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i have been married 3yrs, At 6mon. we were in a car accadent i was in a WC for 1yr. just when i was starting to feel better my FIL started going down hill. the MIL is in the NH she had a stroke 7yrs ago.so i feel like i take care of the entire family. anyway i will get to the point. my MIL sister is having a party this weekend for her and her husbands 60 wedding anniv. I got a van with a lift,Dr. ok,new outfit. im even having her hair cut and colored. the only problem with my plan is that i need my husbands help. he tells me last nit that he cant make it. he is going HUNTTING

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Your husband is a bore!!! He should suck it up and attend the party as this is his large family event and for the sake of his parents and aunt and uncle. Its one thing to excuse yourself from attending early on; but to let such extensive plans go forward and then say you will "go hunting" is totally unacceptable.

You haven't been married long, but I would certainly speak up as you have last night and now while you are calmer; tell him outright your feelings, and that he is hurting his FIL and MIL, aunt and uncle. Further, that the burden of care and managing FIL/MIL is falling to you and going forward you expect more hands on involvement from him.

I don't know if there is another side to this such as "husband told you in the first place he didn't want to go and advised you not to go to all the trouble" -- but being that you are a good person and thought in-laws would enjoy it you proceeded anyway....-- if that is the case, then you might have to eat your words....

Regardless, for the sake of your marriage and caregiving going forward; while you are calm, ask him to sit down and have an honest conversation over coffee, glass of wine, dessert, whatever and tell him how you feel and openly discuss both your expectations for future caregiving and care managing of the inlaws or others in the family (including your own parents or loved ones) should the time come.
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FW4, WE care. :) We get you totally.
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assandache7 your right. i guess thats why im so mad. i do feel like a doormat. its like everybodyelse is going on with there lives and mine just stopped 2yrs ago and nobody cares
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I wouldn't apologize to someone who makes me feel like a doormat...
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yes he knew about the party 3 wks ago and i have been telling him everything ive been doing. he can go deer hunting anytime he wants to. he has his own land 5min. away. he told me last nit he was going to go now. i dont no way i am still so mad
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I still can't get past wanting to know what this man has to say for himself. It's his aunt's diamond wedding, for heaven's sake, and she's asking him to eat lunch with her, not wrestle tigers.
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Why apologize? Go without him - that is if you want to. It would be a shame to waste all that beautification and new clothes. Some one else in the family can help you. Your husband needs to know just what you are dealing with, it is his family after all. You may owe your FIL an apology he did not do anything wrong. Hubby owes you one for bailing out or maybe you knew from the beginning or previous experience that he would not support you. If you set all this up in an effort to make him pull his weight for once you were barking up the wrong tree. Think very carefully about your future with this man. You have arranged this outing and people will be disappointed if you don't go through with it so don't cheat them out of an enjoyable party, just make sure you don't get yourself in this situation again.
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As someone who blew up several times during his caregiving experience, I know the regret you feel after blowing up, while feeling justified for being angry at the same time.

I always apologized for how I handled the situation. I made it clear however that I was NOT sorry for how I felt. By phrasing it like that, I feel you apologize for the mistake you made without backing down from your position.
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What JG said. All of it.
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I understand your feelings....exactly! I have had to apologize to my husband for the way I respond to him regarding MIL, FIL actions when I tried to fix, in court, their bad choices, over and over again, then I thought why am I "reporting" to him.....he should be there, not me!! I cared for MIL until she found another place to live (they are divorced but were sharing house) and it was a horrible 10 months and all the while I was going through chemo. I don't get it--but it was a great distraction from my side effects.
Here is where I was making my mistakes: I needed to remember that my husband was raised by these people so this is normal to him....not to me, so I react differently to this ridiculousness.
Did your MIL baby your husband? In some families the woman will run everything while men just go about their business, the boys never are "schooled" on how to be an involved husband. That's not an excuse for poor husbandry, just another way for you to understand he probably is just blind to your needs and his lack of involvement.
My husband felt like it was easier to stay out of the way and when he got really honest with himself he admitted that he just didn't want to deal with it.
I stopped going to their house (which is my husband's house that they bailed on taxes on) and when MIL was left to her own devices she did exactly what I said all along....she's thriving as a survivor instead of living as a victim.
Working, driving, living!!
Either put your foot down, clearly, calmly and lovingly.....walk away from the deep involvement of care giving (ie: husband's responsibility)......or live with it.
I'll be thinking about you and your family and please never forget how important your role as "wife" is and that it is a partnership.
I now enjoy talking with MIL instead of dreading it and it feels good.
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Get someone else attending the party to help you. Clearly he did not want to go, or he thinks she's not up to it. He is being passive-aggressive, can't talk you out of it, so he just walks away. Obviously he is having a hard time seeing his parents go down hill. Maybe he would have agreed to it if you just brought the FIL. He doesn't want to see everyone pity his mother and stare at her in her present state. Hope you can get him to open up.
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Good grief. Sometimes grown-ups have to do things they don't think are much fun, like going to work, tolerating small children or, indeed, caring for their spouses' in-laws. We're talking of a sacrifice of a few hours, tops, giving his own aunt and uncle their due respect and eating lunch. I think 'grow up' is probably the operative phrase, here.
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Diamond Wedding, even - I'm so sorry! But all the more so, then...
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Farmer's Wife, perhaps you might want to apologize for blowing up, but you do not need to apologize for being angry. Did your hubby KNOW about this party and agree to go before you made all of these arrangements? This is HIS family, after all. Or did you proceed with arrangements EXPECTING that he would go without actually knowing that he would go?

My husband HATES these types of events and would prefer to have a root canal rather than attend - especially if it's MY family (my family doesn't drink - his family is a bunch of alcoholics). I would never assume he wanted to go to something unless I specifically ASKED him if we were going to go.

Is this hunting trip an annual thing (like deer season) or is it something he could do anytime?
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Captain, you raise a good point. Some people wouldn't want to attend that kind of party even if their only alternative was a root canal. And that is OK. That is the kind of thing couples work out among themselves over time. Usually compromise is involved.

However, it is incredibly immature and insulting to spring the hunting trip on farmerswife4 at the last minute, after all the time-consuming prep is done. Now MIL has a new dress and a new hairdo and a van has been obtained and everyone is looking forward to a very special party and NOW he mentions that he won't be going? Sorry, dude, that is just not acceptable ... not acceptable behavior toward his parents, and certainly not acceptable behavior as a husband. In my opinion, the least he can do at this point is arrange some help so his mother can honor her sister's special event.

One of my granddaughters married an I-hate-parties guy. She was apologizing that he wouldn't be coming to some family event. I emailed her back and said as long as Pete was a good husband and a good father, he didn't have to be a good party-goer as far as I was concerned. That was for them to work out. They have. In the long run, this might be something farmerswife4 and her Husband need to work out, if it is an issue for them.

But in the short run, Husband needs to take responsibility for his wife and parents to attend that party, whether he chooses to attend or not!
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I'm pissed off on your behalf.

Yes, Husband needs his play time. You need some play time, too. And those are issues the two of you need to discuss without anger and come up with some ways each of you can have some personal time off as well as some time together as a couple.

Meanwhile, if he is not going to be available to help you get his mother and father to the party, he needs to arrange for someone else to help you. Finding a personal care attendant to work on a weekend on such short notice may not be easy, but it needs to be done and he is the one who needs to do it. Or he could decide to cut his hunting weekend short and do the right thing.

Sometimes in anger we say things we regret. If that is the case, sure, apologize. But don't apologize for being angry.

Your marriage has unfortunately gotten off to a rocky start, hasn't it? To save your marriage as well as your sanity you and Husband need to work together toward better arrangements for care of his family. It may be helpful to get some marriage counseling. That's a long term approach. Short term, insist that he arrange for or provide some help in getting his parents to the party.
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I don't think Mr Farmer has collected as much alternative good karma as you have, Captain. If he really can't bear the Golden Wedding itself (don't forget his uncle's got to put up with it too) he can always stand outside.
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serious. they look like fish in spectacles. their spectacles have three lenses. something just aint right with em.
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id rather eat glass than to attend a party of any sort. your husband may just not be a very sociable person but i hope he appreciates what your doing and helps in other ways.
my family threw a 75th b-day party for my mother a few years ago. as the date approached she could sense how much i dreaded such a gathering with the fish faced relatives and she excused me in advance from attending the party. she excused me from her funeral in advance too. i showed my love with homemade bread and broccoli chowder-- every day.
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I understand their me-time needs. I understand the critical role that male bonding activities play in their mental health. However.

This is his mother you're taking to join in his auntie's celebration. You have made all the arrangements. You have done all the work. All he has to do is: turn up. And all of a sudden he has a prior engagement? Come on, you're kidding.

I'm dying to know: what did you say that you think you should still apologise for?!
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can you believe it. i take care ofFIL 16hrs 7day wk. full assisit care no one else in the family helps husband works full time job but i guess he thinks he still needs his play time IT PISSES ME OFF
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I'm not sure I'm reading this right...YOU take care of the FIL? What about your husband? It's HIS father. Why isn't HE taking care of him? What does he do for a living? Does he help you with the FIL? What's wrong with the FIL? Did you take care of the MIL, too? And now he's bailing out of the party and won't help you get there?
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You. Are. Kidding. Me.

Aren't you????!!!!
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