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My husband and I have been caregivers for his mom for 6 months now. He is the oldest of 8 children, yet for various reasons it fell on us to accept her care. We took care of my mom in our 40’s. Becoming caregivers again in our 70’s (something we never expected) is so different physically and emotionally. I’m not angry or resentful that it fell on us. She has really improved under our care and seems happy with us. I just find myself terribly sad. We have plans and dreams for our retirement years that have had to be put on hold. I see my husband aging and slowing down and I know that however long our journey with her lasts, those dreams may never be realized. Acceptance is harder than the caregiving.

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I see that you have no question for us.
I understand your choice, though it would not be my own.
You are an adult. A choice to do one thing means you won't do the other.
There are ALWAYS loses in choices. You have made yours the best way you can given who you and hubby are and what you think.

Sadness is normal in life. Whoever thinks that "happiness is the goal" is going to find it difficult not only to attain, but to MAINtain.
I wish you the best.
As I said, I would never have considered doing this. As an RN I realized I was not cut out for 24/7 caregiving; I honestly have no idea how people do it. But I DO wish you the very best.
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NO mother in their right mind would EVER want their children giving up their lives to care for them as they get older. To me that is just down right selfish as your MIL has had her life and you and your husband deserve to have yours.
So have your husband tell the other 7 siblings that your turn of caring for her will be up at the end of the month and that they will have to come up with a plan B.
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You do not have to do this, she can be placed in a facility or work out a system when she spends time with the other siblings, you can stand up and say NO.

My mother lived to 100, just died last month, she was in AL for almost 6 years, there is no way she would live with me or my brother, she got good care and was happy in AL.

Don't give up your last years for her, no reason to.
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I hear you. At the age of 70 I am becoming very aware that my husband (who will be 74) and my good years are dwindling away. I am trying to squeeze a lot in now.

We cared for his mother for several years, then his developmentally disabled sister took up my husbsand’s time, and then my parents and now just my 96 yo father who is in a nursing home but I see a lot of him still. There’s been a lot of caregiving over the past 12 years and I worked full time so we didn't travel much when we probably should have.

You should set aside some time for you and your husband to get away for a week. Maybe your family can pitch in to do that little favor for the people who are sacrificing A LOT. Otherwise respite care at an AL might be an option.

Good luck to you.
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KNance72 May 13, 2025
I Think what Happens Is Hothouseflower no One ever discussed the Caregiving role with us either - it Just fell on Our Plate . Then Its a domino effect : My Journey began 2014 - Both mother and brother were in Rehabs ( Nursing Homes ) Then my cousin a stroke 2015 - I had to deal with cleaning Out His apartment , Then May 2016 - I found My Mom quite Ill and she ended up In a rehab for 80 days and was a Invalid and had dementia and I had to Place her in a NH , she Passed 3 and a half Months Later . My brother fell down 2 weeks after I Placed her and the Lawyers stuck my brother in a NH for 6 weeks . I had to fight to get My brother closer to me for 3 weeks . he ended up having stage 4 cancer which No one told me and I took him home for 6 Months - he ended up in a NH for 3 and a half Months . My Dads walking got Funny ? I had a tenant Kill himself who I had to empty Out his apartment . Then after Covid dad got real Manic and whacky - Alzheimers and Vascular dementia . Then my sister Kidnapped 2 and a half years ago for Money , Taken from His Home form Boston to California . he still thinks he is in Boston . So basically the last 11 years has been caregiving . I wish More books were written for the Public because I had no idea .
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MIL must have Social Security. Place her in respite care, like an AL, and go away for a week. Find someone who will watch her one or two days a week so you can go out together. Using her money.
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Yes I havnt gone any where in 11 Years . No Dates , no travel Plans . Our Lives get Put On Hold . Caregiving ages you too . I use to feel 18 for the Longest time , then 32 - Now I feel 105 years Old . Physically takes a Toll Plus emotionally . A person becomes quite isolated on this journey . I am still responsible for a Lot of things and I cant Make any Plans right Now . So I try and do some gardening its a good distraction and fun to Plant and learn new things . It Never gets Old . Or try baking sour dough bread . Try new things You have never done before . Maybe start a Journal On your dreams and Goals for your Life . Visualize that Happening . I feel Like I am in a very surreal Place and My Older Friends said to me " Just enjoy Life . " Great advice because none Of us can Predict the future / Life throws a lot of curve Balls .
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Hothouseflower May 13, 2025
Yes, I feel that my personality changed dramatically when I began this slog over five years ago. I used to have joy in my life and contentment. All I feel these days is anxious and old. I also am very jealous of people my age who don’t have caregiving on their plate because I wish it to be over already. I can’t stand the person I’ve become.
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