like to make sure a list of who gets what is in place - anything that might make her feel somewhat still in charge of her life might help, if she is able.

When my mom takes the time to tell me how hard or scary something is, I stop what I'm doing to listen to her.She is also a fiercly independent person and doesn't like to "complain" very often, so listening to her say these things doesn't happen that often.

So, I stop what I'm doing, sit down with her and listen. And, I just listen, mainly. When it's something where I can see how hard it is for her, I'll say that. When I think it sounds like a scary thing, I'll tell her that I can understand why it's so scary to her. Never do I tell her that "things will be allright." Just because she's sick doesn't mean she wants to be treated like a child or talked down to, so I try to be careful not to do that, although I sometimes feel like I want to do that (for me more than for her, I suspect).

One more thing I should add is that we sometimes skirt around issues more for ourselves and out of a sense of delicacy than for the other person, but don't always realize it, and it's hard to know, sometimes.

When my mother got cancer some years ago, she called it "C" and rather coyly told us she found out she had "C" and pointed to her breast. So, we all started talking about "C" and with a moment of hesitation before we said "C."

After a while, I started feeling a bit silly about this. One day, when Mom was talking about upcoming treatments in a kind of matter-of-fact manner, I asked us why she was calling it "C." I told her that if it bothered her to say the word, I'd keep calling it that, but that if she was doing it to make the rest of us feel better, that it wasn't necessarily.

She laughed. She said she wasn't sure how we'd feel if she said "Cancer" to us, so she just hinted strongly so we'd figure it out and, then, never got up the courage to see if we were okay with just using the word "Cancer" but that the word "Cancer" didn't actually bother her and was just easier than hinting around at it all. We were all relieved.

Bottom line: You kind of have to know the person and see what the situation brings. It is different for everyone.

Listen, hold her hand, agree that it's hard and if she has faith that the spirit lives without pain, let her know that you are certain you'll always feel her with you.
Blessings to you both,
Carol

... I tell my loved ones that I'm always with them, and that I'm right beside them... That we live on... energy never dies... nor, does the spirit... Also, that I'm no different that they are and I will have to go through the same thing...

(I 'still' feel my father's presence today, and he's been gone for 40 yrs...)

oh been there not only personally but professionally..it is not easy..you will go through many stages of grief..talk about memories ,pleasant ones, talk about anything she wants to.Scrapbooks are great memories, pictures anything pleasant.taping memories and thoughts are wonderful ideas.Even a DVD of family and friends..great idea people who have gone to heaven and back ..so she is not scared of the process.Hold her hand,hugs allot of hugs..God bless

Please know I understand how hard this is. I had the privilege of caring for my Father whom I loved dearly. He told me he was not afraid of death as such (he had a strong faith and looked forward to heaven) he was however concerned about the process. I think perhaps that is what your Mom is saying??? I assured him I would do everything I could to keep him comfortable and warm and clean. Those things were important to him. My son who is a nurse came and helped me and we were able to keep him comfortable and warm and clean!!! Respect her wishes and let her know you love her. Daddy died peacefully in his own bed with a smile on his face. take care and God bless!

Your mother is very fortunate to have you for her daughter. As difficult as this time may be for both of you, find the golden nuggets in it....(My mother was killed suddenly in an auto accident at age 56.) I agree with the previous posts with one exception. One or two seem to imply that you should not cry along with your mother. I respectfully disagree. I would say that is not necessary for you to withhold your tears until a later time. Sometimes, crying together can be a very healing experience. Don't be afraid that your tears will upset your mother. She's already in a degree of distress and so are you. I would say that if the two of you can allow a free sharing of ALL your feelings, that could be helpful. Tears are NOT a sign of weakness or loss of control. Strong people have strong feelings. Also, I heard once that people who are dying need to hear, (1) I love you; (2) I forgive you; (3) Please forgive me; (4) It's okay to go; (5) Good-bye. Blessings to both you and to your mom and to your entire family. GT~

Such beautiful answers. There is no more meaningful time for us to do our best to share and show love, than this time, when we know someone we love is approaching death. I didn't have close parents growing up, and so, in my later work in elder care, I found myself grateful for some of my elders, and with ongoing visits I grew very fond and familiar with some of them. With a treasured elder who died at 106, I worked overnights, and thus had many occasions to keep her company, and listen to her expectations. As some here have described - she had been independent in her life, and was not sure she believed in heaven. I agreed with her, that we really don't know for sure, but that it is clear from the nature of this always-growing universe, that some growing process is responsible for our lives here. So it is possible that there is a heaven,even if we do not know, and there may not be. But I assured her that whatever meaning there is, she had brought love and encouragement to so many, she has done a great job, and she is in good favor of any possibilities that are ahead. I believe this is true of everyone, for everyone has moments in their lives, when they saw a kindness needed, and they gave it. I don't believe it's necessary to evaluate how often, or any mistakes, for misunderstandings are rampant as a changing world evolves. So my elder lady was comforted by the fact that I heard her worry, understood how she could feel, and also reaffirmed that she had made a huge difference to many, including me.

You tell her you love her, you hold her hand and you sit with her for as long as you can when you visit, often without saying a word. She needs your presence. Yeah, it's hard! It stinks. But she needs this. You do too; you will be so glad in your heart that you were there while she was slipping away.

I agree with you graceterry, my Daddy knew how much I loved him, and we did cry together at times. Bless his heart he had a good sense of humor and the last time my sister's and I were together with him, my older sister said Dad you need to tell us the big deep dark family secret. Just this quick (I am snapping my fingers) Daddy replied honey, your adopted!!! I think you need to cry and laugh and love each other as long as you can!!! When I was caring for my Grandfather years ago I got up with him one night and he said to me Lassie sit down and he patted the bed. I sat beside him and he told me how good God had been to him and how grateful he was for his life. He also said to me what will become of my Mary (my dear Grandma) I told him then I love you but I love Grandma too, and I told him I would take care of her! I was able to take care of her and she told me that she would tell Poppa I kept my promise. I am telling you this to tell you, cherish your time. These are precious memories to me!!! take care and God Bless!

First are both of you Christians if you are? Then you hold her hand and you help her realize that before is hard toa ccept , but once you get to heaven it is beautiful and wonderful and peaceful. I died and came back. I know when the time comes for my mom to die it will be hard for me to andI try not to think about it. She is my best friend too. Kahune it will be hard, but cherish every moment you have with her and keep telling her you love her. Tell when she gets to heaven she will have a new body, and she will have no pain. I am here for you if you want to talk to me. We are all here for you. Just remember Jesus will be with her. Take pictures of her and you doing thinks together and put them in a book. She will always look after you and you can always talk to her when she is gone. When the time comes for her to go home help her across the bridge and tell her its okay for her to go. I will have to tell my mom the same thing when she is ready to go. Pami

What is your mom saying to you? What does B represent to her? The process of dying?
How are you doing? Your mom has been your best friend. It must be so very difficult for you. Love and prayers

I held my dad, played his favorite songs, ( Merle Haggard) told him I loved him and how proud I was for his service to his country. Told him I'd take care of my youngest brother who is in prison.

I work with hospice patients and had many dying in my arms. You can't get used to it. The first one passed away in my facility left scar on my heart. All other who passed away after him made it deeper and bigger.
Though I learned that those who are very independent and do not have a memory problems, usually struggle accepting death. Some feel responsible for children, some feel if their death will hurt family/friends, some think about something they should finish before they go. In the time when death is inevitable, I comfort them by saying that it's OK to go.... I sometimes ask what is there holding them from leaving painful/uncomfortable existence. I invite somebody spiritual (hospice) to visit and talk to my dying residents. Sometimes that person is waiting for family member to arrive and I offer to convey the message if there is one. I write down their last wishes and promise to follow up on them. And I hold their hands if family members are not available.... that's want I do.

How old is your mother?

What is it she doesn't like about the B part of your equation?

After caring for many dying patients, I have found that the most important thing is to have someone who will listen to them. We often think that we need to give a response, but that is not necessary. Frequently, just sitting quietly with your Mom will be helpful. One of the greatest fears of a dying person is the fear of isolation.

death is not the end but the beginning. If you believe in Jesus then it is the beginning.
The B probably is the before you die and what happens. Pami

Being half Irish and having a sense of "gallows humor" I kissed Nana, who lay quietly in bed, and whispered in her ear "Where's the money?" and she sat up and replied "I don't have any. That's why I'm not afraid to die."

People do end up saying stupid things. I know a man who gathered his siblings to stand vigil. One of the younger sons asked mom if he could have her dining room set. Her eyes flew open wide and she turned to her oldest son and said "Burn the f**king thing."

I sat with my favorite Aunt on the night she died and held her hand. I asked her to make some of her german potato salad and recited the recipe and told her how good it was. I know she heard me. I offered to get her a beer, too. Just ordinary conversation. It helped.

Let her know that she will never be forgotten by those who knew and loved her.