Has anyone experienced being in the sandwich generation?

Not that I would ever defend social media for any reason whatsoever, but it's not the downfall of society. Cyber barons recognized a need and a chance to exploit that need in people who want to share their personal lives on line, and apparently either (a) ignore the TOS as well as the broad powers to commoditize information and (b) don't seem to care that the personal information they post can be used for nefarious purposes.

TG, I don't know why you would post information about political preferences and who you voted for. Nor do I care; it's your choice and you have to live with whatever choices you made.

But you voluntarily opened yourself up by sharing information that is of no one's concern except yours.

I honestly don't understand why this is such a concern. If your relatives are so shallow as to harass you b/c of your political stance, and that's an apparent sole reason for their latest positions, just ignore them.


Someone I met on an excellent forum and with whom I exchanged a few e-mails b/c she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer presumed to share her political opinions and forwarded one of those ridiculous and miserable "Fwd, Fwd, Fwd" rants that goes through multiple e-mail accounts of multiple unknown persons.

It was an anti-Obama, racist, hostile and threatening to Obama message which I found extremely offensive, but which is of the character of many of the organizations which have been anti-Obama and racist since before he was elected.

I called the FBI and Secret Service, reported the message and sent it to them for action. The woman who sent it never contacted me again.

When 3 different relatives sent similar trash, I wrote back and stated in no uncertain terms that if they ever (a) presumed again to determine what they thought I believed in (b) sent any more trash mail, I would report them to the FBI and Secret Service as well.

They never contacted me again and that's fine with me. One was a relative who rarely contacted me, a second had never contacted me before, and the third was emotionally unstable. I didn't need them in my life.

TG, stand up for yourself and don't let your relatives intimidate. Be forceful and tell them they're being immature, childish, and if they don't like your opinions they don't need to read what you post.

Trying to be nice and ignore the minor things that bug me. We went out for a drink with my wife last night and I purposely did not bring any issues up so it made for a nice evening out. I will be looking for more of that. It is going to take me to change this situation. I am the one who needs to change, after all I brought this on myself. I could have said no but I did not. So chance I am trying little by little.
Last night I got an email from my aunt, she was very upset by what she saw on social media on my account. Now while the majority of my family has a different view point on politics she assumes I have a view point which affects her adult child and their lifestyle, I am done with social media. Apparently now that I have quite a few family members who will not speak to me just because of the way I voted speaks volumes to how they view the world. Educated professional individuals choose the side of a political candidate over the relationship of a family member who did not make loud proclamations nor even post about their candidate other than like a few things. I didn't even put a yard sign or sticker on my car. I kept my political view close to my vest. I guess I should have kept it under my hat. It is amazing how a few members of my family can be disturbed with what they see on an entertainment site and not call and talk to that person and ruin a fraternal relationship. It is sad to say my family has slipped away and I am sad but not unhappy. I need happy in my life not stress due to ones political viewpoint or lifestyle. Live your life, let me live mine.
I have siblings, cousins and now people who helped raise me not talking to me just because of the way I voted.... seriously? Show me where I posted something so vile and corrupt. I searched 6 months back, all you see is dogs, food and what ever I am doing at the time, nothing that violates an ethical view point except for one innocent question I posed about a candidate that one person went on a rant about and I explained it was a question not a comment and that rant took on a life of its own. One drunken post by another family member took on a rant that vilified me without my participation so guilty by association.
Yup social media, the downfall of society.........

Sometimes I view situations like this as being close to a whirlpool. You're in a boat or ship traveling down a river (or other body of water), and begin to approach a powerful whirlpool. Although you plan methods of skirting around it, your boat through the force of the whirlpool is drawn closer and closer to it until it's caught up in the spiral.

And around and around you go. You can't get out, you can't keep up, and you're caught in the vortex. How to you get out? That is the question, and analogous to the one that challenges you.

Mom passed 3 years ago and it was up to us to care for dad. They did not save for retirement nor had assets to sell. So out of the 3, I drew short straw. With the other 2 it would not have worked and he doesn't have the resources to live on his own.
Thus is what I have to deal with. It is just that I work hard multi jobs to get income to give my family a healthy lifestyle. Hopefully the kids will find a place soon and I can get back to whatever is normal for me.
As I was in corporate life before and traveled a lot I enjoy being at home for work and able to do the things I want vs a 9 to 5 gig. So with it comes a territory I didn't plan for. Just trying to readjust to different circumstances. I just would like to return to what me original plan was vs what I have now. Trying to figure balance....

TG, in the rare occasions when my husband and I have a hour or two out together, we find it very difficult not to discuss the "home front", and all its problems too! That's one area you and I both need to work on, as our time alone together is precious, to say the least!

Many times, we get in the car, and within a block or two, I feel stuck in a capsule, and clostraphobic! TAKE ME HOM, as at least there, I can find a solitary room to hide in!

While I understand you enjoying the time with your daughter, don't you think that they will still be close enough to visit often, once they move out? Then, your time out with her will be very special! I am having dinner out alone with my daughter this evening, and our time together is fun and free from the stressors of everyday life!

Eventually, once they do have a place of their own, you will find that your relationship will grow to a whole other level, as she will be 100% all grown up, and no longer reliant on her Daddy, but her husband, and their nuclear unit, and then, you will still be needed for guidance!

She will always need you, just in a different way! Let these kids grow up a little! They need to be working on their own marriage, and figuring it out on their onw terms! Continuing to "save her", and your constant interference, is going to cause your SIL to soon resent you, as you are taking a much vital role, which should be his! It's time!

tg, it appears that Dad isn't changing his behavior, nor are your daughter and SIL....only you are making changes and significant ones at that. You built a house to include a home office, which is now Dad's domain. Your office moved to the garage but is not working there because the kids keep leaving the garage door open. Your garage is temporarily the main access to house because you're building a sunroom as a refuge for your wife because the rest of your home is being overrun by inconsiderate family members. And now you are looking at the added expense and hassle of renting an outside office because you can't get work done because some of your household doesn't respect your business space or your time in the workday. So at the end of it all, you'll be at work, your wife will be in the sunroom and the rest of the family will have the house you love.

As a parent, it is not my job to prepare the path for my child but rather to prepare my child for the path.

Tgengine, when did your mother die? Reading your most recent post, I'm beginning to think that what you might have felt after her death, in terms of providing her support and caregiving, might be influencing your generous offer to your father, daughter and SIL.

Why do you keep feeling you must apologize for asserting yourself? Why do you feel it is a character flaw to be upset when someone treats you badly? Jesus may have said to turn the other cheek, but he also went ape sh*t and cleared the greedy and self serving from the temple.

It is a double edge sword I live by. While it was my idea to have them move in and I really enjoy my daughter the better outweighs the worse. I am trying to be less angry, it took 2 years to get over the guilt of the loss of mom and moving dad and getting rid of 90% of their belongings. I am sure in time this will subside. In the meantime I am trying to be less a PIA. It has come to when my wife and I are out all we talk about is the situation at home and we end up in disagreement like last night.
I hate to spend the money on an office when I bought this house for that specific purpose. Now everyone one else is enjoying the fruits of our labor.
I am in conversation with them about what they are doing to get a place. He needs to iron out some financial issues which he claims he is working on. I think he is trying. Time will tell.

Going to start looking for an office today as much as it pains me.

TG, The old, See One, Do One, Teach One, medical approach to learning, might be beneficial in teaching your SIL to learn simple household tasks, as he clearly needs guidance on the things he unfortunately was never taught as a child. Then once he's been clearly shown how to "take out the black garbage can, return it to its proper spot, and not to forget to put the lid back on tight", just as you like to have them done, and you will be able to correct him Only once or twice, when he does do it Wrong.

It's got to be frustrating, having someone so lazy and defient, living in your home, as to me, he's Got to be yanking your chain, just a little bit, to get a rise out of you. Does he have a learning disability, ADHD perhaps?

I just don't see how these two are ever going to be self sufficient home owners, and they might be better off as apartment dwellers for a while, while they grow up, and learn to live on their own money, with only simple bills to manage, and their dog, of course! I hope you don't intend keep their dog for them, once they do move out!

From the many frustrating examples you have mentioned regarding SIL's behavioral issues, its no wonder you are so stressed out all the time! I would hate to see you invest the down payment on a house for them, and to see them fail, and you to have to step in to save them time and time again, so I may suggest that you hold off doing that, until they prove to be self supportive.

I personally, wouldn't allow him to smoke near the premises! He should use this time to take his dog out for a walk, away from the house, so as not to trail in the smell of cigarette smoke into your home, and made to wash his hands after every smoke break too! Who wants to be exposed to icky cigarette smells, plus the smell does linger on his clothes and hair, yuck! Simple common courtesy!

You are doing them No favors, allowing them to stay in your home like you are, and at some point, you are going to have to put your foot down, and give them notice. They will work much harder, and appreciate things more if they have to work things out, and do these things themselves!

I know that I have been So impressed, seeing my own 4 kids, becoming self sufficient, and setting up beautiful homes, in their own style, and have house pride, for having worked at it!

They have all come a long way, frome their first apartments, where I helped them with odds and ends, my old pots and pans, and second hand furnishings, and now, Wow, all of them have homes much more posh and much more beautifully decorated than my own! Plus, They all individually make more money than my husband I and ever used to! When they do have to work for things, its amazing how much they will push themselves to persue THEIR DREAMS, Working overtime and on weekends!

My daughter was just offered and excepted a fantastic position with Microsoft, here in the Seattle area to start January 3rd, even negotiating so far as to be eligible for the hefty yearly bonus she earned from her current employer, and Holey Moley, I am so proud of her!

This kid has come a long way in life, having battled some issues with substance abuse in her early twenties, but now 34, 11 years sober, married, house proud, great job, fantastic salary and living the dream! Hoping for a grandchild next, and working on it!

So There is hope, even for those that struggle during those early years! But you've got to set boundries, and have them figure out these hard life lessons, on their own, and Yes, it was really difficult for me not to push my will on her, and try to run her life for her during that time (almost 2 years!), my Dd got into a deep depression when she lost 3 Grandparents in a 14 months period of time, especially my Mom, whom she was extremely close to. She turned to abusing anxiety and narcotics to "manage" her life, but she worked so hard to turn her life around, and she had to prove to Herself, her own Worth. It's been amazing, seeing her achieve such incredible success!

Its not easy for me, to spill my guts, and admit to family troubles and especially addiction, but as parents, we've got to learn to step back, create boundries, and let our kids come into their own, sometimes at great personal pain, to watch them grow, even struggling, and then Hopefully, succeeding! And we are very close and proud of all of our kids!

This was our outgoing child, the one we always thought would have the easiest time in life, with the most potential, and while it didn't happen exactly as we expected, and without some real personal anguish, it has happened, and we are super proud of her!

I hope sharing some of my personal experiences, helps you to think about ways that you can implement changes in your own house TG, as Experiencing hard work and Challenges are the Only way our kids learn to live their lives, independent of our own.

All this while caring for our parents, Sandwich Generation, for Sure!

Why are people suggesting he flee his own home to find peace? Kick the bums out to find peace.

Veronica's insights are "spot on." Tgengine, you specifically addressed the increasing isolation from work related associates. That can be really dangerous to your own ability to work and earn a living. If your work suffers, that's another level of increased stress.

There comes a time when "one for all" needs to become "one for just me (and my wife)." I think you're already on that "slippery slope."

I had the impression that your family guests just aren't attuned to survival in a work environment and don't respect your privacy or need for quiet time to work.

Veronica's idea of an office away from home is excellent. I don't recall what you do, but perhaps you could even spend a few hours working at FedEx/Kinko's or Starbucks. At least there wouldn't be dogs there.

Let them worry about the privacy. if they don't like it they can do something about it.
You need the peace to get your work done and the constant comings ad goings are very stressful.
I also think the current situation is not just grating on your nerves it is leading to depression. no one can live on a high state of alert the way you are doing for ever so at least talk to your Dr. Can you work away from the house? rent a little office somewhere or maybe the lady across the road you help out could let you use one of her spare rooms as long as you think she would leave you alone during "office hours" i don't know what your job is so she may not have the necessary Internet service but it never hurts to ask. Maybe other close friends who work all day would allow you to use there house.

" I know I have nothing to complain about in the grand scheme of things but it grates on me." NO, NO, NO. That is not true! You have plenty about which to complain, and they're all family members. Don't allow yourself to fall back on excusing them.

Remind yourself that you're trying to change your own perspective and response to their inconsiderate and irresponsible behavior. That isn't going to change overnight. Neither are those ingrained (?) behaviors of your family members, and as long as they can get away with it, they're not going to change.

Holiday times can be joyful and reinforcing, but they can also be sad, stressful and challenging. Give yourself a break from self criticism and try to think of additional or alternate ways you can continue on the personal reorganizations after the stress of the holiday is worn off.

And, BTW, this isn't weather appropriate, but if they're still hanging around in the spring, consider getting an outdoor kennel built to at least keep the dogs away and outside of the house for a while.

Seems to me they already have "3 hots and a cot"!
And I never said anything about making it comfortable for them down there, I was focused on greater comfort for YOU. They sell room divider screens, or you could put up a curtain. A little hardship for them would be a great incentive to find their own place sooner rather than later.

I have thought of giving them the basement for their area, It would involve building a wall so they have privacy. Not a fan of that, plus I am not making them too comfortable so they will move out. If I make it nicer what is the point of moving out? 3 hots and a cot? Why move out?
I am just in a weird place right now. Generally it hits before the holidays, especially with mom gone. Don't get me wrong I love the holidays and try to make it nice and do all the traditions on both sides, once it gets here I am good it is just the getting there part that is tough. Now with everyone here it is good and bad. I am glad I have my babies home for Christmas! Yea! It just gets overwhelming. Not planning dinner tonight. Will see what happens, Just may go out tonight since the weekends are crazy busy with restaurants.
Time to buck-up buttercup as I should.

Your description of your SIL's smoke breaks by your office gave me an idea Tgengine, perhaps daughter and SIL could trade places with you and move their room down to your office, it would certainly cut down on them leaving doors open, and if they are away at work the constant comings and goings would bother no one. Think about it.
As for the pickle jars etc taking over the fridge, some things absolutely need to be refrigerated and some less so, if you can't find space in your own fridge don't feel guilty about booting out things that don't have to be in there.

Trying to be a better person not trying to get upset so easily, not working so well. Went shopping yesterday, come home no room in the spare fridge with everyone Else's things in there. Must be 10 jars of pickles in the fridges. Food just dropped on the counter. I get frustrated so easily. I am trying hard, not having a drink in the evening. Having my office at home, dad and SIL here all week all day (SIL works weekends) makes me feel less productive. I don't feel as though I am a professional anymore. I don't interact with colleagues on a regular basis and I feel I am slipping away from making my business better. All I do is manage dogs during the day, I have an addition on the house going on right now so there is more household interaction all day.
Trying to be on the road more to get away from it all. Went to the cigar shop this week and last to chill for an hour and they have dogs and do nothing but scream at them and have them race all over the shop. I have that at home. Time for a new place. Not sure I need someone to talk to, Trying to find a mentor in my business to help me get back on track. The garage door is the new entry door while the addition is being put on. 3 dogs let out numerous times a day, SIL every 15 minutes needs a smoke. Everyone needs to go somewhere many times a day. The entry door is right where my office is (garage under with a half finished basement now my office). So below grade, cold air and noise, dogs barking or racing through the office. I know I have nothing to complain about in the grand scheme of things but it grates on me. Dad is making a chicken dinner for a pot luck at church..... hmm can bake cookies, cook a dinner but never does anything for the people who give him shelter ans support..... He is quick to say "no one ever lets me do anything".... how about "I am not going to ask you have to offer",other wise I will have to be beholding to him, be gracious and tell him what a wonderful cook he is while I get non of that in return because in his own words "I never tell anyone thank you"....
It is not bitterness, it is being so dam tired of helping people. I help my neighbor across the street with some house and yard work but at least she pays me a little when I do work and she appreciates the help. It is the offer that is appreciated.
I do know that my daughter appreciates our help and dad does as well. I think I bit off more than I can Chew all at once. Time to get back to work that pays the bills and make my weekly check in on my BIL in the home. He is the least of my worries these days.
Yes I am reading the book boundaries, not sure if it is helping, feels good but have yet put it into action.

Tgengine, wonderful news! It's so good to read this upbeat post from you.

Your observations that some people don't think thoroughly think through instructions is insightful. SIL doesn't seem to accept responsibility, so perhaps this line of cradle to grave thinking isn't something he knows how to do.

I've seen that as well but didn't conceptualize it in the manner that you did. That's a help to me, as when someone falls through on an obligation, I'll rethink how to handle it. Some people do need more instructions than others.

Bringing your daughter into your work life will help the two of you bond.

And cutting a tree for the holidays - what could be more appropriate for father and daughter activities at this time of the year! Maybe some quiet time family gathering, with hot chocolate or cider, fresh cookies, and just relaxing might help everyone as well.

I'm so encouraged by these changes, and hope that the holidays bring more peace and compatibility to you and your wife from the extended family.

Starting to set the boundaries, need to work on the communication part. It is difficult. I have been finding that I have to be very specific in details when I ask for something. Not everyone thinks the way I do. While I say "take the trash out", I have to say "take the trash to the black trash can, put it in and close the lid tightly". It is the same way when I ask a store clerk where something is I have to ask "if you were going to look for it where would you look?"
Things will get better, I have to resign myself this is a long term project. The good thing is my daughter has started to work for me part time, helps me and helps her. I offered her to learn my business if she wants to, slow start but positive.
Dads been a walk in the park lately. He offered to pay back the money I gave him this month, had to tell him to keep it as he is low until his check came in.
Not caring about dinners unless my wife and I want to eat, its everyone fend for yourself.
I need the quiet in my house back. I have been busy with work so that helps.
Going to cut a tree Saturday, will take our daughter with us as the SIL will be working. Need to have some family fun!

Why should he do anything when he has you to take care of it for him. STOP enabling him. Of course, maybe secretly you enjoy rescuing him. I think you need to see a therapist or see yours more often if you don't have one.

TG I am glad you are trying. Good for you. As Linda says - boundaries do not work unless there are solid consequences. Sounds like you are making some progress with supper.

Why do you have to coordinate getting the truck fixed? If he doesn't want to go to the trouble, let it stay there. it is not your problem. It is his problem. But you keep fixing his problems and he knows if he leaves them long enough you will do it. Surprise him and leave it for him to deal with. And do not let them use any of your vehicles no matter the sob stories. They are manipulating you.

consequences to actions.

if you do not arrange for the truck repairs, it will stay at the garage until you do as I am not doing that or paying for it

if you leave the garage door open, you will not able to use the garage.

if you don't pay rent starting Jan 1, 2017 I will start the eviction process.

Make sure you stick to the consequences and don't set consequences you are not prepared to enforce.

Your dad is another set of aggravations. You have decided that due to family obligations he must be looked after by you. Then you need to address the issues that really bug you or your resentment will build and build, which I believe is what is happening.

Here's a suggestion. Write down the things that your dad does that bug you and figure out which ones can be addressed. Then start making some changes, one by one. e.g. take your paper first, or, as someone suggested go for an online paper and cancel the other one. You expressed a concern before about your dad helping the contractors with the new addition. Think carefully about it and if it is worth the aggravation. Also talk to the contractors. They may not be willing or able to allow him to help for e.g. insurance issues, workman's comp. Give him instead a small job outside like building a bird house that really doesn't matter.

What I am suggesting basically, is that you become proactive rather than reactive, You might want to look up proactive and reactive coping strategies. I read one from a site called "active pause" that talks about two swimmers in the same waves and how they cope -

Quote " let’s assume, for the moment, that our two swimmers have both the same levels of information and intelligence. Then, the difference between them would simply be that the proactive swimmer has enough energy to take in the available information and adapt to it. In contrast, the reactive swimmer is exhausted and overwhelmed (“Somebody get me out of here, please!”)."

Does it sound familiar? When you are reactive you are following someone else's agenda. When you are being proactive, you are setting your own agenda. Go for it!

An analogy for this - you have this overgrown rose bush, hasn't been pruned in a couple years. You start cutting it back, while also thinning the little stems and being sure to cut each stem at the correct angle and then sealing that stem so the cutter bees don't get into it. You're constantly battling the big stems with thorns and can't see into the plant well enough for all the overgrowth. But....if you take the big loppers and chop all the stems down to 1/3 the height, then you can take the little pruners and do the fine detail work easily. Sometimes you have to have a full out change because small actions don't work.

TG, the boundaries aren't working because you need to start some tough love. No, you don't have to coordinate the repairs (and pay for them). You let it sit and let them figure it out. When he puts clothing boxes in the entry, you tell him to move them to the bedroom, out of sight, now before he runs the errand. If the garage door is consistently being left open, then they don't get to park in the garage.

But this is all a bandaid because the larger issue is they need to be out on their own, being full fledged adults.

I am trying, last night I told the SIL he was in charge of dinner. apparently made it just fine. This week busy week for me at nights. But going to bed the garage door is open and all my heat going out the door. My office is in the basement so it get very cold very quick. No-one seems to mind leaving doors open, lights on etc..... SILs truck is in the shop, I have to coordinate getting it fixed as he has no motivation in getting it done..... Tried to talk to him to buy a new one, not sure why he cant even focus on getting a new vehicle. They make plenty of money, I am not sure why they cant, they have a cell phone bill and health insurance and car insurance, that is it, no rent, no electric, no cable or internet..... aragh! Makes having dad here a walk in the park.

I am trying to be calm but I come home after a class, the garage door is wide open,! They wonder why I am grumpy. I walk in to 2 huge boxes of clothes in the entry way, I get it they need to have winter clothes. Now he is out doing an errand, He said the boxes will be out today, why not do it now? I am just tired of my house looking like crap....... I cant entertain anymore it frustrates me. Trying to set boundaries, not working very well.

TG -some thoughts. Sounds like you had a lovely respite while your Dad was at camp. Now he's back you are reminded of the difficulties of living with him. Is there truly no option of some place nearby where he can live seperately? Maybe an apartment complex specifically for the elderly? I realise that just because he went "hunting" doesn't necessarily mean he is capable of unloading the car by himself. But if he is physically able to, he may still need prompting that it needs to be done, clothes washed and all that. Does NOT mean you have to do it, although lending a hand and having a chat about the trip while you do it might be nice. Some of the other things are the problems of living with a not ideal roommate and likely exacerbated by his age. Maybe you could get your newspaper online at least for awihile until he sorts out his own. If there is no choice but him to live with you then try hard to focus on the positives and treasure him while you still have him. And try also to remember that if you spend everything you have on daughter and SIL, you and wife may end up in the same position as your father. I'm sorry the truck broke down but it is their expense. I borrowed my sisters old car, prior to her selling it, for 6m while our family was back in the States on sabbatical. During that time it broke down. We repaired it without question. And I put in a lot of elbow grease at the end of having it to get it looking ready to sell. It was the least I could do after the favour of her supplying me with a car. Same goes for SIL and daughter. Hang in there. You're doing great. Just keep on setting boundaries and it will pay off in the end.

Just read this thread. Start setting boundaries....there are enough people here with good advice - heed it and you will get your life back. You have family who walk all over you.

For your SIL, I hope there is bus service in your community. How are they going to get a mortgage if they can't even pay for car repairs?? Talk to your therapist about why you need to fix everything for everybody. Why do you need to be the one doing all the giving?

TG, consider us your Cliff Notes until the book arrives. Unload the guns from the car, leave the rest for Dad to unload. If he's physically able to drive and hunt, he can unload the car. Your newspaper is your paper - he can either wait till you're done, or get his own paper. If the "kids" own the truck, the repairs are theirs. And please let go of feeling bad - you probably took good care of the truck. If they haven't paid you yet, then they can darn well pay the repairs as the cost of using the truck.
And about Dad helping with the finish work - there's a cost to this finish work regardless of who does the work. Either you pay the contractor in money, or you pay with your frustration etc. at your father doing this work. You need to quietly and realistically weigh the pros and cons, but since you're already dreading it, I'd say you already are. If you're doing this because you want him to have something to do, accept that you're signing on for the whole package.