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94 y.o. NPD with dementia doing her thing again, doing her best to be miserable and act out as I am waiting one more week for a vacation. And this is not just any vacation.... my son is getting married out of country and I absolutely can't wait to go! Earlier in the year, I had contemplated bringing Mom with me... before she had a stroke and heart attack 4 months ago. Since then things have steadily gone downhill, vision, hearing, forgetfulness and nasty attitude greatly increased.


I have been doing my utmost to please her and do things to make her time in which I am away as easy for her as possible. Had tentatively planned on an agency providing someone 9-5 M-F, and my daughter and her boyfriend would be here nighttime and on the weekends.


But now for the last few days, she repeatedly said she wants to go to the hospital. And I repeatedly discussed how she is not ill and cannot be admitted to the hospital. So this morning I am working in my home office, door closed in the back of the house (she was still not up for the day) and all of a sudden a loud banging on my front door!!!! It was EMS... OMG. So we all walked to Mom's bedroom; she denies having pressed the pendant emergency button.... she may have forgotten but knowing her, I really do not think so; she just wouldn't acknowledge it. Anyway, I explained to EMS what I thought was going on, that she was looking for a way to go to the hospital because I was going away in a week. They were nice... Mom was doing her weepy, not well thing and that was that.


So I go back to work because she is ignoring me and I really cannot take another argument at the beginning of the day. Meanwhile, she goes to fix herself coffee and a croissant and sat on the patio. I managed to get her AM meds to her. And much later she came inside and went to her room. This evening she came into the living room where I am working and wanted help with writing a card; and I said we need to wait for a little bit as I was still working. So she sat in the chair turned away from me, back facing me, and has not talked to me all day.


So now I do NOT want to put all of this onto my daughter to watch at home, so am back to looking at assisted living for respite for 2-3 weeks. And when I come back, will really have to look at whether she needs to stay. She does not have Medicaid, so will have to look at $$ closely because I cannot keep on going like this.


Anything, other ideas, suggestions would greatly be welcomed. ( I may just stay permanently on vacation and not come back... I wish :(

Respite care would be the best. You don’t have any other alternative at this point.

I would contact her doctor, a social worker, someone familiar with her situation to look further into her condition.

Yes, it’s stressful but this may be her way of crying out for help.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Have you considered that subsequent to her stroke, she may have developed Vascular Dementia?

Dementia patients ts are notoriously bad at localizing pain and other symptoms.

I understand that you are at the end of your rope. But consider than your mom may be ill and can't explain what she is feeling.

I agree that she'd be better off in a respite facility.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Respite care - I can't think of anything else to say. Book her in to your local respite facility, ideally one where people can stay on, and go to the wedding knowing she will be looked after and be with other people.
Enough is enough. I know that is blunt but you cannot run your life 100% around someone who age and dementia have made totally narcissistic. You have to have a break and she needs to be looked after, respite is not so different from a hospital except she will be able to move around a bit more.
You are looking for something we cannot give you - permission, and lack of feeling guilty. So do what is best for you and for a change give your time to the younger generation.
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Reply to TaylorUK
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Myownlife Nov 17, 2019
Ahh thank you so much for your support!!! I AM going.... only 4 1/2 days to go.... absolutely cannot wait! Hired someone through an agency who is coming tomorrow... hopefully this will work. AND stopped the Aricept and amlodipine .... both causing really bad side effects....
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I dont live with Dad but I get this EVERY time I've got a holiday planned. He gets ill a few days before. Made up completely.

I called him from Florida this year. First thing he said "now don't worry but I've had to call the doctor out". I didnt worry for ONE SECOND because based on past experience this was just a cold. (I was right as I found out later!).

Oh and hospitals. Twice now hes had a cold and thought he should be in hospital. Several doctors thought not. Day later (both times) he "had a fall and banged his head". Both times hospital said it looked "strange". BUT he got his wish admitted to hospital.
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Reply to paulfoel123
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Go on your vacation at all costs, do not let this manipulative narc play you anymore. Put her in respite care and spare your daughter (who she may behave like a complete angel in front of just to contradict anything you have to say). Remember she is damaged and if dementia is setting it it's only going to get worse. There are people who are only "happy" when they take away the happiness of others. You deserve happiness on your own terms. She doesn't get to decide that. Also....you have permission not to engage with her.
Sound cruel? Ask yourself this, does she ever do or say anything kind to you that uplifts you? My guess is no. So why are you so worried about her feelings?
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Myownlife Nov 17, 2019
Thank you so much.... I AM going on Friday.... can't wait!
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I'm SO relieved! You have no idea how many folks here stop meds cold turkey with no regard to the danger the sudden stoppage itself can pose.

Have a great time and glad mom is back to being nice.

PS. When my mom switched from her "regular internist" to a geriatrics doc, he took her off all of her meds except for one bp med and set parameters for that. Mom's health improved dramatically!
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Myownlife Nov 18, 2019
Yes, when the new and first temp caregiver from the agency came today, we both loved her! Of course, Mom says no one needs to be here but.... we will just continue doing it. And I visited one of my patients today and she also talked about the geriatric doc her mom sees ( she and I are same age and so are our moms), she said the same thing about reducing number of medications. I think that will be the next thing we will be looking into when I come back.
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Oh boy, only 3 1/2 days till I leave !!!!
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It seems you are very well aware that mom is acting out because there is going to be a "change" in her usual care and routine. Dementia patents thrive on consistency.

1- Maybe you can get daughter and he boyfriend to start hanging out at your place in the evenings so she get more used to them being there. Before they take care of her without you.

2 - Maybe you can have home health come a few days before the vacation while you are there to get her used to them as well.

3 - She does not have good coping or decision-making abilities anymore. So, consider what would be appropriate for a younger person with the same difficulties and give her only appropriate options for choice.

4 - She is allowed to have her "moods" and "not be happy" about your vacation. However, try to channel her frustration into healthy outlets: talking about it, making meatloaf or bread or cut-out cookies (something OK to pound), physical exertion... If her moodiness is continual or causing more problems, consider talking to your doctor.
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Reply to Taarna
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Oy. You have a situation that's for sure. It's like a double whammy when our parents with less than ideal personalities develop the cognitive/dementia issues as well.
So obviously you are going to the wedding, end of story (I take it your daughter does not want to?)

Stick to your plan. It is possible that she might behave better with the others. It's good you can afford the coverage. Do make sure the valuables/breakables/checkbooks are out of the house locked up as a precaution and make sure whatever agency you use has a current criminal background check done on anyone that will be in your home.

Once you're back, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to consult with an elder law attorney to get things squared away for everyone's well-being...
Bon Voyage!

(and don't forget the disposable wipes for the airplane surfaces!)
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Reply to robinr
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Myownlife Nov 18, 2019
Ty ! Yes, unfortunately daughter cannot go as her boyfriend of 16 years (like a great son-in-law) has health issues... they do not want to be out of country in case he needs emergency surgery.
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You have a 94 y o toddler who is having a tantrum because her mommy [you = caregiver] is going away without her - if you cancelled she would be fine - she probably thinks if she is in hospital then you won't go thus her wanting to go to hospital -

What ever you do DO NOT CANCEL YOUR TRIP, because then she would realize that she has a top hand in everything thereafter - good for you to try & spare your daughter the stress - I hope you find some place for her both temporarily & permanently
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