Sadness. Any advice?

So sorry.
Dementia is so cruel . I know it was terrible watching my parent with it .

I can’t even imagine watching a spouse with it , it has to be much more difficult .

Perhaps the adult daycare can point you in the direction of a support group for the spouses ? Or you could seek out a support group on your own . What you are experiencing is grieving . We grieve for the loss of how our LO was . There is also sadness and anxiety for the continued deterioration that we know is coming .
Also take some time for self care while DH is at adult daycare .
Do something you like , a hobby etc.
Reach out to spend some time with a friend . Taking care of your own needs and having some moments of normalcy goes a long way in helping you to be his caregiver .

Your feelings are totally understandable.

I hope that you will adjust to this routine. I’m quite sure that your husband would want you to take care of yourself. This is a way for you to get some rest and time to do things that you need or enjoy.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey. It’s never easy.

Please don’t feel like you have to minimize what you are going through. Many people on here struggle, certainly. But, and I have said this before, most are not doing this for a spouse. And, that makes it a different animal. Caring for parents/siblings/friends doesn’t really compare to watching your life partner and best friend go through this.

My heart just breaks for anyone going through this with a spouse. It is an entirely different and more life-altering experience for which I can’t imagine there are words.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had advice, but I don’t know that anything other than time will really help.

I hope you can take some of the time you recover and do something that brings some joy and light to your week. Best wishes to you and your DH.

As part of my job I do some regular educational programs at an adult day care and I think it's really, really cool and awesome. The staff is caring, the place is nice, and the participants are always eager to talk to me. One of my favorite pieces of feedback is to hear from the families that their loved one talked about my presentation at home! So ask him questions about what's going on, and if there are things he likes to do see if you can help find a way to incorporate those into the experience. You'd be surprised at how much cool stuff they can do (I work in emergency management and most of my job is in training and outreach, so I do regular emergency preparedness talks — every other month — at our city's adult day care program. It's a blast, and one of my favorite things). Think of it as an opportunity to do more with his day, versus sitting in front of the TV.

Remember that when you pick him up that it is dementia talking. He may very well have had a good day but that is not what he will tell you.

I don't think I would even ask him about his day. No matter what he says there are going to be confusing things said that may be more confusing for him.

It is like sending your child off to school for the first time. But just like school you give them a kiss, a hug and walk away. You allow the teacher/aide to take over. My Moms Adult Care offered busing as part of the cost. The first day they picked up Mom she told me I needed to take her. I said "No, the bus will take you". The AC picked her up at 8am and dropped her off about 3pm. She had breakfast and lunch there. This gave me time to get a shower and then DH and I would run errands, go to breakfast, just have some time together. Ended up Mom enjoyed AC and even had a crush on the bus driver. He was really good with her.

The first day of AC we took Mom. I kissed and hugged her and then handed her over to the aide and started walking out realizing my DH was not with me. He was standing there making sure Mom got settled. Yes, he had a hard time letting go with our girls too.

Hugs.

Although my recent loss was not a spouse, I understand something about your sorrow, and am thankful that you shared.

I have trouble looking at my LO’s personal items, and remembering who she was then, in contrast to who she was before I lost her.

I’m hoping you will find some sweet memorable experience, however small or slight, every single day that you and he have together.

Thanks for sharing from your heart, and your post will help so many others.

Kathleen, so often people talk about the heartbreak of the indignities they witness and participate in with the care of loved ones with dementia. Others, well-meaning I am certain, will say--in the case of say a daughter caring for a mom--"well SHE took care of YOU when you were a baby". Or in the case of a spouse "Well, HE would have done anything for YOU".

What does all that matter? When we care for our little ones it is a time full of hope and promise. We see them toddling about in their diapers all busy innocence and trust, knowing they are going to grow and grow and grow and that we make such a difference in that growth, and bear witness to the bud coming into bloom.
It isn't the same to take care of a mom and bear witness to her loss of everything from hearing to site to balance to continence, knowing there is no upside coming.
In sickness and health? It is lovely. But as a spouse we witness the slow loss of the person we knew and loved while seeing the body we recognize as tho it were our own.

We accept it because there is no choice. We move on. But the pain is acute. And sometimes we are flummoxed by it out of the blue. The overwhelming weight.

You post shows that people who are suffering all of this grief are not alone. It assures them their feelings are normal. That these things are not within their control. That their feelings are recognized and shared by others. So, thanks.

You have every right to feel sad.

Every step with Dementia is one grief after another. So very difficult.

People who have never had close contact with a Loved One who has dementia have NO idea what being the caregiver feels like. I know I didn’t, before it became my turn.

May God give you peace today about the smart decision that you made.

You have every right to be sad, as dementia SUCKS and steals our loved ones away from us.
I'm glad though that you decided to try the adult daycare as everyone I know that takes their loved ones there love it! And even if your husband says later that he didn't like it today, don't give up, as some need more time to get used to it.
I know the one in the city where I live have all kinds of fun things going on throughout the day to keep the participants busy and plus it's a nice break for you.
Also remember that your husband may say he didn't have a good time when in reality he had a great time, so not only ask your husband but ask the people there as well what kind of a day he had. And don't be surprised if their answers are different.
To most people an adult daycare center is a Godsend for them and their loved one and I hope and pray that that is the case for you as well.
God bless you and your husband as you travel this very difficult road together.

Change is hard. Hopefully, your husband will find the center helpful and you will find having a bit of time to yourself refreshing.
Best wishes to you!