What to do when you are the sandwich generation? Moved dad in after mom died. daughter and SIL moved in (temporarily). Now alliances are being formed........ OK, sure I get grumpy. I went from empty nest to doing "the right thing" and now they seem to be ganging up on me. Daughter is good with dad which I am glad for but after being away for 3 days on business its like all of a sudden he and they are like cooking (for them) and doing all sorts of things and buddy buddy, all of a sudden. I try I really try, I work at least 6 days a week sometimes 2 jobs a day. I work my butt off to put food and everything on the table. It irks me when I get home and it gets thrown in my face and then they come in and play buddy buddy and ignore us.I try to be nice, I cook, I shop, I provide.... I don't ask for the $5,000 I am owed for a car they bought from me that I have not seen a dime for. Not sure what he has been telling them, it is the same reaction I have gotten from the rest of the family who now does not talk to me. I talked with a friend in the similar situation and he experienced the same where dad tells one thing and reality is the other. I don't mid helping but I will be darned if I have to figure out alliances in my own home...It was pretty bad with my wife and I did not want to come home after 3 days away..... to our own home.....We have had discussions about certain things, excessive drinking, not respecting us, ignoring us, getting mad when I correct your dog who just ate my remotes, shoes, peed or chewed on my carpets,etc......... Hey it's our home, you chose to stay with us not the other way around......anyone else experience this? Dad has his own large living room (for one person, 4 share our living room), large bedroom and has to share the hall bath.... yeah, living here is hell.....
Yesterday I took dad with me on a business trip north for the day so he could see the fall colors. I took him out to lunch, it was OK. He stayed in the car while I had one short meeting. After which I had another meeting and told him to come in with me. As we are getting out of the car he gets a call from his sister. I go into my meeting, then 15 minutes later he comes into the office.... OK, I did invite him. He is quiet while I do my presentation. Then his cell phone rings.... right there at the table he answers it! It was a butt dial so he didn't talk except for the 3 "hellos?"I held my composure....... I finished my meeting (luckily I know the people so it wasn't a problem). So as they say no good deed goes unpunished....
I try to be nice, I try to help and it seems that it comes back on me two fold. Last night I made the comment about 3 dogs worth of poop needs to be picked up, "when it stops raining I will do it", it is expected to rain for the next 4 days.....
It just seems no one cares..... No time line to look for a place. No time line to get a part time job (dad) just to keep busy. No thought process when I have to give him money so he can go to see family for the holiday and on a hunting trip and buy all the food for camp (he doesn't leave camp now but he can shop and cook there)....... He can use up all my pantry items for church food and I am expected to replace it all..... I just get frustrated, I do say things, I do tell people but it all goes in one ear and out the other.
I just want my house back..... No while I am trying to work the kids dog is barking and no one says anything. And it's 9 am, one is just getting up on his day off.... I've been up since 5.
Or this thread. Same issues. Different words.
All the previous answers are right on the money (pun intended). One thing I didn't get. If you have a wife, what does your she say? Is she on the same page with you? If she wants them there, you have another problem that only counseling or divorce can solve.
Why is your dad with you? Is he unable to care for himself? If he is just living with you so he isn't alone, it is time to get him into a senior apartment or assisted living. Maybe he will find a new girlfriend.
If you don't want the others there, don't collect rent, that gives them more legal status, just tell them they have to find someplace else to live. Hire a company that specializes in evictions. It is worth the money. Depending on the state, they may have legal rights to stay in your house, and have to be evicted.
Tell them to start paying for the car or you will repo it.
Get tough.
I have been both the child and sandwich person and as soon as my kids were out of the house, so was I. I left my mother and husband "living together". Actually, one was upstairs, the other in an apartment downstairs. It was horrible for me. They were together in driving me out of the house. I went and I still remember the first morning I woke up, sleeping on the floor of my furnitureless apartment, I felt like someone had let me out of jail. No house was worth my sanity.
My therapist (I know, not something you want to do yourself) once suggested looking at blog or diary entries and replace my name and other family members' names with random names. Then read what occurred as if it happened to someone else. It really highlights how we get sucked into situations that we would NEVER tell someone else to accept. Your difficulty is NOT being sandwich generation. Your difficulty is being part of a dysfunctional family dynamic with you as the enabling person that makes it possible for others to live a lifestyle that they are not earning with money, labor or courtesy. You are not required to pay for your daughter and SIL - if they can't pay for car they bought, I promise you that they are NOT saving for the house. They are waiting for the chunk of money that you and wife are going to give them. Once they move, even with the chunk of down payment, they have to pay for food, shelter, taxes, gasoline, etc. Of course your daughter is siding with her grandpa - the other end of the "sucking the life out of you like a ripe peach" sandwich. To paraphrase an actor from Friends - I wish I could do that, but I don't want to. Maybe you need to figure out why it is that part of you wants to. It took me years, but I finally did and my family relationships and bank account improved.
As for the car, start charging them $50 a week for it for 100 weeks. You are not running a popularity contest, you are taking charge.
Do you rely on any of your unwelcome guests to watch your dad? That might be a consideration.
Other that that follow any of the helpful advice you have been given.
I did day it was for 2 months but that was 3 months ago. Now it is looking like it will be spring before they get any movement. They seem happy with living in her bedroom...
I've offered to help but I have to stay out of things.... Feeling like a prisoner in my own house.
No chance to down size, we have done a lot to our home and cant afford at this point to down size. Its the house we both wanted... except for the extra guests.
Print out brochures for the 55+ places, doesn't need to be places in your current location, print brochures from Pa and Nevada, too. When daughter and sister-in-law see these print-outs maybe it will get them thinking of moving out on their own. Then that way you and the wife can have Dad all to your self, which sounds more durable.
Start downsizing the contents of your home, too, for real. You will have to do that anyway, might as well start now. Nothing says "serious" than hauling things to Goodwill, even though you don't really plan to move :)