I am trying to figure out what to say or do without creating a feeling of disrespect in terms of driving.

Follow
Share

Such angst.He can no longer find his way on roads infrequently traveled. His world is shrinking. He thinks he can, but obviously he cannot remember routes that should be familiar. It angers him when I insist on driving or have someone else drive us.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
25

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
Okay, this is what should happen---#1 Remove the person's DL, #2 Take the vehicle keys away or #3 the individual may have a vehicular manslaughter charge.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Doctors and the DMV are really not any help. There are no laws in place and there should be. I know a police officer who couldn't even take his Mom's keys legally. Here in NJ the person has to have an accident and Alzheimers/Dementia has to be shown the cause. So, they either kill themselves or someone else before anything is done. Moms neurologist sat down in front of her, looked her in the eye and explained that because of her neuropathy she would never know when she would not be able to stop a car.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I was always taught to be respectful of elders and especially parents, grandparents, etc. I try to abide by that teaching as best I can, however, I know that eventually, I may have to intervene if my dad becomes unable to drive safely. He's fine now, as I regularly ride with him and am very observant, but, so far, he's still quite alert, sharp and safe. HOWEVER, if problems arise, I'm prepared to do whatever I have to do to stop the driving...EVEN if he gets angry, dislikes me, says I'm mean, etc. At some point, safety becomes more important than his or my hurt feelings. I'll just take the blame, if need be. I don't want to blame it on the doctor, since he has a good relationship with his doctor and I wan that to remain. So, I guess it'll me and DMV who are to blame, but, that's okay.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I live in a rural area. Recently a 71 year old man pulled off a side road onto the county highway and went head-on into a loaded car carrier. Is it really worth the risk to let them drive? Not only will you lose Grandpa, but Grandma will lose the farm when the other party sues and wins. Everything they worked for all their lives, gone in a flash.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Here in Minnesota a family member or a doctor can alert the DMV about someone's impaired driving and the DMV sends a letter to have them come in for a driving test. To be able to take the behind-the-wheel part, they need a note from their doctor saying they are able to drive. My friend's eye doctor alerted the DMV--not because of vision problems, but because of dementia problems. His regular doctor equivocated by saying he needs further evaluation and the DMV told me they don't do evaluations. If I wanted that, I should go to Courage Center where they do evaluations. It was a 3 hour exam, with the first part at a computer being presented different driving scenarios and being asked to make a response. The next part was one hour behind the wheel. My friend made a lot of mistakes and they would not give him an o.k. Without the driving test, revocation was automatic. But, my friend and his wife continued to drive and would not give me their keys, so I phoned adult protective services. They sent a lady out to their condo to evaluate them. When she learned they were still driving to get the groceries, she asked if they remembered their licenses were revoked. Big surprise. Then she asked the husband what he thought they should do with their minivan if neither could drive. He responded "Sell it!" At that point he gave up the keys and I moved their car to a friends garage to get it ready to sell. Two months later, we got an early phone call one morning from our friend who was exclaiming their cars were gone! They hadn't had two for about 3 years and none for the past two months, but all that was forgotten.
We explained everything again, and that was the end of it. I took them shopping and to their appointments, etc. until they had to go to Assisted Living/Memory Care when they could no longer live safely on their own.
You can ask Adult Protective Services for advice, too, as they are used to dealing with this issue. I am grateful I had phoned them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I understand your desire to be respectful and sensitive. It is also important to realize the degree of cognitive awareness - and the safety of and for self and others. In many cases, the response including anger and frustration cannot be avoided. A person is losing a huge amount of independence and they often will 'fight till the end' to hold on to it. Some at this stage of life do not understand the risks involved to self or others - as they feel they can and are doing 'just fine.' Expressing how much you love them and reaffirming "I hear you" - repeating that you understand what they are saying, with respect, must be weighed with setting clear boundaries for the safety of everyone, even if they do not understand. I find that changing the subject and/or not continue in a spiral of verbal exchange is best. I am a care manager, not a family member-I know it is very different and challenging for family members to manage these things-so much history and feelings are always intertwined in expressing concerns and how to express caring while setting needed boundaries.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Here is my feeling about getting people to give up their car and driving. This is a horrible emotional issue. To some people, like me, it is everything because it means we can take care of ourselves and we can go where we have to go when we want to go - INDEPENDENCE AND SELF RESPECT. If you as a caretaker cannot allow the patient to drive any longer, then there is ONE SIMPLE SOLUTION.......YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, ASSURE THE PATIENT THAT TRANSPORTATION WILL BE AVAILABLE AT ALL TIMES SO THEY CAN CONTINUE TO GET OUT. I see this as the ONLY solution, plus doctor's input, etc., to solve the problem. I know for me - I have no family and do not know a soul where I now live - I will never, ever give up my car. It is my means to keep my sanity - to go places, get out and eat, take rides, be a "human" being. But thank god, I am an excellent driver (which people tell me all the time if they come and visit - they ask me to drive to where we are going). Unless I know I have the means to get a ride (and so far it has been l00% impossible to get a ride, even in two medical emergencies, I will never, ever give up my car. What I am trying to say is that you CANNOT TAKE SOMETHING AWAY FROM SOMEONE UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING AND ABLE TO PROVIDE THEM WITH A SUITABLE ALTERNATIVE THAT PROVIDES THE SAME END. I just don't see any other way - but you could take their keys away and just put yourself into the driver's seat if you need to go somewhere with them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

For all of us..... My daughter called one day, she said the radio talk host suggested everyone have a talk with their parents on what will they do when they can no longer drive. Sooo she was having "the talk" with me. My husband and I are fortunate in that we live in town. I told her, assuming my mind was ok, I could take Dial-A-Ride, Uber, Taxi, City bus which is 1-1/2 blocks from home, get one of those little scooters, our town even has a special senior/handicapped bus. Oh, I can take shuttle and plane to kids houses. She said she figured I had a plan.
I have been driving for almost 70 years. I tell everyone I was born in Los Angeles with a steering wheel in my hand. But, I know my time will come when I am not safe on the road. All of us need to think about Edna's problem. What will we do?
Edna, is there public transportation where he lives? Not as easy or convenient but doable. I wish you the best, not easy,
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I read the article and beg to disagree about talking to your parent, based upon my experience with my father (94 and still driving). He is still alert and quite able to pass a driving test, but he realizes someday he will not be able to drive any longer. At that point, it's best to have his doctor, whom my father respects, tell him to hand over the keys and stop driving. Even if they are mentally Sharp, they physically may have limitations in strength, speed and reacting... so, if that becomes an issue, you must think of other people safety as well as your parent's.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

In addition to the DMV procedures above, you can dis-engage/have a piece of the inner workings of the car removed so it won't start. This is easier than I am indicating; I don't know the part. However, a person can't drive without it. Best to remove yourself and let MDs and DMV be the 'bad guys.'
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.