Should I say I'm sorry to my husband and FIL for blowing up last night? - AgingCare.com

Should I say I'm sorry to my husband and FIL for blowing up last night?

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i have been married 3yrs, At 6mon. we were in a car accadent i was in a WC for 1yr. just when i was starting to feel better my FIL started going down hill. the MIL is in the NH she had a stroke 7yrs ago.so i feel like i take care of the entire family. anyway i will get to the point. my MIL sister is having a party this weekend for her and her husbands 60 wedding anniv. I got a van with a lift,Dr. ok,new outfit. im even having her hair cut and colored. the only problem with my plan is that i need my husbands help. he tells me last nit that he cant make it. he is going HUNTTING

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Your husband is a bore!!! He should suck it up and attend the party as this is his large family event and for the sake of his parents and aunt and uncle. Its one thing to excuse yourself from attending early on; but to let such extensive plans go forward and then say you will "go hunting" is totally unacceptable.

You haven't been married long, but I would certainly speak up as you have last night and now while you are calmer; tell him outright your feelings, and that he is hurting his FIL and MIL, aunt and uncle. Further, that the burden of care and managing FIL/MIL is falling to you and going forward you expect more hands on involvement from him.

I don't know if there is another side to this such as "husband told you in the first place he didn't want to go and advised you not to go to all the trouble" -- but being that you are a good person and thought in-laws would enjoy it you proceeded anyway....-- if that is the case, then you might have to eat your words....

Regardless, for the sake of your marriage and caregiving going forward; while you are calm, ask him to sit down and have an honest conversation over coffee, glass of wine, dessert, whatever and tell him how you feel and openly discuss both your expectations for future caregiving and care managing of the inlaws or others in the family (including your own parents or loved ones) should the time come.
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FW4, WE care. :) We get you totally.
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assandache7 your right. i guess thats why im so mad. i do feel like a doormat. its like everybodyelse is going on with there lives and mine just stopped 2yrs ago and nobody cares
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I wouldn't apologize to someone who makes me feel like a doormat...
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yes he knew about the party 3 wks ago and i have been telling him everything ive been doing. he can go deer hunting anytime he wants to. he has his own land 5min. away. he told me last nit he was going to go now. i dont no way i am still so mad
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I still can't get past wanting to know what this man has to say for himself. It's his aunt's diamond wedding, for heaven's sake, and she's asking him to eat lunch with her, not wrestle tigers.
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Why apologize? Go without him - that is if you want to. It would be a shame to waste all that beautification and new clothes. Some one else in the family can help you. Your husband needs to know just what you are dealing with, it is his family after all. You may owe your FIL an apology he did not do anything wrong. Hubby owes you one for bailing out or maybe you knew from the beginning or previous experience that he would not support you. If you set all this up in an effort to make him pull his weight for once you were barking up the wrong tree. Think very carefully about your future with this man. You have arranged this outing and people will be disappointed if you don't go through with it so don't cheat them out of an enjoyable party, just make sure you don't get yourself in this situation again.
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As someone who blew up several times during his caregiving experience, I know the regret you feel after blowing up, while feeling justified for being angry at the same time.

I always apologized for how I handled the situation. I made it clear however that I was NOT sorry for how I felt. By phrasing it like that, I feel you apologize for the mistake you made without backing down from your position.
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What JG said. All of it.
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I understand your feelings....exactly! I have had to apologize to my husband for the way I respond to him regarding MIL, FIL actions when I tried to fix, in court, their bad choices, over and over again, then I thought why am I "reporting" to him.....he should be there, not me!! I cared for MIL until she found another place to live (they are divorced but were sharing house) and it was a horrible 10 months and all the while I was going through chemo. I don't get it--but it was a great distraction from my side effects.
Here is where I was making my mistakes: I needed to remember that my husband was raised by these people so this is normal to him....not to me, so I react differently to this ridiculousness.
Did your MIL baby your husband? In some families the woman will run everything while men just go about their business, the boys never are "schooled" on how to be an involved husband. That's not an excuse for poor husbandry, just another way for you to understand he probably is just blind to your needs and his lack of involvement.
My husband felt like it was easier to stay out of the way and when he got really honest with himself he admitted that he just didn't want to deal with it.
I stopped going to their house (which is my husband's house that they bailed on taxes on) and when MIL was left to her own devices she did exactly what I said all along....she's thriving as a survivor instead of living as a victim.
Working, driving, living!!
Either put your foot down, clearly, calmly and lovingly.....walk away from the deep involvement of care giving (ie: husband's responsibility)......or live with it.
I'll be thinking about you and your family and please never forget how important your role as "wife" is and that it is a partnership.
I now enjoy talking with MIL instead of dreading it and it feels good.
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