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Mom is 90. She lives alone but my sister and I handle her meals, pills, bills, outings, doctor visits and any other family social activities. Mom does have panic episodes, especially at night and I receive many calls in the evening telling me she feels abandoned. My sister and I each hear different stories from her about how the other is making her feel unwelcome or unwanted, none of which is true. Sister and I feel like we are being manipulated. Mom cannot afford full time assistance and even if she could she would resist it. We have had someone try to help us, but my mom puts this person off and tells her not to come. Geez, what can we do. I am in the process of trying to get VA homebound benefits, but I understand that the waiting time is ridiculous. Should we be ignoring mom's cries for attention and just do the best we can?

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Failing any real issues, sounds to me like she might be just bored. How long has she been living on her own? And how long have you and your sister being chasing your tails on her behalf? Does one or the other of you see her at least once every day?

Any physical or mental health issues, as such? Falls risk, difficulties with Activities of Daily Living (washing, dressing, feeding herself etc.), memory problems or similar?
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Has mom been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes this sort of panic is related to cognitive decline.


You might want to have her seen by a neurologist/neuropsych team that specializes in dementia diagnosis.
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NO it is not safe. Get her to assisted living, unless you would rather she sets the house on fire with a stove she forgot about. How? Use her SS and rent out her house and get the VA Aid and Attendance or Widow Pension.
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I'd get her an emergency pendant to wear and consider installing some security cameras in her place so you can watch what's going on. Without those two things, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving a 90-year old alone at night.

My mom lives in an independent living facility in a very "safe town" in a suburb of Chicago. A 97 year old woman (on the first floor) was sexually assaulted a few months ago. They caught the monster, but that poor woman's life will never be the same. I wouldn't trust most 90-year olds to be on their own at night.

Sorry...your mom sounds like a handful and needs to be in some kind of facility, based on your profile. I know she's resisting...but she needs more oversight at night, in my opinion.
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