Has anyone said things to Mother with dementia and made her feel terrible?

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I did this last week. I feel awful. I literally lost it with her because she was fixating on a to-go box. I started losing it in public and quickly got her out of the situation. I then lost it once back in the apartment. I treated her like a child. Said she was acting like a 3 year old. I feel absolutely horrible that I did this.

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jagislason57, It's not an ideal thing to do, BUT you are human not a robot. Next time try to get into a position where you can take a break before you stress out.
I swore at my BIL today I'd hurt my hand trying to open a door that was blocked and my wheelchair was behind it. He asked me for the umpteenth time if it was that important? I exploded and swore at him. I apologised a few minutes later and he had no idea what I was talking about. Strangely his forgetting made me feel even worse. It also turned out I'd fractured a bone in the back of my hand, but he didn't deserve this. But rather than beat myself up, I need to be more alert to my own needs so I can go on meeting his.
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jagislason57, now we can understand why there is such a large turnover of help in nursing homes. Imagine dealing with dozens of residents that are taxing our patience.

Over the years I have developed major panic attacks when driving, and I have told my Dad [94] over and over about that.... but yet he will call and ask to be driven somewhere... well, I will explode big time, and that is when Dad says he will start driving again, which gets me even more upset to a point where I can't talk straight through the tears :(
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My mom has a few verbal tics that get on my nerves. After checking her for what seems like the thousandth time only to hear yet again " I don't know what I want" I've been known to tell her to shut up unless she says something that makes sense. I know she can't help it, half the time she doesn't even know she is doing it. What can I say, I'm not perfect :(
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Forgive & keep going.
And keep in touch with yourself to know when to take a break so you don't crack down the middle. We have limits. We are not machines. We get fatigued mentally and physically, so when that starts to happen to you, it's not a sign of failure.
It's a sign you were born human and there's not a darn thing you can do about it.

When caregivers don't have any kind of retreat, the emotional detachment required for saint-like patience becomes less and less possible. We get sucked into the tempest of the moment. It's just going to happen. Sometimes I think Job himself wouldn't have remained holy under a dementia care giving situation.

There are some really great videos on Youtube by Teepa Snow, a dementia caregiving educator. Watch them. They helped me understand how to deal with what I was seeing and feeling. It gave me different ways of responding that are simply not obvious. We don't relate to one another this way in real life.

Every point of contact with our care recipient is a new chance. If something went haywire just now, in 5 minutes you'll have a new chance to try again. Hugs.
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It is so hard sometimes to remember it's the dementia not the person. I had some bad fights with my Dad before I understood how to accept and deal with his dementia. In hindsight I felt terrible. You'll both get over it. Just keep movin....
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jagis, I did something similar the other day with my mother. It was like I had split into two people -- one who was patient and calm and the other that was fussing at my mother. It was strange because I did not think I felt the way I was acting, so I felt nutty about it until I realized the fussing person was the real me. I was tired of all the complaining and strangeness and needed a break from it.

We don't have a lot of sympathy with the real people we are. Personally I wonder if it is healthy to bury the real us so we can be this caregiver person. I wonder especially if we do it for a long time. We can become this facade of who we really are, thinking that nothing is rattling us and everything is sliding off our shell... until it cracks and we get a glimpse of the real person inside.

So I think you were seeing a glimpse of the real you. I do wish that we could all find a way to be ourselves more while caregiving. Our needs and desires are very important. You should be as easy on yourself as you would be on her if she had fussed at you. We're only human and more than just caregivers.
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