I’ve been taking care of my mom for years as her dementia has progressed and health has declined. At the end of 2022 she had some falls and got much worse so I moved her next to me and planned on taking care of her on my own. (I have 3 kids, but I thought I could do it if she was so close.). After several months she got worse and I realized I just couldn’t do it, that she wasn’t safe without someone with her 24/7 and she was all alone too much. I was quickly starting to lose my marbles too. Made the difficult choice to find her a memory care within walking distance of my house in a lovely group home with just 8 residents. I go see her every day. That’s the backstory. My question is, do those of you in similar circumstances find yourself just breaking down in tears in the evening, when your day has come to an end and you have time to think. I just think about her there without anyone she knows, she only has about 60 seconds retention at this point. I worry about her being scared and sad and it makes me so devastated. I know this was the right decision, but it’s still so depressing and sad. How do you cope? My thoughts are with all of you.
Please congratualre yourself.
You have done amazing things. Taking on the hands-on caregiving role, adjusting to the realities it takes a 'village'. Finding that 'village' for your Mom - a group home you feel comfortable with & close to your home so you can visit frequently. This is a really good outcome - many with loved ones placed far from them would agree.
So many are stuck at the refusing help stage.. declining their own health trying to be lone caregivers... Again, well done.
Yes it is understandable to be sad. Old age cannot be cured, nor dementia.
One thing I have seen is that when memory worsens, people live more in the present.
"Sometimes it is enough to be in a warm bed, free of pain, eating custard or icecream". This was told to me my a lady with Dementia, sent to an emergency Covid hospital.
Another said she was content to "watch her tree" out her window. She told us daily she loved us & felt loved ❤
Being alone, without others or noise from a radio/TV was not a problem. In fact many prefered it. They called it *peaceful*.
I would suggest finding out how your Mom is when you aren't there. She may be quite fine. It will put your mind & heart to rest.
However, if your Mom IS disturbed or anxious, then this can be addressed. Mine gets very anxious in a quiet room alone but content & settled in a day room where she can see other people. An easy fix. (I would not hesitate to consider medication if that was not enough though).
Hope some answers help you.
It's ok to feel sad.
You are not alone.
I was a caregiver for 25 years. I had homebound dementia clients who saw no one expect me and a night time caregiver. No visitors, no family, no friends, no anything. It was very sad. You did the right thing placing her. She's in an actual home with only eight residents. She's not in a hospital or a huge nursing home where the care is practically non-existent. She's in a nice place and you visit her often. If the people there are kind to her, that's what matters now.
You're doing right by your mother and I hope that can be a comfort to you. She's living the best possible life she can now. So give yourself some credit.
My mother is in hospice care now but she did reside in 2 different AL facilities in 2 states as we moved. I am her only child so I made sure to have her near me.
I would try to focus on the positive. When the end is near one can wish for those better days. All the time in AL were better days and I wish I had appreciated them more. Being bedridden in SN is depressing. I never see happy faces sadly there.
Folks who have dementia often suffer from dreadful anxiety, agitation and depression as a result of the changes in brain chemistry.
My mother's quality of life was greatly improved by the inclusion of geriatric psychiatrists as part of her care team. The judicious use of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants made my mom a calm and mostly happy patient instead of a fractious, emotionally labile one.
How has your mother adjusted ? Have you asked the staff if she’s sleeping at night or if she is upset ? If so the doctor should be made aware . There are meds to calm her down if needed . Do you have any pictures around of you and family in her room , and perhaps a photo album for her to look through ? Are there some other familiar personal items of your mother’s in her room from her home ?
The fact that she is in a small group home that is memory care , sounds like the right place for your mom since her memory retention is so short .
Take good care of yourself as well . Perhaps talking to a therapist would help you to deal with these sad feelings .
I wish you well .
You did what you thought best when you cared for her when she was close to you.
You did what you thought was best when you made the decision to find a place where she would be SAFE and cared for.
You can not do more than that.
Have you heard that she is "scared or sad"?
Maybe it is you that is scared and sad. Scared that you are losing mom, sad that you are losing mom. And depressed at the situation.
Very valid feelings. And you would not be a caring person if you did not have them.
She is safe
She is cared for
You love her and cherish the time you spend with her.
You are lucky to have a mom that you feel this way about...many on this forum do not. Thank her for that.
But not everything in life can be fixed.
Babies die.
People get run over by cars, get shot at celebrations.
Our elders suffer loss upon loss at the end of long lives.
And we suffer when bad things happen. How could we not. There is nothing for suffering but to make our way through it with the help of those who love us. To allow ourselves our feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and still cling on to what is beautiful in our memories and in our lives.
I am so sorry for your pain. Like "thoughts and prayers" it cannot change things for you, cannot help you. It can't help even to know that you aren't alone. Allow yourself this grief. Be certain that guilt doesn't try to creep into the cracks because you didn't cause this and you can't fix this. My heart goes out to you.
Sometimes there are no happy endings, but you have her near you, you can tell her you love her, and you can hug her and kiss her whenever you go.
I came to feel joy and peace once I was able to perform these little acts as often as I wanted. Hoping you will find the same.
We have never been through these situations before and it takes time to process all of our emotions.
It’s always sad to see those we love suffering. Your feelings are completely understandable. There isn’t any reason for you to doubt your feelings.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
❤️🙂
it's really hard and you're a sweet daughter.
only you know, in your heart of hearts, what's the right decision (memory care, stay at home, find a different memory care, etc.). and the decision is reversible: if new facts come up, you can change your mind! :) for example, from living at home to memory care, or from memory care back home. a lot of decisions in life are reversible. you know best, knowing the whole situation, what to do.
then, since you made the best possible decision, try to find your best way around this situation. ❤️🙂
like "i couldn't have done it any other way. it had to be this way."
keep in mind, it's you (no one else on the forum), who must live with whatever decision you make. listen to your gut.