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Last time I was out of town. I had a Personal Support Worker take her to a coffee shop so he could pick her up for the weekend. THEY WAITED 2 hours. We tried to call/text: nothing. He FINALLY shows up. THEN we stated to drop her off at the same place at 4pm. He never arrived. We waited 30 minutes. called / text NOTHING. My Brother is a jerk. 

We went back to the same place 2 times. We called the Police. They went with us to the coffee shop. he finally showed up at 7pm.

Police said since she has her own FREE WILL to go with him. nothing we can do. So now have to find an AGING LAWYER in Missouri to get full and legal custody.

Mom thinks she is going away to move in with my brother. but this will not happen. She has dementia. He doesn't have the money, resources or space. I do what I can. She sometimes gets very angry and violent against me; ME being the bad guy.

I take her 3-times a week to a Seniors Centre and she loves it. She hardly remembers any conversations with him. She loves it there. gets to do crafts and dance :)

SO my question; what legal advice or anyone with this scenario?

He texted me a threatening email the other day.
He was slated to come by next weekend. I asked him the day/time.
And again he states "I will get there when I get there"
SO I told him the visit is off.
He is not even coming to see HER. he has a concert to go to in my town.

I told him if he takes her HE is responsible for everything: IE: babysitting, watching her etc

He said ''Listen. YOU are the caregiver. I NOT coming to babysit her. just a visit"

He wants to come to MY HOUSE, but I will not let him in. he has a history of scams, taking money from family etc
He only wants to accommodate HIMSELF

I told him forget it then. And this week I go to a lawyer to get all the legal matter done.

He then wrote "Good luck with whats about to happen to you with her"

I am so emotionally drained. I try my best. I think I should charge him with threatening me.

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You didn't say that he tried to steal from mom. That is a horse of a completely different color. Hopefully, the attorney will be able to put in place what you need to manage her affairs. If she's had a medical diagnosis of "dementia," I think you'll need that to move forward with guardianship. I'm not sure how easy it is to get full guardianship of an adult. Others may have good info for you.

Since he's tried to steal from mom, I wouldn't even let her be alone with him, frankly. Who knows what nefarious things he could be up to. If she still has a checking account, for instance, he could drive her to the bank and clean it out.

Anyone who would steal from a parent is the lowest of the lowest. Had I understood that, my initial reply would have been much different.
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Well, what have we got her when all the water's boiled out of the pot? A brother you don't trust to sit in your living room when you're there with him to visit with mom. You being passive-aggressively managed by brother who gives you a giant Hawaiian Salute when you go well out of your way to meet him with mom and give him an opportunity to visit her. You apparently willing to ramp up the situation by pressing charges against him for supposedly threatening you. Which I don't believe, if it makes any difference.

How did mom see her son before she began living with you eight months ago? Did she have to get a ride to a coffee shop to meet him? Did he rob her blind when he visited her at her home?

This is about a power struggle with mom being the tug-of-war rope. How on EARTH did it get this bad? Why can't he pick up mom at your house when you're home? Then if he's hours late, it's no inconvenience. This reminds me of child custody nightmares with the wife making the husband's life miserable when he tries to see his kids.

Others here will undoubtedly sympathize. I just can't. If her son brings your mom some joy, I think you should try to facilitate their visits. I don't think you're doing that.
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Thanks Maggie.
Sorry I didn't articulate more on the situation. Hard times.
(This is the wife writing now)
My husband is the most generous and PATIENT man ever.

If she yells at him, he turns it around to positive.
Last night he took her out to a celebration in town. Fireworks and DANCING!
She danced all night. She forgot about everything. (in a good way ;)

Hubby has tried to make peace with brother. but brother turns it around.
His mother (as most write) will get mad at him and want to move out.
Every caregiver on here with a parent has gone through this I am sure.
The caregiver is the 'bad guy'

His mom comes and goes re: yelling to niceness
But he is still patient.
He see's a specialist soon. Hopefully that will help her.
Thanks for your input. I / WE really appreciate it :)
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So we have hubby posting then wife? It's hub's Mom? Just trying to get it straight. I'm a 60 yr old man, sole long distance caregivers for parents in mid 80s with all the oldster stuff going on. But Dads dementia is the hardest to deal with, the stubbornness, denial, can get him to allow any help etc.

My 2 sibs both died not long ago leaving me me with the whole enchilada. But I gotta be honest, from everthing I read on here about the sib battles I may be better off. Had my brother and sister not died I would be right in the soup with you guys. That sounds terrible, but it's quite true. Without getting into their long, sad stories I would be dealing with their train wreck lives as well as dealing with the folks.

So this is hubby's brother who is the jerk? In dealing with my sibs I always tried a diplomatic sit down to resolve issues. Usually didn't work. Maybe try again, no luck, then I finally just end stepped back from it all and let em sink or swim. They sank. You may be bEyond any diplomacy with this guy, I don't know. You haven't mentioned POA or any legal standing. Sounds like mom is still with it enough to rule out guardianship, but do some reading on this site. Tons of good stuff here. Stay in touch.
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Btw, I'm looking after Mom and Dad from 600 miles away.

Just re read your last post. Why do you even put up with brothers missed visits, 4 hours late etc? Either tell him to f...... off or he can visit, but you may or may not be there. Don't sit around waiting. Take Mom dancing!
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Hubby has Power of Attorney. He is getting full Ownership soon.
Brother: long story of abusing his brother. brother helping it out. brother MIA.
Brother just had interest in his mom. Why you ask? he wants access to her LITTLE money.

I told hubby to cut brother off from speaking to her or contacting hubby.
At first he was trying to let brother see/talk to mom., but after the last time he came NO WAY.
He wanted to come in September. He told us a weekend. each time we ask when/time etc he says he will call him once he gets there. He never gives any info at all.

I was livid. Last time he was to bring her back he was 4 hours late. so we called the Police. Police followed us to coffee shop. Brother was late again. We got Mom finally. Police says 'she has FREE WILL' and was not harmed. Said to get Lawyer for full custody.

Brother than was nice again. Then a month later (now) he is at it again.
He states my hubby needs to get his head checked re: our rules and picking her up ON TIME.

WOW. If that rule makes his brother livid, then I can only imagine what other small thing will set him off?

His brother cant be trusted.
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Kudos to you and your husband. A night of dancing with mom? Oh, yes, a saint waiting for his halo. ;) and you're right about siblings and stories on here.

Mom died last year. She was 88 years old. I spent lots of time with her,overseeing her life, in the last three years of her life. She lived with us during her last year. I often lamented to myself that my burden would have been lessened had I not been an only child. This site has made it quite clear to me that my being an only may have been my blessing.

I wish you and your husband all good things as you generously share your lives with his mom. I know it has its challenges. But we often earn angel wings that way.
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Wow Maggie. and you were alone in taking care of your Mom. God bless YOU!
I love this site. interesting reads. and to know we are all NOT alone :)
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Since you are seeing a lawyer, (make sure the lawyer is experienced in handling Guardianship cases. They know how to help you and how to deal with family dynamic issues) let them explain the best route. They will file proper legal proceedings and guide you along. Keep your text message as evidence, in case brother contests.

The brother sounds like trouble and all that energy devoted to protecting mom from him is a waste. Pull out old photos and talk to mom about the good old days. That would have to do. She is not able to understand the big picture. She must be protected.

Once guardianship is established by the courts, guardian can prevent the harassment by brother. Attorney may need to do cease and desist letter.
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UPDATE: All good!
We found a great place. and did you know that most places that are super expensive HAVE to list some beds as 'geared to income"? well we found one.

And got Lawyer. from now on Brother must listen to the facility and do as they say. He DID take her out and was almost 45 min late. Nurse said they were just about to call the Police.

He still doesn't let them know when he's coming. he drives a 4-5 hour drive and just shows up. Nurse said that he can't do that and driving all that time, they have to assess her first to see if her frame of mind is good for outings.

He also calls. she likes that. but Nurse said each time she speaks with him she gets upset. Nurse said he puts ideas in her head like "you will die there".....amazing huh?

So now hubby goes to visit 2 times a week. but he has to see Nurse first in secret to make sure her frame of mind is okay.

It is very sad as this was a woman who loved to go out and socialize. She feels limited there as most patients are not as out-going.
We did take her out to go dancing. she loved it :)

So to all out there thinking the end.. there is a rainbow. just takes time.
NO ONE should have to go through this terrible disease. it's just so sad.
Poor thing. retires and you want your end-years to be glorious and then dementia hits you like a hammer.

We can only have patience and love, as what she is now wasn't what she was before. She doesn't know what's happening and we can only be there for her. to listen and support. :)
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